Showing posts with label music. Show all posts
Showing posts with label music. Show all posts

Monday, February 28, 2011

If My Life were a Movie...


CAST:

Me:
Michael Cera (he's done it before) or Topher Grace but I think that Johnny Depp has the range.
Female Lead (the one I wind up with): Anne Hathaway (obviously) or Sarah Chalke (she plays the part to a T)
The One that Got Away: Eliza Dushku or Mila Kunis
Best Friend (Male): Jake Gyllenhaal or Jason Bateman
Best Friend (Female): Rachel Leigh Cook
My Mom: Marissa Tomei (seriously, she looks the same as she did in My Cousin Vinny)
My Sister: Michelle Trachtenberg

Director:
Kevin Smith but it'd be cool if we could get Christopher Nolan

Soundtrack: a little bit of: Jay-Z, Guns N' Roses, the Rolling Stones, Queen among others.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

The Ultimate Power Ballad?

Perhaps my contribution to the world of advertising, or the the written word in general, will be my style/technique for storytelling using bits of song lyrics (as previously seen here). Who knows if anyone else actually finds it interesting or amusing - the point is I do. I just did another one, this time with the goal of creating a Super Power Ballad.
Of course I had to up the production value now, so I gave it a title, an estimated track length and of course - album art. Enjoy. Or don't. I don't care, I had fun doing it.

Without further ado; assembled from some of the greatest power ballads of all time (using My Music Lists, What is that Song?, Best Power Ballads of All Time, and AOL Radio Blog as references) this latest Dr. Frankenstein creation is designed to tug heart strings and melt faces.


Title: Wanna Know Dream Love
Artist: Various
Time: approximately 6:32
--------------------------------------------

I guess this time you're really leaving
I heard your suitcase say goodbye
And as my broken heart lies bleeding
You say true love is suicide

So nobody ever told you baby
How it was gonna be
So what'll happen to you baby
Guess we'll have to wait and see

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true

I'd stare a lifetime into your eyes
So that I knew you were there for me
Time after time you were there for me

[Guitar Solo 1]

I know I could have saved a love that night
If I'd known what to say
Instead of makin' love
We both made our separate ways

I can't tell ya baby what went wrong
I can't make you feel what you felt so long ago
I'll let it show
I can't give you back what's been hurt
Heartaches come and go and all that's left are the words
I can't let go

I can't sing a love song
Like the way it's meant to be
I guess I'm not that good anymore
But that's just me

The wind of change
Blows straight into the face of time
Like a stormwind that will ring the freedom bell
For peace of mind

When I'm tired and thinking cold
I hide in my music, forget the day
And dream of a girl I used to know
I closed my eyes and she slipped away

Is this love that I'm feeling?
Is this love, that I've been searching for?
Is this love, or am I dreaming?

[Guitar Solo 2]

When I see you smile
I can face the world

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Right down the line it's been you and me
And loving a music man
Ain't always what it's supposed to be
Oh girl,
You stand by me

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No, nothing else matters

Monday, August 16, 2010

The All American Birthday

Now turning 28 isn't the sexiest of birthdays. In fact, it's probably one of the more humdrum or troublesome ones, as you realize your twenties are quickly fleeting and soon you'll be thirty, are still in school, have no job and in no position for marriage or any of that family stuff that your friends are starting to do.

Still with all of that working against me, I was determined to have a good one. Unfortunately, it was a Tuesday, so I still had to go to work. So I put on my new (bad ass) Rolling Stones t-shirt and headed towards the tube.

After I made my usual commute to the office my friends surprised me with breakfast - a handful of mini chocolate muffins and a pair of (delicious) donuts, all with candles. They sang and it was nice, and as previously mentioned, delicious.

Then it was back to work - the perfect remedy for a birthday when you're too old to just get drunk and pass out and too young to hate the thought of getting older and just want to sleep. So we got cracking on our assignments.

At lunch time I made a quick run to Subway for the sub of the day (Tuesday is meatball marinara - and there is no $5 footlong in England. Not even a £5 footlong) and paired it with my birthday present to myself - a can of Mountain Dew, bottled back in the good 'ol US of A with the familiar list of ingredients. Yay America!

After doing a few more hours of work, the group informed me that we had to get going. They had planned my birthday for me and swore to keep it a surprise. Of course after the mega surprise party that Jenn had thrown for me years ago, I've learned to be a little more aware of my surroundings and at least had an idea of what dinner would be like.

It was what I hoped - we went to a place called 'The Big Easy' which is an American themed crabshack and steakhouse. Fantastic. On Tuesdays they also have a great deal, called their deluxe lobster bake. It looks something like this:





That would be a whole Maine lobster, atlantic crab claw, tiger prawns and mussels served with small potatoes and a complimentary Becks. (Not pictured is the incredible belgian waffle ice cream sundae for dessert.) And to make it even more American - when we sat down we noticed an autographed picture of Stevie Wonder, who has eaten there and then they started playing "Kiss" by Prince. It was my own little slice of Americana.

After dinner and dessert I was informed that the party would continue. We hopped on a double decker (and got the front row on the top) and headed towards Picaddilly Circus. There, I was taken to 'Funland' or as I shall refer to it - British Dave and Busters, just without the restaurant. We headed upstairs to the bowling alley and got our bowling on with a few drinks. I was fairly embarrassing, threatening to not break 100 until, when in the 10th frame I finally hit my groove and rolled back to back strikes (the strike dance followed). In the end I had a 106, allowing me to save face.

From there most people headed back home leaving me and Deanna to explore the arcade and play some games. Basically the equivalent of mom and dad going home and leaving the kids alone in a candy store. After waving goodbye to our friends our eyes beemed as we went exploring. The plan was to look around for a while before playing anything, so that we wouldn't waste our time or money on not-worthwhile games.

Of course, within 2 minutes of making this plan we had already started pumping 1 pound coins into Time Crisis 4 to play co-op. It was a lot of fun, and D is a pretty good shot. We finally broke away from the machine and continued looking around. We found bumper cars, but without the rest of the group we took a rain check. More games were played - including the obligatory Sure Shot basketball, some skee-ball, and... a knock-off version of DDR which ended with exhaustion and laughs, mixed with some crushed spirits. Fortunately, digital dancing isn't real dancing just like Guitar Hero isn't playing the guitar.

In the end we cashed in our tickets for 3 bird shaped whistles (one each for D, myself and Julie).
It was the greatest international birthday I ever had, thanks to a great group of Americans.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Don't Stop Me Now

Before I came over to England I developed a theory. Well really it wasn't a theory just something I really hoped was true. What was it that I came up with?

"Don't stop me now" by Queen is to England what "Livin' on a prayer" by Bon Jovi is to NY/NJ.

I wanted this to be true so badly. Based on the classic scene in Shaun of the Dead, and that great wedding video that some couple in England had done featuring the song, I thought this crazy hope/theory of mine had a chance.

Now the first instance where I experienced the song, in England, with a large crowd around, was when I saw the musical, We Will Rock You. People were excited but it was hard to tell if it was purely based on the song because the whole musical is great (as is Queen's catalog). But that's not what I was looking for.

Then, this past Saturday night we were in a lounge/club/bar in Hoxton Square. At the beginning the place didn't seem like much, but then the girls decided to move the group into the room with the dance floor. The dj there was playing some great 80s/90s pop and hip hop and there was no way to resist dancing.

So after a few (classic) songs I was really pumped. And then it happened...I heard the first few notes.

I immediately froze and looked around. The dance floor was still packed and it was now time to test my theory. Would the Brits react as I had thought/hopped?

The answer came quickly and was rather anticlimactic. Everyone immediately started singing along, jumping around and dancing. And at the end of the song, everyone started swaying and singing the "la la laas".

It was great, not only to be validated but also (as I mentioned) because the song is great and since my answer came so quickly and obviously, I was able to join in on the fun.

That song is definitely going on the wedding playlist.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Turning 28


So for my birthday I created a new playlist. These are the songs I think best describe me:


Name Artist
Big Balls AC/DC
Gives You Hell The All-American Rejects
Be Yourself Audioslave
All You Need Is Love The Beatles
Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da The Beatles
Only the Good Die Young Billy Joel
Iron Man Black Sabbath
Don't Rain on my Parade Bobby Darin
Fortunate Son Creedance Clearwater Revival
I Believe in a Thing Called Love The Darkness
Let's Hear It For The Boy Deniece Williams
Ruff Riders' Anthem Dmx
The Way I Am Eminem
Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life Ensemble, Michael McGrath & Tim Curry
Everything To Everyone Everclear
I did it my way Frank Sinatra
Walking Contradiction Green Day
Live And Let Die Guns N' Roses
December 4th Jay-Z
Public Service Announcement (Interlude) Jay-Z
Hard Knock Life(Ghetto Anthem) Jay-Z
Voodoo Child (Slight Return) Jimi Hendrix
I Love Rock and Roll Joan Jett & the Blackhearts
With a Little Help From My Friends (Wonder Years Theme) Joe Cocker
Don't Stop Believin' Journey
God Gave Rock & Roll To You KISS
Good Times Bad Times Led Zeppelin
Mama Said Knock You Out LL Cool J
Smooth Criminal Michael Jackson
Po' Folks Nappy Roots
Hey Hey, My My Neil Young
King of New York Newsies
Juicy Notorious B.i.g.
Ghetto Superstar Pras, O.D.B and Mya
Pretty Girls Prozzak [Simon and Milo]
I Want It All Queen
Headlong Queen
Princes Of The Universe Queen
Dont Stop Me Now Queen
You Can't Always Get What You Want The Rolling Stones
Sympathy For The Devil The Rolling Stones
Get Off My Cloud The Rolling Stones
It's Tricky Run DMC
Revolution Stone Temple Pilots
I Won't Back Down Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Runnin' Down A Dream Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Dancing In The Moonlight Toploader
Runnin' With The Devil Van Halen
Dance the Night Away Van Halen
Keep Fishing Weezer
Baba O'Riley The Who
My Generation The Who
Behind Blue Eyes The Who
If I can't do it 50 Cent
God Gave Me Style 50 Cent
Hate It Or Love It (G-Unit Remix) 50 Cent

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

A little bit of home in London: Jersey Boys

After years of not being able to get tickets in New York (partially because I was only in the state for brief periods at a time and more with the incredible cost), I was able to score a pair to see the show here in London.

It was GREAT!

A couple of things struck me though about the London theater-going experience, especially since I expected them all to be snooty, uptight, Victorian types.
1) You don't get a Paybill or any sort of complimentary program when you enter. - Rather disappointing
2) You can take your drink from the bar with you to your seat. - Not the case in NY
3) Ushers don't hound you the minute you pull out a camera. My friend Julie was able to take 2 pics of us before the performance started without someone dashing over threatening to remove us or confiscate the camera. - Also, not the case in NY
4) After intermission there was no light dimming or universal announcement to return to your seats. We were back in time yet I still missed that "familiar" signal. - Obviously that's how it's done in New York.

Okay, so on to the show. I knew part of the story - the simple aspect that these guys had gotten into a few scrapes with the law before hitting it big. What I didn't know was all of the turmoil and other stuff that had gone down. It was entertaining and informative (E/I - just like those old "Saved by the Bell" episodes).

The humor was great, although I think most of it was lost on the London crowd who I guess just don't get what it's like to be an Italian from Jersey. Me, an Italian from New York, with roots in the old neighborhoods and countless family stories told over incredibly large holiday meals - I get it.

I don't want to give it away considering I'm probably not the only person back east who wanted to see it but couldn't afford a ticket, but it's a real roller coaster of emotions. What makes it more powerful, of course, are the songs. Especially when you get to "My Eyes Adored You".

Later in the show you're scratching your head wondering what is "this song" that Bobby is so sure is a hit and the record companies and radio stations won't play. Then when Frankie comes out and you hear the first few notes, you almost smack yourself in the head and wonder "what the F were these guys thinking? That's a great F-ing song." Well, if your from NY or NJ you say that. Everyone else can just wonder why it didn't originally get airplay.

It gets sad and happy again from that point on. But in the end, you have a great finale number and even if it took a few years and flying across the Atlantic, you know it was worth it.

Monday, May 24, 2010

I like food, but I'm not a foodie

Yes, that was a reference to modern music. After hearing it in a Nike commercial I pretty much have the Killers in my head non-stop. Fortunately, I liked them a bit before.

A "foodie" is a term that pretentious cocksuckers* who like to eat dub themselves so that people will take their opinions (on sites like Yelp) more seriously when they spout off about what they like and don't like about food, as if they have the world's most educated palette. Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of Yelp, being able to see what places to eat people generally like. But look at the comments section, at least in San Francisco, and the majority of people are talking out of their ass. To prove my point, look up just about any pizzeria in San Francisco (not including Tonys - that'll be covered later) and see what the reviewers say. Most of them are people who have never eaten a real slice of pizza in their lives (that means, having a slice in NY). They don't realize the importance of the sauce to cheese ratio, the importance of NY water or that avocado is not an acceptable topping.

So Yelp is as helpful as walking past a place a seeing a line out the door, a good number of people like this place. Whether it's because the food's cheap, the better place across the street just burned down, or because they just don't know any better you can't tell, but it's possibly worth a try.

So what am I doing and why am I doing it?

Well, my time here in San Francisco is getting shorter by the day and as I get ready to head back East I want to make sure I leave having done what I wanted to do. Part of that includes sights and activities and part of it includes having tried "the best" San Francisco has to offer of my favorite foods.

Here are the dishes I plan on searching for the "best" of:

- Hot Dogs
- Burgers
- Pizza (a dubious task but someone's got to be the tallest pygmy)
- Bagels/breakfast bagel sandwiches
- Fried Calamari

In addition to my "bests" quests, I'm trying a plethora of other things which I plan on reviewing, such as:

- Dim Sum
- An East Coast style Jewish Deli (Oye gutanoh <-probably spelled wrong)
- Ice Cream (note: as ice cream can seriously put a hurting on my body, this may not happen or I may die trying)
- Misc. (just other things that are around that look like they may not kill me)

Anyone who knows me pretty well will look at this list and nod that this is who I am. I'm not a foie gras or hummus kind of guy.

No promises as to how frequently I'll post updates. I'm shooting to take down 2-3 places a week and have already been to several places - so I'm my own backlog. Anyway, stick around, tune in, should be entertaining.

*That's something I picked up from the late George Carlin - the term "pretentious" should always be followed by "cocksucker". It's like the u after the q.


As a bonus, here's the Killer's video.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Just your typical NYC Night

Last night I headed down to the Lower East Side to take in a show - a burlesque show - at the Slipper Room for my friend Lauren's birthday.

Accompanying me on the trip, a.k.a. giving me a ride to the train station and back home, was my friend Jenn and her boyfriend Dave. After arriving at Grand Central, which still instills me with awe every time I pass through it, we headed out to the streets towards Bryant Park where we would pick up the F downtown. At the corner of 42nd and Avenue of the Americas I sent Jenn and Dave on their way as I stepped up for my favorite of NY delicacies - the dirty water dog. A $9 "Makes Bob Happy" Meal later (for those not from around here, that's 2 dogs and a pretzel) I headed across the street, met them at the entrance to the subway, polished off the 2 dogs so I could have a hand to hold my pretzel and we were on our way. Now I had offered to share a meal with my accomplices, but Jenn mentioned that Dave doesn't eat hot dogs and if he weren't the size of a small mountain I probably would have given him shit for it. But he is, so I didn't.

We took the subway down, Jenn briefly called my sister to give her directions to the Slipper Room and we made our way to the venue. We still had time to kill before meeting everyone else and the show starting, and with Jenn and Dave both hungry, we made our way to a local pub so they could eat and I could catch up on my rapidly imploding NCAA bracket. We visited the 6th Ward. I finished off the 20oz Mountain Dew I had picked up earlier while gleefully learning that Kansas had been upset by Northern Iowa. I was also shockingly surprised to hear the Buzzcocks "Ever Fall in Love (with someone you shouldn't)" played in the bar. Fantastic saw and such a great bit of pop-culture. It's the song playing during the montage of J.D. and Elliot's first time in a relationship together on Scrubs. Season 1, episode 15, "My Bed Banter and Beyond". What can I say, I love that episode and Sarah Chalke/Dr. Elliot Reid was a major crush. She's married now, well Sarah Chalke is, but I guess Dr. Reid can still be a crush. (Note: I'll have to explain my personal rules on crushing sometime so that this makes a bit more sense).

Anyway, to the Slipper Room!

$5 cover to get in, we knew this in advance, and it's fairly nice sized space. It get's a little cramped up by the stage but there are some comfortable booths lining the outside and then there's the bar on the opposite wall. Not a huge place, but still bigger than your average bar in San Francisco. Saw some people I hadn't in a long time and caught up with them, saw some of the gang I hadn't seen since coming into town, and well you know, the usual stuff you do and conversations you have when you're with friends. Of course wished the birthday girl a happy birthday and gave her the great news that a team decked out in purple had been the ones to take down the might Kansas Jayhawks. Night continued, drank, posed for pictures, told jokes, stories and the what not.

Time to leave, back on the subway and to Grand Central. Slight mix up (in my head) with what time the train leaves - it leaves at 1:50 I thought 1:53 - so while standing on line at the hot dog cart at 1:49 I casually said to myself "I've got this" as I ordered another "Makes Bob Happy" Meal, this time with a Mountain Dew since there was no other place I could get one. Grabbed my bag and sprinted to catch the train. Made it to track 33 to see no train there. Immediately called Jenn and asked "where's the train?" she said, "it's moving." I began to protest that at 1:52 (the then current time) a 1:53 train should have already left. She set me straight on the train times and I quickly ran back to the main hall and then down another corridor to the 1:53 Harlem line train where if I could catch it and get off at the Croton Falls stop, Jenn would come get me. Fortunately, I made that train after finding a seat amongst the typical Saturday night last train back to the 'burbs drunken masses, settled in to enjoy my meal. It was good, however, not even the delicious ambrosia that is Mountain Dew could wash out the taste of guilt I had for mixing up the train times and requiring special attention like a drunk girl. Luckily Jenn is a great friend and well, I've had to take care of her on a plethora of drunken nights so I while, I'm sure an annoying way to end the evening, there were no hostilities or anything. Although I did feel like an idiot for screwing up when not even drunk.

Ah well. You've always got to come away from the night with a story.

Monday, September 21, 2009

My best friend's wedding - better than any movie

This is obviously long overdue, but I've been incredibly busy. But that's for another post. This one is all about Mike's wedding.

So you may remember from the Mike's bachelor party recap, that I had arrived to JFK at something like 7am on Friday and gone to the bachelor party that night. Saturday was a day of rest and relaxation reserved for me and the family. My mom, sister and I did our best to cram two birthdays in (my sister's b-day was Friday and mine would be Monday, the day I flew back to Cali).

Sunday morning I woke up bright and early. Well, my version of bright and early - around 10, 10:30am. My mom had pancakes and bacon waiting, because she is just as good as I tell people she is and there was a Revive Vitamin Water in the fridge. Whether it's placebo or that bottle actually contains magic in it, I don't know or care, but it's how I start big days like this or recover from really great nights. I jumped in the shower and got myself ready like it was 9pm and me and the gang were getting ready for a night of legendary partying. In essence that's what I was getting ready for, just with the eternal love and commitment part crammed in the middle there. Oh, and there would be more people than we have ever rolled with. So out of the shower I had the music blasting as I dressed, slowly and methodically. I checked myself after adding each layer to make sure it was just right. After all, I was going to my best friend's wedding, no time for wrinkles, creases, static or anything like that. After finally applying the ceremonial brass buttons to the tux shirt and buttoning up the vest I was out the door, jacket in hand to Mike's to meet up with the rest of the groomsmen for pictures and to catch our ride.

Upon arriving at Mike's I discovered that our tuxes did in fact come with those little pocket squares. I thought it was odd that we weren't getting them. After questioning everyone where they got there's I ran back home and checked a small, inconspicuous bag that hung from the hanger. The pocket square was obstructed by a business card type thing that made me believe it was nothing to concern myself with. So back I raced to have someone fold the square for me. After a few attempts we had it. Well, sort of. The newly declared Mrs. Sergiano was kind enough to refold for me just before the ceremony. It was still early in the morning at this point, noon at the latest so even though we should probably have been throwing back drinks before getting in the limo we couldn't. Instead we snapped a few pics.

After we were all dressed up in our monkey suits (none of us were really excited about it. I mean, we looked nice but those jackets made it really hot) we went outside for what we thought was getting into the limo and heading over to the wedding. No, of course not that'd be too obvious. So instead there were more photos to be taken, this time thought with the whole group, including the groom, who really took his sweet ass time getting dressed. I suppose we could/should have cut him so slack. We didn't.
Anyway, after that was finally over with it was into the limo for the completely non-climactic drive to the reception hall. It was a tad surreal riding in a limo now, dressed in a monkey suit down the same streets I'd been driving on in a t-shirt and shorts since I was 17. Those times it had been to grab some food, or pick up friends or head to the bars. This time, I was going to watch my best friend get married. It was odd to say the least. One thing I will say though, is that it was completely Mike. We're a lot alike and we're very different, and this, this was him. Something simple like this - local and with relatively little production. I'm the over-the-top major blockbuster production type. This stark contrast in our personalities hit me during the ride over and I was glad that we were going where we were going.
We got to the hall and me and the other "lesser groomsmen" were just sort of hanging around by the bar area (which was not open) in front of the room where the ceremony was going to be held. The families were off taking pictures and doing whatever inner circle stuff they do. As guests started to arrive I had an early crack to see who had made it. Jay and Walter, who I hadn't seen in some years (well, I saw Walt at the bachelor party but still), Mike's friend Bobby who I've known for years, his family, our group of friends, and of course my mom and sister. When it was finally time to get the show on the road we groomsmen sprung into action, handing out wedding programs (I'm sure there's a fancier word for it) and yarmulkes (Gentile's pronounce Ya-Ma-Ka) as guests entered. After we had ushered everyone in I got a chance to meet Laurie-Jean, the bridesmaid I would be escorting throughout the course of the evening. See, the rehersal dinner had happened a day or two before I flew in so we had never met. Fortunately, she was really cool and our personalities clicked immediately. Also, I had met her husband during the bachelor party so there was no awkwardness about "man i don't want to look foolish and blow my chances with this girl." By the way, that thought in my head, mixed with some alcohol will always equal a good time. So after deciding to start on the right foot, we had our entrance all worked out and did a couple of trust fall exercises in case one of us tripped and was going down. The plan was for the other to detach their arm from the falling tree and move on as if we had never met. We were the first bridesmaid/groomsmen couple in so we had to set the tone - this wedding will stop for no one.
We made our entrance successfully and the others followed suit, although with the exception of the flower girl and ring bearers, none did it with as much pinash as we did. Then the bride made her entrance and the ceremony was underway. It was a lovely ceremony, because I don't really know how or why you would try to critique something like that. Take my word for it, it was nice. Some of the Hebrew parts I didn't understand and some of the English parts Mike obviously didn't get because his first act as a married man was to head towards the rabbi to thank her rather than to kiss his wife. I think that's another difference between us. At least I hope so, or my first marriage is going to be even shorter than I thought. I rejoined my escort for the evening and we headed out where we got to stand in line and receive thanks from everyone. Now people who know me, know that I hate getting praise or recognition for most things, but especially minor things. I just don't know how to respond to compliments. I mean if you want to thank me for curing cancer I'll find a way to handle it, but thanking me for walking and not falling - eh, it's going to make me uncomfortable to the point of laughter. Fortunately many of the bridesmaid's felt the same way so we were able to share some laughs in between receiving our congratulations and thanks for the wedding guests. After the line that would not end eventually ended we got to follow a photographer guy upstairs and out onto the balcony for more pictures. At this point it was brutal, pretty humid and I was hungry. And knowing that my mom and sister were enjoying a cocktail hour full of food wasn't helping. Eventually a waiter came up and asked for our drink orders while we were posing like the Mod Squad or a very dressed up version of the cast of 21 Jump Street. I asked the kid if they had Mountain Dew, he kinda laughed and I told him to try it with Vodka. He reluctantly told me they didn't but said he'd give it a shot. When he does it'll change his life. It was a shot in the dark that a fancy catering hall would have the single greatest carbonated beverage in the world, so I settled for a Grey Goose and Sprite. When the pictures were finally done we got our crack at the hours d'oeuvres waiting in the bridal suite. My drink came at the same time so I was able to satisfy my need for both food and drink. While we were eating and chatting Mike finally seemed relaxed. I guess he should be, the hard part of the day was over. After a relaxing 15 minutes or so we were informed that we had to leave and get ready to line up for our entrance to the reception.
None of the bridesmaids/groomsmen had anything planned, again because I wasn't at the rehearsal dinner, but Laurie-Jean was game to do something. I really lucked out there. Since we were going first again we had very little time. I shotgunned the rest of my Goose and Sprite as we were getting ready. A little pre-game bouncing (just like before a big beer pong match) and we were ready. We entered doing the presidential wave until we reached the dancefloor. From there we broke into the Temptation sway as we crossed to where we thought we were supposed to go. The spotter had to come grab us and redirect us to where we should have actually landed. As the remaining couples entered Laurie-Jean and I greeted them with the running man as they passed us and took their positions in the ever growing line awaiting the arrival of the bride and groom. Every bride and groom does something different for their intro. Scott and Kristen came out of the floor on a rising platform (awesome), and I was interested/worried about what Mike's entrance would be. Like I said, he's not the theatrical type and honestly I was more concerned about what music he'd be entering with. I'm protective of my best friend and I was deeply worried that he'd be dragged in there in front of friends and family to some stupid pop-song of the week, or cliched wedding or just something not fitting of him. The doors closed and it was time for he and Kelly to make their entrance. The lights went out and the music cut through the silience like a chainsaw. None of us knew, but within a nanosecond we were all happy for him. Enter Sandman pumped through the DJ's system and Mike got to make his entrance like Mariano Rivera coming in, in 9th, in a big game at Yankee Stadium (the old one). It was perfect. I may have shed a tear I was so happy for him.
From there the wedding progressed like they do. A traditional first dance between the bride and groom. As people were able to take their seats I grabbed my mom and sister and we made our way to bar, as a family. It was one of the happiest moments of the night for me. I bought my mom a drink and we sipped while listening to the trio of maid's of honor give their speeches, each requiring us to drink a little bit more than the last. Then we paused as Richie took the Mike. He's the little brother I never needed but have always had. I knew he was a bit worried about what to say so I wanted to be ready in case he needed me or something. His toast was everything it should be - a tad sentimental, a bit funny, no bull and concise. After that it was time for the real fun to start.
Early on, before I had even made it to my third drink, I got my second wish fulfilled. Just like I had at Scott and Kristen's wedding, I picked up on the first few notes of Earth, Wind and Fire's "September" and bolted from my seat to my mom's table. I took her hand and we headed out to the dance floor. It was one of the, if not the first dance of the night and she didn't know it yet, but her son was on his way to become the talk of the town - like he predicted. But none of that matters. I was so excited that this moment was happening. I had first thought of it back in June while starring at my mom through the glass in ICU and at the time it was the only thing I wanted in the world, to share that dance with her. At the time I what I was praying for as getting to do it at my own wedding, but given the indefinite time frame of that occurrence, I was perfectly happy that my mom was up, happy and healthy and with me out on the dance floor. Even if the old bat couldn't stay out there past the song. ;-)
I went back to my table to refresh myself with some vodka-y goodness when the DJ announced that it was Salsa time. Another big moment for me during this wedding. I had found a very helpful instructional salsa video on YouTube and emailed it to all of my gringo friends a couple of weeks before the wedding, declaring that the Caucasian Invasion would take over the dance floor. As menioned, I was consuming more alcohol when the DJ made his announcement and I looked over towards the tables where my friends were sitted, and noticed there was very little stirring taking place. I then inspired them, by proclaiming loundly, "Gringos! Vamanos!" completely with hand gestures. This got them on their feet and soon the flood I had hoped for had hit the floor. Most of us weren't very good, some people had watched the video and learned a little but we didn't care, we had a great time. That's a theme that would continue throughout the night. As the night grew longer, and the alcohol flowed like well the way alcohol usually flows when my friends are involved, the event turned into one of our nights out, just with a lot more friends to share it with. There was me cutting it up on the dancefloor - http://video.ak.facebook.com/video-ak-sf2p/v6808/247/115/554045421589_23047.mp4, and then subsequently teaching Jay how to do the same.
In one of the odder, yet more memorable moments of the wedding, I was talking to my mom near my table, cooling myself down from a recent dancecapade with another Goose and Sprite when the DJ began playing "It's raining men" and knowing that Scott, Jay and the rest of the gang were about to go crazy, I put down my drink, looked my mother in the eyes and said, "mom, I'm sorry but I have to go. They expect this." as I ran off. Well I didn't so much as run off, as I did run directly into the middle of the dance floor and start dancing around like I was flaming all over. I'm not going to lie, it was fun as hell. I may have to check out the Castro some night. Anyway, the gang loved it as we were bouncing around, hands in the air and me and boys (Scott and Jay, no I didn't name my buttocks "the boys" - I'm flat assed) shook it down. From there it only got better or worse, depending on whether or not your my mother. Shortly after that I believe I was again heading off to replenish fluids when I was prevented by another familiar beat. This time the king of pop. And just as I had done at Scott and Kristen's wedding, Billie Jean became my time. This time my mom was around to watch it (she had missed the earlier dance sequence that was caught on video). Unfortunately, the rental tux shoes weren't very smooth and my normally high 70s % moonwalk was reduced to something around a mid 60s. I realized this quickly though and all but abandoned the move, opting for more spins. Plus this time Jay jumped in and that helped to keep it from looking and feeling like a bad copy of Scott and Kristen's wedding.
We ate, and danced and continued drinking. Eventually it was dessert time and we were treated to a Viennese Hour that was so good, that Mike no longer has to apologize to me about my date to the senior prom (his gf at the time's, best friend). It had cookies, cakes, chocolate covered strawberries, zeppoles (fried dough), these little oreo like shooter things but you couldn't shoot them because they were so thick and delicious, fruit for the health conscious (whoever they are) and ice cream. It was literally a culinary explosion of the greatest kind, the kind that after you eat it all you feel bad and want to cry yourself to sleep while eating more of it. Then to top it off there was a dessert beverage station. I wasn't sure what this was and was nervous when Matt rounded up the rest of the bridal party to go over there. Turns out my fears were in my head. This was shots of after dinner liquors - Irish Creame, Amaretto, etc. in small chocolate shot glasses. Or to shorten the name, the greatest idea ever. We toasted, downed our shots and returned to our tables. I then informed my group of friends as to what lie beydond the main table and we returned to do our own round of shots. Fantastic.
After dessert was cleared away we knew it was only a matter of time before the night ended so we made sure to put everything we had into our kick (runner's term). We worked off calories and probably worked in blisters as we kept on dancing the night away. Just near the end of the night, I got my other wish for Mike, when the DJ started playing "Don't Stop Believing". Just about each one of my friends has a signature song or two. This is Mike's and we all know it. He and Kelly had just happened to be near the middle of the dance floor at the time and it worked out perfectly for us, as the whole group, 15-20 strong circled around them to sing and dance with them to Journey's classic. To the parents in attendance, distant relatives, Kelly's side of the wedding, we probably looked pretty odd, but this is how we are. 20 people, in a circle serenading the bride, who's just a small town girl, living in a lonely world, and her husband, a city boy, born and raised in south Detroit. To cap the evening off, we got back together to sign "I had the time of my life" completely with Bobby doing the Dirty Dancing leap into Matt's arms. We party hard, we have great times, and we make memories.

Congratulations again Mike and Kelly, it was pretty spectacular night.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Fantasy Football Week 2 Preview

Week 1 has come and gone, and hey, Tom Brady is still playing so this could be Wide Right's year. Then again, the 60 points that Drew Brees put up for The Breakfast Club may beg to differ. With an astounding 168.5 points in week 1 they look to be contenders all season long. Until that Brees injury of course. AnyGivenSunday snuck past the Wandering Jews with a 2 point victory and it came down to the wire as defending champs Dogs and Guns were able to hold off Beer Burgers & Blue by 1 measly friggin point. Now with 11 out of the 12 teams being run by actual owners, we head into week 2. Let's start on the loser side of things.

Mr. Scott's F**k Ups (0-1) vs. Beer Burgers and Blue (0-1)

Mr. Scott certainly got f**ked up last week at the hands of Drew Brees. The 102 point loss will be tough to topple for this year's beatdown award. But that was when the team was on it's own, without any direction. They had a name, but no one running the show. Sort of like the Oakland Raiders. Now that Mr. Scott is standing up for his namesake he's making some changes. Gone are Plaxico Burress and Donte Stallworth, in is Osi Umenyiora (although he's not in the starting lineup) and DeVry Henderson. Brian Urlacher was lost for the season in week 1 and it will be interesting to see how the F**kUps try to replace his production. This week WRs Randy Moss and Terrible Owens both look to have big games. Although the Jets defense is solid, they did run their mouths (I'm looking at you Kerry Rhodes) and usually when you do that to Moss you wind up on SportsCenter looking foolish. TE Chris Cooley is always a consistent play and against the Rams efense (no d for a reason) he'll likely be Jason Campbells security blanket and have a good game.
You've had a rough first week of fantasy football when your #1 QB scored less points than your opponents QB... who threw 4 interceptions! Such is Matt Schaub who now finds himself on the bench thanks to a very vindictive owner who lost games in 2 leagues because of the "sleeper" QB. Perhaps calling Vick's Vet Service to have Schaub put down would be best. (Funny bit of irony, Schaub used to be Vick's backup in Atlanta). Anyway, in steps the traitorious, ageless Brett Favre with a simple goal - don't f**kup against the F**kUps. RBs Ray Rice and Steven Jackson are facing formidable opponents but should be able to put up some numbers and the WRs could be in for a big day with the Jets focusing on Moss, the great white hope Wes Welker should have room to operate. If Favre can connect on a long score to Bernard Berrian, it'll be double your pleasure, double your fun for BBB.

In the other battle of teams looking to get their first W
NYDAs Office (0-1) vs. Giant Ten Pins (0-1)

The DAs Office got out-dueled in week 1 thanks to some costly 0s on the board and some less than stellar production from Brandon Jacobs, Donnie Avery and Laveraneus Coles (no longer on the team). This week they look to rebound with Peyton Manning in primetime on Monday Night. Jacobs will likely get the ball 20+ times as the Giants try to tear up the field at the new Texas stadium and TE Jason Witten is likely to have a big game, because all pass catching TEs do against the Giants. It's just how it goes. RB Cedric Benson showed signs of returning to life and relevance last week and should factor heavily into how this game goes.
The Giant Ten Pins fell in week 1 after getting a combined 6.5 points from their running backs. The 10 total points from the WRs didn't help much either. But that was just week 1 and now they're hoping for some better production. Clinton Portis should find it delightful running against the Rams after spending last week getting knocked around by the G-men. And while Carolina's defense is usually quite formidable, the disarray caused by another craptacular Jake Delhomme game may have left the team focusing more on offense, rather than how to stop Michael Turner. The Steelers Defense should be able to hold down the Bears offense, unless Jay Culter manages to throw the ball to someone on his own team, and could be the deciding factor.

Dogs and Guns (1-0) vs. LT Get Outta My Way (0-1)

D&Gs certainly wasn't impressed by new QB Jay Cutler's actions in week 1, but it was enough to get a win - just not the way the owner is used to. When you are used to having Drew Brees as your QB you tend to ignore that position when building your weekly lineup. Now, faced with questions and criticism, how will the champ deal with the fact that he's not getting 40-60 points each week from his QB? Probably just fine since he still has Chris Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald and T.J. Houshmazod (which you know means championship). TE John Carlson just got added to my personal hate list after 2 TDs last week in that soul crushing 1 point loss, but gives D&G something else to fall back on should Cutler forget which team to throw to. Backed by the Titans defense which look very good last Thursday night, could we be looking at a team that will make it 2 straight?
Last week WRs Antonio Bryant and Braylon Edwards didn't show up to play, and it cost LT. Solid production from RBs Frank Gore and Brian Westbrook along with WR Greg Jennings had them in the hunt. This week, despite injuries, they'll be going with the same starting lineup. Unless half of their opponents roster gets hurt before halftime, it's likely that LT will wind up 0-2 at the end of Monday Night (with live scoring no need to wait until Tuesday morning). Such is what happens when a team is left to manage itself.

The Wandering Jews (0-1) vs. The Breakfast Club (1-0)

Facing the Wandering Jews during Rosh Hashannah is either a really good thing, or a really bad thing. I'm sure it's one of those. Last week the Jews got Peterson'd after their starting QB Donovan McNabb got knocked out of his game. RB LaDanian Tomlinson also got hurt putting the pressure on the rest of the roster, who simply were unable to make it up. Sunday, as the high holy days shine down on fields across the nation, the Jews will put their faith in a man named Flacco. It could be worse, it could be Falco, and we all remember what happened in that Sugar Bowl game. If Brandon Marshall shuts his mouth and plays football this team could have one of the best 3 man receiving corps in the league, with Colston and Roy E. Williams. All 3 are number one options for their team and can put up numbers on Sunday. The running game took a bit of a hit losing Tomlinson, and I say a bit because personally I think he's climbed over the top of the hill and is quickly heading downwards (remember Priest Holmes?).
The Breakfast Club comes into this game with as much undeserved confidence as any team that has Drew Brees as their QB should. Not a knock against Matt, I just really hate Drew Brees - fantasy wise. I don't know enough about him as a person to really hate him yet. Anyway, after putting up 60 on the Lions he takes aim at a somewhat reasonable Philadelphia defense, which should serve as a good barometer of what his scoring will look like in an average game. In case you didn't pay attention to his supporting cast week, RBs Ryan Grant and Kevin Smith aren't going to get the name recognition but are both certainly #1 backs on their team, likely to get 15-20 carries a game. WR Andre Johnson didn't do much in week 1 - courtesy of Matt Schaub - but is like a time bomb waiting to go off and make this team even more high scoring. Just what we all needed.

Someone is going to get their first lost
Wide Right (1-0) vs. Any Given Sunday (1-0)

The Brady plan worked for Wide Right, but the running game did not. Half a point, combined. The Jets defense really ate up Houston and Tampa Bay kept Felix Jones down and out. It won't get any easier this week though, as Slaton will go up against the Titans and Felix Jones gets to see Big Blue coming at him. This means that the pressure will once again be on Brady and his receivers - Dwayne Bowe, Lee Evans and the rookie, Percy Harvin. TE Kellen Winslow can be a pass catching offensive weapon and help ease the burden but in his Tampa debut didn't give Wide Right any reason to be confident. Wide Right may need to squeeze out an extra point from each member of the defense and an extra 40 yard field goal from kicker Adam Vinatieri if they hope to squeak by again this week.
After a week 1 win, thanks to Adrian "I look good in purple" Peterson, Sunday has revamped her receivers to better compliment the backfield. Justin Gage and Mario Manningham are the New Editions (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYgxifjHsb8&feature=related) hoping to help the team cool down and take some of the pressure off of Peterson. Even he can't put up 3 TDs every week. QB Aaron Rodgers looked better in the second half of the Sunday Night game against the Bears and this week gets the Bungles defense who gave up that last second miracle to Brandon Stockley. Despite an impressive shutout of the Rams in week 1, the Seahawks defense is getting a much greater test in the Singletary led 49ers who are seriously thinking division championship after beating the Cardinals last week.

And our game of the week, with only 3 project points separating them
The New Good Ones (1-0) vs. Vicks Vet Service (1-0)

The New Good Ones managed a week 1 victory despite RB Matt Forte being basically un-heard from during the game against the Packers. WR Anquan Boldin also made a less than stellar contribution, but in fairness he was a game time decision. This week they're both back and healthy and are looking to help move the New Good Ones to 2-0. Reggie Wayne's performanced dominated the WRs for week 1 and he'll look to do it again on Monday Night Football against the Dolphins. Remember when the Jags defense was something on par with the Steelers or Ravens? Yeah, that's not the case anymore. Anquan Boldin back at full strength means he's a potential 9/110/1 kinda guy, and those numbers can get bigger if Jacksonville puts all their effort into stopping Fitzgerald. Thomas Jones is still the lead dog in the Jets running game but figure Bill Belicheck to know that and have a plan to limit or stop him and force the game into rookie QB Matt Sanchez's hands. However, the biggest matchups will be Forte, who now has to take on the Steelers defense who shut down Chris Johnson in week 1, and Philip Rivers who faces the Ravens. In a game this close, these decisions are what make or break you.
Vick's Vet Service got off to a fast start in week 1 thanks to stupid, f'ing Tony Romo. Key contributions were also made by former Giant Derrick Ward, cold filtered MJD, and WRs Vincent Jackson and Devin Hester. This week though, Romo faces the Giants who would love nothing more than to ruin his homecoming, and start the Texas media speculation again on if he can win the big game. MJD will face the Cardinals, whose defense has improved steadily, but still is not in a position to stop his multi-faceted game. Unless they just tell Karlos Dansby to "follow that guy" all game. WR Roddy White figures to factor more into the action this week as the Falcons travel to Carolina for a divisional matchup, while Jackson and Hester will have their hands full with the Raven's and Steeler's defenses respectively. TE Dallas Clark is sure to make an appearance on Monday Night Football, making his just enough catches for just enough yards infinitely more annoying knowing that there are no more games to make up the points.

Well that's it. The only thing left is to play the games.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Dance the Night Away

Somewhere in the middle of Scott and Kristen's wedding I realized that despite being really pale, and thereby being born rhythmically challenged, I really enjoy dancing. As I may have mentioned during that wedding I couldn't resist the beat when they started playing Earth, Wind and Fire's "September". A little later in the night I found myself on the floor again with many people circled around me as I busted out some MJ tribute moves to Billie Jean. I was even able to pull off a 78% moonwalk, however, it wasn't caught on tape.

With all of that in the back of my mind I prepared for Mike and Kelly's wedding a few weeks later. Due to the added ethnic component of this wedding (in case you couldn't tell from the pictures Scott and Kristen are almost as white as me) I knew I had to up my game. Thanks to a handy instructional salsa video on YouTube (which I passed around to the rest of the gringos who would be attending) I was prepared - but I'll do a full recap the wedding in a later post. This is more of a teaser.

Since it was Mike's wedding, Scott was freed up to whip out his camera and capture some great action. So without further ado, a hilarious video of me (please note I had been drinking and was a born a Leo, meaning I naturally crave the spotlight).

http://video.ak.facebook.com/video-ak-sf2p/v6808/247/115/554045421589_23047.mp4

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Shout-Out to the Newlyweds

Last week I flew back to New York to attend the wedding of my friend's Scott and Kristen. First off, let me just say that "friends" is misleading - I love those guys and couldn't be happier for them. Alright, enough sentimental stuff for now, let's recap the event (or at least the important parts from my perspective).

After some c0-mingling with friends we were shown into the rainforest room where the ceremony was to take place. Took our seats and away we go. I served as official personal photographer to my friend Lauren, a bridesmaid who wanted new facebook profile pictures. After a few minutes the families started entering, and away we go. I did my best to get pictures of the bridesmaids as they entered but had made an early error by sitting stage left (the side the groomsmen would be on as they escorted the lovely ladies down the aisle), so they weren't my best work. Bride meet
groom, this nice gentleman here will be marrying you, now each of you repeat what he says, whe he looks at you like you're supposed to say something, say "I do" and we're done. No nonsense ceremony, very nice, not dragging and nothing to complain about.

Cocktail hour is on and let's find the bar. Ask the bartender the most important question - "Do you have Mountain Dew on the gun?". They didn't, so it was going to be a Sprite night. First drink was well vodka and spirte, or as it should be called, a mistake. Fortunately it was learned afterwards that had we just asked Steve (I learn bartender's names very early) he would give us Kettle One. That was put to good use the rest of the night. More mingling and talking, congratulating the families and we're starting to get into the party mood.

Shuffling us off to the main hall now to take our seats and time for me to speed this up and hit the highlights. Take seats, order dinner, await wedding party's entrance. My friend Jason tries to convince one of the bridesmaids (perhaps the whitest of them all) to do the soulja boy dance with him when they enter. She declines, he does it anyway (that's why we're friends). Bride and Groom aren't at the end of the procession. Where are they? Oh, popping out of a chapel that rises from the stage - AWESOME! I've got to get one of those for my wedding... uhhh.

DJ plays some questionable floor clearers throughout the night and I'm starting to get worried that dancing will not occur. Just started on drink #4 or 5 and am just hoping to get 1 song I like. Then, I hear it. The begining of "September" by Earth, Wind and Fire. Grab my friend Michelle's sister Amy's hand we're out there.

Lowlight - during the conga line we passed the bar and I jumped off to get another Kettle and Sprite. Rejoin the party on the dance floor to limbo, Hermes Conrad style. Get under the first time no problem. Second time, little difficulty getting down, so I pause and take another sip. I'm under the bar hopping through when I slip and start going down. Safety first I keep my head up to avoid smashing it and possibly getting a concussion, but my drink is not so lucky. Glass shatters on the dance floor and I'm lying in vodka, sprite and ice. Awesome. I got up and immediately apologized profusely to Scott and Kristen. They shook it off and I went back to see Steve for a refill to sulk into.

Alright, called out to the dance floor for the garter toss. Boquet was caught by the maid of honor, Tori. I'm standing next to her boyfriend A.J. (or as I call him - the Phenominal One, long story but beer pong related) who informs me that Scott intends to throw the gartner directly at him, and asks for my help. No problem, that's what I do - help people. Scott turns and fires, and I casual take a step forward, reach out and snag the garter in the air, pivot and strut off a la saturday night fever. I'm just about at my table to get my drink when I hear them calling me back. This is the part I did not know. He who catches the garter, must apply it to she who caught the boquet. Ah, so helping out A.J. has now deteroirated into feeling up his girlfriend. Interesting turn of events. Well I know I'm going to keep it pretty PG, but the crowd wants a show. Fortunately, I've got prop sunglasses (that they gave out earlier, no I don't go to weddings with my own props. I'm not Carrot Top. I'm funny) to help make this more believeable. So I keep it tasteful, yet entertaining. Someone posted a video on Facebook but I don't feel like copying it to repost it here.

Hit another lul as me and my friends are back at our table, drinking, and waiting for a song to dance to. Waiting. Amy says that if we wait for the perfect song we'll never get out there. Works everytime. Hit it - "Billie Jean". I don't know if anyone was headed to the dance floor or not, but I beat everyone out there and busted my 78% moonwalk across the floor and into the spin. A few fantastic moves later and the floor is filled. A few more moves and my friends have all gathered around me as I'm showing off the moves. Great song, great time. Couple more great songs to dance to, ending with "Don't Stop Believin'".

Anyway, I'm not sure I'm going with any of this. Just really wanted to mention what a great night it was, for myself but more importantly for my friends, the bride and groom. I wish you guys nothing but the best because I believe you're the best match for each other.

Salud.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Video Project

A few weeks ago we got an assignment in my Video Storytelling class to shoot a video about life in San Francisco. Our original concept didn't go over so well when the group presented (I was 34,000 feet above ground on my way home for Scott & Kristen's wedding) so the decision was made to re-concept and re-shoot. While I was away the team did the filming and some editing. To make it up to them for not being around, I put together a reimagination-ing of our vidoes in 90, 60 and 30 second cuts. Although it wasn't presented in class I figured I'd share it here, because I did all of the video and audio editing in and I want someone to "ooh" and "ahh" or tell me why I suck and how to be better. Anyway, without further rambling, here's my 30 second clip.

Concept: Healthy living as a runner passes through some of the unique areas of San Francisco.


Monday, July 27, 2009

Rock Girls Are Hot

First off, you should already know that.

I meant to post this a few weeks ago but got busy with school. Funny thing about the universe though, it's actually because of school that I'm posting it now.

I was working on an assignment - selling the Harley Davidson Sportster 883 to women.
Which got me thinking about Harley Davidson - black leather, bad ass, rock and roll. Which brought me back to this video (Note: the captions are mostly wrong and whoever added them has zero command of the English language, so just ignore them)



Point made.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

How big's your engine?

A friend of mine who is also in advertising and I were talking about this commercial after I commented that there is no substitute for a rock chick. It dates back to a time when anyone who drove a Prius would be called names other than "environmentally conscious". Fast cars and rock n' roll - I miss that.



Suck it Ken, you hybrid driving pansy.

My apology to the Gay Community

I don't like strip clubs. I'm not a fan of strippers. I have my reasons, but I'll just say that it's the lack of commitment to one value set or another - either you are or you aren't - that bothers me about the profession. Anyway, not important.

Many of my friends do not share my view, which is fine, and as most bachelor parties do, my friend's involved a trip to a strip club. Side Note: Even in Vegas, don't go to a strip club on a Sunday night. The B squad is in.

I'm not one to pull a Mike and flake out on my friends, so I planned to just suck it up for the night and go hang out with my friends. We got to the strip club, I don't know, around midnight maybe midnight-30 and it wasn't very full. We sit down not too far from the "stage" and are descended upon by 4 or 5 girls. Fortunately one was taking drink orders and I decided to keep the vodka flowing for the rest of the night. Additionally, I had something else going in my favor - my look. I wasn't the happy to be there guy, Scott had that taken care of - boom, girl goes to him. I wasn't the shy, nervous looking guy, poor Tim never had a minute alone - boom boom boom let me her ya say way oh, girl goes to him. I wasn't the "he's cute and if I wasn't a stripper and he wasn't paying to see me take my clothes off, I think I'd ask for his number" guy, Brandon's your man for that - boom girl goes to him, possibly questioning her career choice as she does.

That gave me a few minutes to hang out and talk to Scott's brother Graig and enjoy my drink. However, I knew that it was only a matter of time before I was no longer safe. Either a new shift would start, or one of the other parties would stop tipping well or I'd accidentally look like I was interested. I needed a long term plan.

Eventually the time came. She asked me to scoot over and I did, because my mommy raised me to be a gentleman, even to strippers and told me that she'd take good care of me tonight. I had this idea in the back of my head and decided to just go with it.

"Thanks, I really appreciate the attention...but I'm gay."

She pulled a 3 point turn and tried to pass it off like she was talking about Scott but after I told her he was doing alright for now she was gone.

And not a single stripper came and talked to me for the rest of the night. It was wonderful. I got to keep my eyes wandering when a decent looking girl passed by, and I got to enjoy drinking and talking with my friends.

My cover worked a little too well, in that I had to keep the lie up so during a conversation with some guys nearby I had to decline accepting an offer to get up close and friendly with a girl, due to my faux homosexuality, which resulted in the guy we were talking to commenting that if I "liked white guys" I should email him when I got back to San Francisco because he had some friends.

Needless to say, will not be emailing him.

But my idea worked out better than I had hoped and I actually had an enjoyable night. In typical fashion of course, my friend's presented me with an 'It's Okay to be Gay' card the following night at the Hard Rock Cafe after requesting The Village People's classic "YMCA". Gotta love friend's like that.

Sorry got a little sidetracked. Anyway, to the heart of the matter. I, honestly and do sincerely apologize to the gay and lesbian community for pretending to be such just to avoid prolonged contact with strippers. I mean no harm nor disrespect and it is my hope that you will accept my heartfelt apology... and also allow me to continue to pretend to be gay in these situations. As a token of thanks, I will continue to support musical theater, the right to gay marriage and will not judge the homosexual experimentation of college frat boys.

Thank you.

Bite


My friends and I took in a show while in Vegas - I'd say when in Rome but the show was at the Stratosphere, not Caesar's Palace so when in Seattle would be more like it, except that it would ruin the whole concept of the quote because when in Seattle buy an umbrella ella ella and drink coffee. Anyway, the show we went to see was called "Bite". It was billed as a rock n' roll inspired musical show about Vampires but I'm fairly certain that my friend Scott stopped after reading "Topless Revue" and decided that this is what we should see.

The topless aspect being nothing more than a gimmick, I'm sure many of my friends left the show rather unsatisfied or just flat out disappointed. Note: The usage of the phrase "flat out" was not meant to indicate that the performers were flat chested, it was merely a hilarious coincidence in my writing which I feel is better left and overtly explained rather than changed for clarity.

The show itself had a simple premise - Vampire Lord fell in love with a girl, she died or disappeared (didn't really understand how that worked but whatever) and he can't find her. So every night he parties with his coven of (topless) vampire girls and invites people to come join them, in the hopes that he'll find her some day, convert her (apparently mama vampire lord doesn't approve of shiksas) and make her his queen. Like I said - simple premise. The show was executed like Billy Joel's Broadway musical "Movin' Out", namely, in that there was no spoken dialogue, and the story was told through the music. Also to be interpreted as - at least we can hire good looking performers and not have to worry about whether or not they can actually act.

But the music was where this show shined - a classic rock setlist that included maybe tops 2 songs I didn't recognize. Here are some of the hits:

Welcome to the Jungle - cliched start but whatever
Sympathy for the Devil - the GNR cover
Girl You Really Got Me - Van Halen edition
Hot For Teacher
Cold As Ice
Hot Blooded
Rock and Roll Fantasy
Come Sail Away
Moondance
You Shook Me (All Night Long)
Living After Midnight - outro

And plenty more that I can't remember at this time but distinctly remember getting excited about and quietly singing along to. In addition to the rock awesome soundtrack you had some of the Vegas standards - dancing girls, two rings performers (you know, hang from a ring, sping around the ceiling, grab a partner and spin her too?) and a woman who did similiar tricks from some fabric hanging from the ceiling. I know that there are fancy artist terms for these things, but I have no idea what they are. Additionally, not all of the tracks were just pipped into the theater off of a great mix CD. Several were sung by a member of the cast including a great scene performing "Moondance" as the Vampire Lord tried to court his beloved. Imagine that. Of all the nights for us to show up at the show, he finally finds her when we were there. Amazing, wonder what the odds are on that.

So I enjoyed the show immensely, partially due to a curly haired brunette rock Vampire chick named Pain. What can I say - everyone's got a type.

Monday, June 29, 2009

It's about time

I finally got my hands on a bottle of Mountain Dew Throwback. I searched all over the South Bay back in California and couldn't find anything. However, I just ran out for a few slices of pizza and spotted a row of bottles in the pizzeria. I excitedly grabbed one and rushed home to try it. I mean, c'mon, pizza and Mountain Dew is a top combination.

First off, the most appealing thing about Mountain Dew Throwback is the design of the logo. It's much nicer than the new modern crap they've started sticking on the bottles and cans. And now for the hilariousness that is me trying to describe and critique food. Anyway, as for the taste - Throwback is sweeter (as you might expect), which cuts down on that tart/bitter kick you get when it hits the back of your mouth. Some people may welcome it, while I found myself missing that familiar tingle. To it's credit though, I will say that Throwback feels smoother when it goes down your throat, like a well brewed beer. Also, I would say that a sip of Throwback is self-contained satisfaction, meaning each drop gives you the taste and feeling that you want. Typically I guzzle down 8-15ozs of the regular Dew before I feel satisfied. I think ideally I'd like both versions to remain as options. While I'd likely drink the regular Dew more frequently, it'd be nice to have some Throwback as a break every now and again.

I poured a little into a glass and asked my mom to try it. In a glass Throwback looks lighter in color and slightly more natural, compared to the nearly nuclear look of regular Dew. My mom took a sip and immediately exclaimed "that's retro" and dove into the story of how when she was pregnant the nurses told her not to drink coffee, and then someone asked if she had tried this new thing called "Mountain Dew". Misunderstanding the context my mom thought Mountain Dew had no caffeine in it and replaced her frequent coffee drinking with the Dew, so as to not damage her unborn son. So I may not have been born in a cross-fire hurricane, or under a bad sign, but I was born with Dew in my veins.

It's safe to say that it's worked out well for all of us.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

These Moments

It was one of those nights down in New York City. Without explaining the whole night (mostly because I'm tired and have no patience to explain all the plots and sub-plots of the evening), let me cut to the part that makes me happiest.

My friend Tim drops my sister and I off at home, somewhere around quarter to 4 in the morning. We walk into the house together as I am asking her if she is still hungry. She says yes, take my car and get me some food. My mother, who is still sleeping/living in the living room while she recovers, is slightly awake thanks to the side effects of everyone's favorite corticosteroid - prednisone - she asks me to pick up a copy of the Daily News and if I'm at a gas station, a Joey's black and white cookie. I take the keys, some cash and I'm off.

On my way I witness 2 different cars being pulled over by state troopers. For those of you in California (or elsewhere) let me explain what a New York State Trooper is. It's like a CHiPS officer or your local cop, if they had a nearly unlimited jurisdiction, supreme authority and didn't care about your feelings if you cried when they pulled you over for speeding. And if that doesn't work for you let me put it this way - they (many of them) drive supped up Camaros which are capable of catching your "pimped out" Honda Civic no matter how many inches you lowered it or how big of a stupid fucking ass spoiler you put on the back of it. Got that Fast and the Furious?

Anyway, after collecting the Sunday paper and a pair of Joey's black and whites (not bakery fresh but a definite #2 after Zarros) I headed on to the local 24 hour McDonalds. Or as it would be perhaps called on the West Coast - ..., honestly I have no idea what they'd call it. Magic burger joint? Intergalatic time warp food spot? How you can't find anything open after 11pm astounds the hell out of me, so a 24 hour fast food place would confuse the hell out of them so bad that people would stop driving hybrid cars and eating tofu just out of sure mental fucktatood from something so alien entering their grey matter. While waiting for my food I tuned in to the presets on my sister's XM radio and found "She's got a girlfriend now" by Reel Big Fish and gleefully sang along.

Unfortunately, XM get's pretty poor reception and I had to sit many a minute listening to radio static instead of the song - joy. I was finally able to pull all the way in (that's what she said) and pay for and collect my order. On the way out of the drive thru back on to the main road I tuned into the 90s station, where I heard "Step by Step", the ultra incredible dance tune that should live forever (and if it's up to me will) by New Kids on the Block. At this point there was only one thing to do...

Put the windows down and crank that bad boy while singing at the top of your lungs. I now have a sore throat and likely won't be able to speak tomorrow, but you know what? It was all worth it - that song is awesome.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

The King is Dead

Yeah I know, no one needs to read another Michael Jackson reaction/tribute article but this is a major pop-culture event so I've go to write something about it.

First off this is huge because he is/was a prominent celebrity of my generation. Take a step back babies of the 80s and realize this - our celebrities are starting to die. Now of course you'll always have your "die young types", your River Phoenix's, Kurt Cobain's, Chris Farley's, but Michael Jackson died outside of one of the typical overdose, car crash, suicide, etc. celebrity cliches. The people we grew up watching and thinking were cool are old and getting older, hell Guns N' Roses has been on (good) classic rock stations for almost a decade, and they're soon going to be the celebrity deaths the world is talking about. It's a bit worrisome when you use it to look back at yourself and realize you're not a kid anymore.

Okay now for the historical pop-culture placement. Michael Jackson was the King of Pop. No one can take that away from him - hear me Justin Timberlake? Usher? (queue video clip from the Boondocks where Martin Luther King Jr. tells Usher "Michael Jackson is not a genre of music!") Thriller is still to this day the best selling album of all time, and thanks to the music industry being a bunch of jerks it seems like that will never change as tech savy teens find new ways to "obtain" music. Michael Jackson was the front man of the great '70s motown group, the Jackson 5 with his brothers, then went on to the most successful solo career ever, his Pepsi ads in the 80s were classic, he married Elvis' daughter, was accussed of molesting little boys, had a 3-D movie adventure in DisneyWorld, was controversial for grabbing his crotch and wearing one white glove, starred in a music based movie - Moonwalker (I'm tentative to call it a "musical") and the subsequent video game (which was awesome), lent his speaking voice (but not his singing voice) to a classic episode of the Simpsons, dangled his baby off a balcony, actually changed his skin from black to white, outbid Paul McCartney for the Beatles catalog and then licensed their songs for commercials, was a prominent child rights and health advocate via the Heal the World Foundation, had Jon Landis direct a 14 minute long video for Thriller and on top of it all amazed everyone with the moonwalk, which has to be the most attempted to impersonate dance move in the history of humankind.

In short, the man is a pop-culture legend. For all his good and evil (which I believe was the result of a tortured soul thanks to the well documented abuse at the hands of the Jackson Family patriarch - I mean, look at that family, all the kids are screwed up. Michael as the youngest and most talented, probably also got it the worst), it's up to us now to decide how to remember him. It shouldn't be too difficult though, his music and his (dance) moves will live on forever. Don't believe me? When your kids get to be around age 5 show them the music video for Billie Jean and be ready to scrub up scuff marks as they try to moonwalk across the kitchen floor.

Personally, I'd like to think that the Michael Jackson we all loved still exists, somewhere out there.