If My Life were a Movie...

CAST:

Me: Michael Cera (he's done it before) or Topher Grace but I think that Johnny Depp has the range.
Female Lead (the one I wind up with): Anne Hathaway (obviously) or Sarah Chalke (she plays the part to a T)
The One that Got Away: Eliza Dushku or Mila Kunis
Best Friend (Male): Jake Gyllenhaal or Jason Bateman
Best Friend (Female): Rachel Leigh Cook
My Mom: Marissa Tomei (seriously, she looks the same as she did in My Cousin Vinny)
My Sister: Michelle Trachtenberg

Director: Kevin Smith but it'd be cool if we could get Christopher Nolan

Soundtrack: a little bit of: Jay-Z, Guns N' Roses, the Rolling Stones, Queen among others.

Country Roads: Part 6 - On the way to Uncle's

Country Roads Part 6 - On the way to Lou's

Okay where I was I? Oh yea, Sikeston, Missouri in a really nice suite. So I did the usual, woke up, had breakfast, showered and jumped back in the car. Although this day was unlike all of the others, today was the day that I was going to make it to Memphis, Tennesse and get some of Uncle Lou's Fried chicken (as seen on the Food Network). It's not much of an exaggeration to say that it was actually Uncle Lou's which inspired this whole trip across the country.

I had seen it on TV and wanted it. Then I thought to myself - "honestly, when the hell am I ever going to go to Memphis?" Well I made up a reason, to get back to NY from SF. Sure, it's not the most direct route, but like I said, otherwise when would I really ever go to Memphis?

So in the car I hit the push button start and was on my back onto the highway south. I will admit that I got a little nervous for a minute when I saw the sign welcoming me to Arkansas because I had completely missed the fact that my route would take me through R Kansas for about half an hour. Once I had successfully cleared one of the states I was pretty sure that I'd never go to, I was into Tennessee. I was excited. And hot, it was already in the mid-90s and we're not even at noon yet.

As the in car thermometer hit 102 the GPS guided me into the non-tourst part of Memphis where I found Uncle Lou's Famous Fried Chicken in small and somewhat suspicious looking strip mall.

I walked in and despite the fact that there was a Dallas Cowboys flag hanging for some sort of fundraiser or something, I felt right at home. I quickly looked over the menu and decided on the mixed 3 piece meal with Sweet Spicy Love (the mild variety) and a large version of Uncle Lous cool aid. I took a seat at one of the tables and about 10 minutes or so later the man himself, Uncle Lou, emerged from the kitchen with my order. The meal came with french fries and a honey biscuit, both of which were just alright, but the chicken. Oh the chicken. Yeah, it was incredible. Sweet, Spicy Love is the sauce that our sauces should aspire to be. After a great meal I bought a bottle of SSL to bring home to mom to make her KFC take out, awesome.

Back in the car and it's about 105 degrees now as I make towards Kentucky. A few flash rainstorms (my first precipitation of the trip) got the temperature down to a cool 95 degrees. The incredibly hot temperatures have since caused a problem with my memory and I don't really remember the rest of Tennessee. I did stop at a gas station/souvenoir stand to pick up some gifts for my mom and grandfather (he was station in Tennessee during the war and really loved it) but other than that, I don't remember anything else.

Inside of Kentucky I had to fill up at a gas station, I think someways past Frankfurt. I ran in to grab a bottle of water as the temp had gone back up to 97, and was utterly shocked at the incredibly beautiful girl working at the counter. I noticed her as I walked in and made my way to the cooler to grab a bottle of water. As I picked out a bottle I started trying to figure out what the hell she was doing there. She was beauitful so why would she be working in a gas station in the middle of nowhere Kentucky? In NY she would have at least had a photo casting call to model...uhm, something but in Kentucky she was rotting away at a gas station. I wished I didn't have a carload of crap so that I could offer to take her away from this boring life (and 97 degree heat) and bring her back with me to the big city.

I paid for my water and she asked if I needed anything else. My head finally caught up and I scrolled through possible responses about asking for her number, or to run away with me. Instead though, I declined her offer and got back into the car to once again wish I had said something different.

Drove the rest of the way to Lexington where I stayed at a Red Roof Inn. It was pretty pricey but like most nights, I was exhausted when I got there and wasn't going to bother trying to drive around for a better rate. So I unpacked, showered and hit the bed. I was pretty close now - in the Eastern time zone, so it wouldn't be long now.

Just your typical NYC Night

Last night I headed down to the Lower East Side to take in a show - a burlesque show - at the Slipper Room for my friend Lauren's birthday.

Accompanying me on the trip, a.k.a. giving me a ride to the train station and back home, was my friend Jenn and her boyfriend Dave. After arriving at Grand Central, which still instills me with awe every time I pass through it, we headed out to the streets towards Bryant Park where we would pick up the F downtown. At the corner of 42nd and Avenue of the Americas I sent Jenn and Dave on their way as I stepped up for my favorite of NY delicacies - the dirty water dog. A $9 "Makes Bob Happy" Meal later (for those not from around here, that's 2 dogs and a pretzel) I headed across the street, met them at the entrance to the subway, polished off the 2 dogs so I could have a hand to hold my pretzel and we were on our way. Now I had offered to share a meal with my accomplices, but Jenn mentioned that Dave doesn't eat hot dogs and if he weren't the size of a small mountain I probably would have given him shit for it. But he is, so I didn't.

We took the subway down, Jenn briefly called my sister to give her directions to the Slipper Room and we made our way to the venue. We still had time to kill before meeting everyone else and the show starting, and with Jenn and Dave both hungry, we made our way to a local pub so they could eat and I could catch up on my rapidly imploding NCAA bracket. We visited the 6th Ward. I finished off the 20oz Mountain Dew I had picked up earlier while gleefully learning that Kansas had been upset by Northern Iowa. I was also shockingly surprised to hear the Buzzcocks "Ever Fall in Love (with someone you shouldn't)" played in the bar. Fantastic saw and such a great bit of pop-culture. It's the song playing during the montage of J.D. and Elliot's first time in a relationship together on Scrubs. Season 1, episode 15, "My Bed Banter and Beyond". What can I say, I love that episode and Sarah Chalke/Dr. Elliot Reid was a major crush. She's married now, well Sarah Chalke is, but I guess Dr. Reid can still be a crush. (Note: I'll have to explain my personal rules on crushing sometime so that this makes a bit more sense).

Anyway, to the Slipper Room!

$5 cover to get in, we knew this in advance, and it's fairly nice sized space. It get's a little cramped up by the stage but there are some comfortable booths lining the outside and then there's the bar on the opposite wall. Not a huge place, but still bigger than your average bar in San Francisco. Saw some people I hadn't in a long time and caught up with them, saw some of the gang I hadn't seen since coming into town, and well you know, the usual stuff you do and conversations you have when you're with friends. Of course wished the birthday girl a happy birthday and gave her the great news that a team decked out in purple had been the ones to take down the might Kansas Jayhawks. Night continued, drank, posed for pictures, told jokes, stories and the what not.

Time to leave, back on the subway and to Grand Central. Slight mix up (in my head) with what time the train leaves - it leaves at 1:50 I thought 1:53 - so while standing on line at the hot dog cart at 1:49 I casually said to myself "I've got this" as I ordered another "Makes Bob Happy" Meal, this time with a Mountain Dew since there was no other place I could get one. Grabbed my bag and sprinted to catch the train. Made it to track 33 to see no train there. Immediately called Jenn and asked "where's the train?" she said, "it's moving." I began to protest that at 1:52 (the then current time) a 1:53 train should have already left. She set me straight on the train times and I quickly ran back to the main hall and then down another corridor to the 1:53 Harlem line train where if I could catch it and get off at the Croton Falls stop, Jenn would come get me. Fortunately, I made that train after finding a seat amongst the typical Saturday night last train back to the 'burbs drunken masses, settled in to enjoy my meal. It was good, however, not even the delicious ambrosia that is Mountain Dew could wash out the taste of guilt I had for mixing up the train times and requiring special attention like a drunk girl. Luckily Jenn is a great friend and well, I've had to take care of her on a plethora of drunken nights so I while, I'm sure an annoying way to end the evening, there were no hostilities or anything. Although I did feel like an idiot for screwing up when not even drunk.

Ah well. You've always got to come away from the night with a story.

Rock Girls Are Hot

First off, you should already know that.

I meant to post this a few weeks ago but got busy with school. Funny thing about the universe though, it's actually because of school that I'm posting it now.

I was working on an assignment - selling the Harley Davidson Sportster 883 to women.
Which got me thinking about Harley Davidson - black leather, bad ass, rock and roll. Which brought me back to this video (Note: the captions are mostly wrong and whoever added them has zero command of the English language, so just ignore them)



Point made.

Bite

My friends and I took in a show while in Vegas - I'd say when in Rome but the show was at the Stratosphere, not Caesar's Palace so when in Seattle would be more like it, except that it would ruin the whole concept of the quote because when in Seattle buy an umbrella ella ella and drink coffee. Anyway, the show we went to see was called "Bite". It was billed as a rock n' roll inspired musical show about Vampires but I'm fairly certain that my friend Scott stopped after reading "Topless Revue" and decided that this is what we should see.

The topless aspect being nothing more than a gimmick, I'm sure many of my friends left the show rather unsatisfied or just flat out disappointed. Note: The usage of the phrase "flat out" was not meant to indicate that the performers were flat chested, it was merely a hilarious coincidence in my writing which I feel is better left and overtly explained rather than changed for clarity.

The show itself had a simple premise - Vampire Lord fell in love with a girl, she died or disappeared (didn't really understand how that worked but whatever) and he can't find her. So every night he parties with his coven of (topless) vampire girls and invites people to come join them, in the hopes that he'll find her some day, convert her (apparently mama vampire lord doesn't approve of shiksas) and make her his queen. Like I said - simple premise. The show was executed like Billy Joel's Broadway musical "Movin' Out", namely, in that there was no spoken dialogue, and the story was told through the music. Also to be interpreted as - at least we can hire good looking performers and not have to worry about whether or not they can actually act.

But the music was where this show shined - a classic rock setlist that included maybe tops 2 songs I didn't recognize. Here are some of the hits:

Welcome to the Jungle - cliched start but whatever
Sympathy for the Devil - the GNR cover
Girl You Really Got Me - Van Halen edition
Hot For Teacher
Cold As Ice
Hot Blooded
Rock and Roll Fantasy
Come Sail Away
Moondance
You Shook Me (All Night Long)
Living After Midnight - outro

And plenty more that I can't remember at this time but distinctly remember getting excited about and quietly singing along to. In addition to the rock awesome soundtrack you had some of the Vegas standards - dancing girls, two rings performers (you know, hang from a ring, sping around the ceiling, grab a partner and spin her too?) and a woman who did similiar tricks from some fabric hanging from the ceiling. I know that there are fancy artist terms for these things, but I have no idea what they are. Additionally, not all of the tracks were just pipped into the theater off of a great mix CD. Several were sung by a member of the cast including a great scene performing "Moondance" as the Vampire Lord tried to court his beloved. Imagine that. Of all the nights for us to show up at the show, he finally finds her when we were there. Amazing, wonder what the odds are on that.

So I enjoyed the show immensely, partially due to a curly haired brunette rock Vampire chick named Pain. What can I say - everyone's got a type.

Soundtrack: 4th of July

This is by no means definitive. No one should ever try to impose their musical tastes on someone else, just like politics or religion. This is how I see America's Birthday in the songs around us.

Born in the U.S.A. - Bruce Springsteen: Despite the countless times it's been misinterpreted, had it's meaning ignored by some idiot who didn't listen beyond the chorus (*cough* 1980's Republicans *cough*), or maybe because of those facts it's always been a "must play" because it doesn't pull any punches and isn't a propaganda song like you'd think based on the name. It's real America, like Bruce.

Pink Houses and Small Town - John Melloncamp (Cougar optional): I grew up in the suburbs, somewhere outside of New York City that some jerks (Long Islanders) still call "upstate" where you could both feel like you lived in a small town with all those down home values everyone's always saying NYers don't have, and also feel like you were in an up and coming area. These songs are for when you want to escape the latter and reflect on the simpler things.

Jack and Diane - John Melloncamp: Isn't this the American dream?

Fortunate Son - Creedence Clearwater Revival: Another song that isn't about how great things are going for people. It's about everyone else.

American Girl - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers: Of course now I'm guilty of exactly what I pointed out with "Born in the U.S.A.". This song is really about a freshman girl who killed herself in Florida... but, all of that gets over looked because of the title and this scene from Scrubs where my crush on Dr. Elliot Reid/Sarah Chalke hit new heights.


American Woman - The Guess Who/Lenny Kravitz: The original Guess Who version is awesome, but they're Canadian so I'm not sure I can include them here. I love the guitar riffs that Lenny Kravitz added in his cover. Either way, it's a great song saluting one of this country's greatest natural resources.

Surfin' U.S.A. - The Beach Boys: Just a light hearted, fun, song about having fun in America.

Keep on rockin' in the Free World - Neil Young: I'm not sure how to describe it. It's socially conscious, depressing and sad if you think about it "there's one more kid who'll never go to school, never get to fall in love, never get to be cool", but I've always taken the chorus to be hopeful. Maybe that's the wrong way to look at it, with all of the world's problems that rock is the way to go, but to me it makes sense.

America, Fuck Yeah! - Matt Parker and Trey Stone (?): It has to be on the list for a simple reason - it's the core of patriotism. Everyone who loves America, someplace deep inside holds onto something about this country that makes them excited, makes them happy, that gives them a reason to stand up and cheer and scream "FUCK YEAH!" whether it's baseball, hot dogs, apple pie, Starbuck, internet porn or whatever.

The Star Spangled Banner - Jimi Hendrix/Whitney Houston/Marvin Gaye/an anonymous youngster from your hometown: We have a great national anthem. Watch an Olympic event that we suck and listen when someone else's flag gets raised. There's always something off about someone else's anthem. Hendrix made ours rock harder than anyone else's could ever dream. If it wasn't our national anthem and you heard it, you'd wonder where he came up with those great licks. Whitney sang with pitch perfect precision to give it timelessness. Marvin gave it soul and had everyone grooving along. And everytime you see a child step up to the mic and blow you away, they add their innocence to it. Not bad for a song a guy wrote on a boat almost 200 years ago.

Deadliest Warrior

I just watched back to back episodes of this show on Spike - what an awesome show.

Episode 1 - Mafia vs. Yakuza
So the show starts out with experts for each side explaining and demonstrating the weapons that their "clients" would/did use in battle. For the Mafia they displayed the Tommy Gun, Molotov cocktail, baseball bat, sawed-off double-barrel shotgun, and the ice pick. Basically your standard fair from the Godfather and any other classic mob movie you've seen. The Yakuza weapons are things I'm a bit less familiar with: a semi-automatic machine gun, ceramic grenade, nunchunks, walther pistol and sais (Raphael style).
The Mafia's weapons typically did a lot more damage than what the Yakuza were using, which is why in 1,000 simulated "squad based battles" the Mafia won over 58%.
Now I'm Italian and I respect the mob, but I've also seen enough martial arts movies to know that 1 on 1 Yakuza are probably more skilled fighters. My problem with the simulation is that I don't think it took into account what happens when there are no weapons, present or in a hand-to-hand fight. Anyway, despite my objection the point is - THE MOB WINS!!

Episode 2 - Green Berets vs. Spetsnaz
This takes me back to my young days growing up in the 80s, taught that the Soviets were just like us, except evil. It's what started my lifelong crushing on cold war cuties, the belief that they were as deadly as they were beautiful, and they would seduce and kill me. What can I say, I watched a lot of James Bond, and cheaper knock-offs, when I was a kid. Okay snap back to reality. They lined up each special forces equipment and demonstrated their awesome killing precision. I don't remember many of the weapons, especially on the Green Berets side because they had a lot of numbers. I do remember the Spetsnaz used the Draganov sniper rifle, which I learned about last season on Burn Notice (possibly the best show on TV), however it wasn't as accurate as the U.S. sniper rifle which put a bullet between the eyes of 3 targets in under 5 seconds. The other memorable weapon, was Spetsnaz's ballastic knife. It's a combat knife, used for slashing, stabbing and usual knife type attacking. However, it's also spring loaded and you can shoot the knife at a measured 39 miles per hour, with good accuracy. HOLY SHIT!!
In the end the squad based simulations were very close and did not pass statistical significance (the difference was 7 kills), but Spetsnaz won.
If you had seen the former Spetsnaz guys they had on, you'd be afraid. Green Berets are badass, but these guys are badass, don't smile and wear mirrored sunglasses. They look the part of scary ass guys who will kill you and not worry about international reaction to their foreign policy.
Congratulations Deadliest Warrior, you've rekindled my fear of the Soviet War Machine; and by extension, made Eastern European (Czech, Polish, Ukrainian and Russian) women even more attractive.

An Open Letter to Eliza Dushku

(Originally written January 2006)

Dear Ms. Dushku,

I just wanted to congratulate you on a wonderful performance last Saturday night in Dog Sees God: Confessions of a Teenage Blockhead, I thoroughly enjoyed the show. Your portrayal of a grown up Lucy from the Peanuts gang was dead on. Personally, I believe that there is no one better in the world equipped to play the part than the badass bitch from Buffy, Faith. I want you to know that I wish you the best and hope that the show continues to be a giant success. I want you to be happy and that's what makes this so hard....

We've had some great times together you and I all the way back to when we first met (True Lies). There have been laughs (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back) and there have been tears (Tru Calling - don't worry, I blame the writers). You've gotten me through some challenging points in my life (Bye Bye Love) and always known how to cheer me up (Bring It On).

Saturday night I realized something. As I was standing on the sidewalk outside the theater, no more than 5 feet away from you after the show, my friends incessantly telling me I should go over and talk to you, you looking beautiful shining under the lights of New York City, I realized something.

Darling, it’s not you – it’s me.

It’s my own precept, my own single-mindedness that would force me into a transgression. You cannot help being a Red Sox fan, you were born in Boston, it’s who you are and it’s who I want you to be. This is for the best - for both of us. We’ll always have New York.

Arrivederci il tesoro, può voi dare dei calci sempre all'asino con la tolleranza e la bellezza.

Il vostro amore,

~Robert

(When I originally wrote this post I used Babel Fish to translate something really sweet and romantic into Italian. Now, if you use anything to translate it back to English it's a bunch of nonsense. I wish I could remember what it was supposed to say. All I remember is that it was good, like one tear slowly rolling down the cheek good.)