Newly thought thoughts on language

I'm not a linguist, nor a stickler for grammar, although I do abhor poorly spelled and confusing emails, text messages and IMs. It's no secret that one of the horrible side-effects of the internet and the constantly in-touch environment it's created is the assault on language. From IM speak, the DrEaDeD 14 year old girl misuse of capitalization and so much more, it's clear that whether or not people are actually dumber on the whole than they used to be, they sound it.
I'll be honest, and you can call it snobbish or elitist if you like, but when I get a piece of electronic communication, either text or email or IM, and it has spelling mistakes and bad grammar, I see it as a negative reflection on the person. Now maybe that was beaten into me by Google, since as "customer support" i.e. non-outsourced tech support over email, we were held to very high standards of grammar, but I'd like to think that my position was already developing organically without their glossaries and style guides. That said, I do owe them thanks for their monitoring and reviewing to ensure the quality of my work.
I recently spent some time in London, a land known for it's accents, "proper-ness" and great writing. Shakespeare, Neil Gaiman, Alan Moore, Agatha Christie, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and more (Dickens intentionally left out because of "Great Expectations"). While studying there with friends, neither art director nor writer alike could resist the urge to examine our own speech patterns, the words we choose, the flow and pace of our sentences and the style in which it is all presented in. It was truly a revelation to hear things said in a way that makes them sound more important and wondrous than they really are. It's a great power to be able to engage someone in the mundane, simply with the way you frame it.

When it comes down to it, that's why I decided to become a writer.

Last night I was watching an old black and white movie, "The Dead of Night" with my mother on Turner Classic Movies. It was remarkable to listen to the dialogue, both narrative to move the plot along as well as the more interesting aspects such as compliments, insults and jokes. I found it inspiring and fascinating and hope to incorporate some phrases or at the very least some of the flow of the dialogue into both my own writing as well as my everyday speech because, truthfully, it just sounds better, classier and has a very attractive style to it.

It beats the hell out of OMG! Did u c the latest Jersey Shore? It'd def be cool to have someone like Snooki as my bff.

IcelandAir good, Iceland not so much

On my way back from London I once again flew IcelandAir, to keep costs low. The airline is fantastic, providing great entertainment options and plenty of legroom. The in-flight entertainment system features about 10 movies which you can select to start at your own convenience, as well as several TV shows. I like this a lot better than the DirectTV option in terms of convenience, although, of course it does mean less variety. Fortunately for me both times I've flown on IcelandAir the selection has been great. On my flight from Heathrow to Keflavik International, I watched the Alvin and the Chipmunks sequel (I'm not proud of it, but I was curious to see what songs they would use/the treatment of the Chipettes, etc. since I was a fan of the cartoon back in the day) and the pilot episode of Glee (because I wanted to see what all the hype was about). That basically kept me occupied during the 3 hour flight.

Then I landed in Iceland, at Keflavik International airport, which, the in-flight entertainment system informed me won best airport in Europe in 2008. Just like the claim that Portland's airport made about winning such an award, I had to wonder, what jackass is voting in this competition? The airport absolutely sucks.
You exit the gate and immediately are forced onto line for passport inspection. Yeah that's normal, except you'd expect a little bit more room to maneuver. You litterally exit the gate and are on the line. There are 4 or 5 other gates with passengers trying to board a plane and it gets crammed and crowded pretty quickly. Once you make it through that checkpoint you have about zero options other than to proceed through another passport checkpoint in order to get your connecting flight gate. Great. Through that and there was a pair of non-police or customs officials with a little table forcing us to show our passports for inspection again - 10 seconds after the Icelandic border patrol just checked it! Okay that was annoying, but I powered on... to the 1 eatery I had access to in the entire airport. It's not a restaurant, it's not a fast food counter, it's 2 commercial refigerators with drinks, a case with a couple of shrink wrapped pre-made sandwiches and a small rotating warming tray with some horrible looking dish that was claimed to be pizza. After a fairly expensive and mostly inedible meal I lined up at the gate where my passport and boarding pass were checked again. However this time we couldn't get to the gate, it was up an escalator that was blocked off. So, the entire flight was then cramped into a small room next to an escalator that was roped off. Once it was opened it was a free-for-all to get on the plane. No organization or anything.

Back on the plane and I tuned in to watch 'Date Night' the Tina Fey and Steve Carrell movie. It was alright. I planned on watching 'Little Miss Sunshine', and then wrapping up with 'Die Hard' (great movie for a plane ride. Die Hard 2 of course, is a horrible choice) but exhaustion caught up so I took a nap. I woke up and programmed a 40 song playlist featuring the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix, Queen and Eric Clapton which, with a few sporadic naps, got me safely to JFK. Flashed my passport a few times, explained I was studying abroad and I was back in the US of A, and it was good to be home.

The hour and a half of traffic to get over the Whitestone Bridge however, was not.

The long road home

It started the other night, when we all hugged Jess goodbye before heading into another bar. She was the first of the 5 to go.

We made it through the weekend and then this morning with one last "Bob Hug" we said goodbye to Julie.

And then there were 3.

I'm leaving Saturday morning, on my way back to the U.S. Back to N.Y. Back to the familiarity of the doctor's office.

They'll be in San Francisco and Stockholm. I'll be at home.

For 3 months we've been about as close as family. We've lived and worked together and had good times and some times that were slightly less fun, thanks to health and just the random issues that pop up in life.
Through it all though we made our way with smiles on our faces and some pretty damn fine advertising for our books.

It was the best of times, it was the greatest of times. It was our tale of this city.

Don't Stop Me Now

Before I came over to England I developed a theory. Well really it wasn't a theory just something I really hoped was true. What was it that I came up with?

"Don't stop me now" by Queen is to England what "Livin' on a prayer" by Bon Jovi is to NY/NJ.

I wanted this to be true so badly. Based on the classic scene in Shaun of the Dead, and that great wedding video that some couple in England had done featuring the song, I thought this crazy hope/theory of mine had a chance.

Now the first instance where I experienced the song, in England, with a large crowd around, was when I saw the musical, We Will Rock You. People were excited but it was hard to tell if it was purely based on the song because the whole musical is great (as is Queen's catalog). But that's not what I was looking for.

Then, this past Saturday night we were in a lounge/club/bar in Hoxton Square. At the beginning the place didn't seem like much, but then the girls decided to move the group into the room with the dance floor. The dj there was playing some great 80s/90s pop and hip hop and there was no way to resist dancing.

So after a few (classic) songs I was really pumped. And then it happened...I heard the first few notes.

I immediately froze and looked around. The dance floor was still packed and it was now time to test my theory. Would the Brits react as I had thought/hopped?

The answer came quickly and was rather anticlimactic. Everyone immediately started singing along, jumping around and dancing. And at the end of the song, everyone started swaying and singing the "la la laas".

It was great, not only to be validated but also (as I mentioned) because the song is great and since my answer came so quickly and obviously, I was able to join in on the fun.

That song is definitely going on the wedding playlist.

Country Roads: Part 6 - On the way to Uncle's

Country Roads Part 6 - On the way to Lou's

Okay where I was I? Oh yea, Sikeston, Missouri in a really nice suite. So I did the usual, woke up, had breakfast, showered and jumped back in the car. Although this day was unlike all of the others, today was the day that I was going to make it to Memphis, Tennesse and get some of Uncle Lou's Fried chicken (as seen on the Food Network). It's not much of an exaggeration to say that it was actually Uncle Lou's which inspired this whole trip across the country.

I had seen it on TV and wanted it. Then I thought to myself - "honestly, when the hell am I ever going to go to Memphis?" Well I made up a reason, to get back to NY from SF. Sure, it's not the most direct route, but like I said, otherwise when would I really ever go to Memphis?

So in the car I hit the push button start and was on my back onto the highway south. I will admit that I got a little nervous for a minute when I saw the sign welcoming me to Arkansas because I had completely missed the fact that my route would take me through R Kansas for about half an hour. Once I had successfully cleared one of the states I was pretty sure that I'd never go to, I was into Tennessee. I was excited. And hot, it was already in the mid-90s and we're not even at noon yet.

As the in car thermometer hit 102 the GPS guided me into the non-tourst part of Memphis where I found Uncle Lou's Famous Fried Chicken in small and somewhat suspicious looking strip mall.

I walked in and despite the fact that there was a Dallas Cowboys flag hanging for some sort of fundraiser or something, I felt right at home. I quickly looked over the menu and decided on the mixed 3 piece meal with Sweet Spicy Love (the mild variety) and a large version of Uncle Lous cool aid. I took a seat at one of the tables and about 10 minutes or so later the man himself, Uncle Lou, emerged from the kitchen with my order. The meal came with french fries and a honey biscuit, both of which were just alright, but the chicken. Oh the chicken. Yeah, it was incredible. Sweet, Spicy Love is the sauce that our sauces should aspire to be. After a great meal I bought a bottle of SSL to bring home to mom to make her KFC take out, awesome.

Back in the car and it's about 105 degrees now as I make towards Kentucky. A few flash rainstorms (my first precipitation of the trip) got the temperature down to a cool 95 degrees. The incredibly hot temperatures have since caused a problem with my memory and I don't really remember the rest of Tennessee. I did stop at a gas station/souvenoir stand to pick up some gifts for my mom and grandfather (he was station in Tennessee during the war and really loved it) but other than that, I don't remember anything else.

Inside of Kentucky I had to fill up at a gas station, I think someways past Frankfurt. I ran in to grab a bottle of water as the temp had gone back up to 97, and was utterly shocked at the incredibly beautiful girl working at the counter. I noticed her as I walked in and made my way to the cooler to grab a bottle of water. As I picked out a bottle I started trying to figure out what the hell she was doing there. She was beauitful so why would she be working in a gas station in the middle of nowhere Kentucky? In NY she would have at least had a photo casting call to model...uhm, something but in Kentucky she was rotting away at a gas station. I wished I didn't have a carload of crap so that I could offer to take her away from this boring life (and 97 degree heat) and bring her back with me to the big city.

I paid for my water and she asked if I needed anything else. My head finally caught up and I scrolled through possible responses about asking for her number, or to run away with me. Instead though, I declined her offer and got back into the car to once again wish I had said something different.

Drove the rest of the way to Lexington where I stayed at a Red Roof Inn. It was pretty pricey but like most nights, I was exhausted when I got there and wasn't going to bother trying to drive around for a better rate. So I unpacked, showered and hit the bed. I was pretty close now - in the Eastern time zone, so it wouldn't be long now.

The Container Store - where wallets go to lose weight

In preparation for my trip to London I headed to the Container Store on Market Street in San Francisco, after my sister informed me of a travel sale they were having. My plan was to pick up a few items - a couple of space bags (those vacuum type bags), a voltage converter and perhaps a pack-it cube to store some underwear type garments.

That was the plan at least.

When I walked in I was instantly bombarded with how much awesome stuff they had. Then to top it off they were having a demonstration on how to pack efficiently for your travels, starting in about 10 minutes, with a chance to win a $25 gift card. So I browsed aimlessly for a bit and then attended the session. It was only slightly informative, but it was nice to see the products in use in person. Unfortunately I did not win the gift card, which sucks because it really would have helped.

I started winding my way through the aisles, picking up small accessories, like a TSA travel lock, a collapsable drinking cup, a pair of small carabiners (to attach water bottles and other things to my laptop bag) 2 pairs of outlet converters, 2 packs of space bags (which contained 2 bags each), 2 pack-it cubes and the 20" pack-it folder, which is capable of holding up to 15 shirts/pairs of pants. Then there were all of the items I talked myself out of buying.

At the check out counter I held my breath as my total came up. It was something like $88. I was both horrified and relieved. I honestly could spend a few hundred dollars there.

Bless you container store, for you are wonderful.

Country Roads: Part 5 - Barbecue and Burgers

When we last left our hero he was laying down for a night's sleep in Lawrence, Kansas. I awoke the next morning ready to head back out on the road and finish another Agatha Christie murder mystery. First I grabbed some food from the continental breakfast. The bagel was horrible so I jumped into the shower and figured I'd munch on the fruit loops while I was on the road. After my shower I dressed and loaded up the car with no problems, except that I spilled the Fruit Loops in the parking lot. It was a little after 11 so breakfast at McDonald's was out of the question, but I figured I'd stop over for an orange juice and to borrow the Wi-Fi. Then back in the car I could just munch on another mini box of cereal I had brought with me.

I arrived at the Lawrence, KS McDonalds and my jaw dropped. Right there on the door was a sign - "Breakfast served until 11:30am EVERYDAY" (I added the caps). I was shocked, surprised and totally giddy as I probably scared the girl at the counter with my excitement that I could still get my regular breakfast. It was delicious. I mapped out my route and started driving towards my lunch spot - Oklahoma Joe's Barbecue in Kansas City.

As you would probably expect by now, the drive wasn't very exciting. The conclusion of "Murder in Mesopotamia" however was exciting.

After driving by the gas station that houses Oklahoma Joes I finally figured out where it was and was able to get a parking spot fairly close to the door, which was good since it was already 97 degrees. Now, I had looked up places in Kansas that Food Network had been to (specifically Triple D), but none of them were barbecue places. So I ran a Google search for the best barbecue in Kansas City. Oklahoma Joes was right at the top, and since it's inside of a gas station, I had to check it out.

So what did I order? The 2 meat combo plate - brisket and ribs which comes with 2 slices of buttered toast, a side of french fries and large styrofoam cup of Mountain Dew. I took my tray and found a counter stool by the window, facing out by my car. I immediately grabbed 2 sections of paper towel and was ready to dig in. From the beginning it had the makings of my best meal of the trip. I ate the brisket and while it was good I immediately regretted not having ordered the sausage instead. Oh well. Then I dug into the ribs. Yeah... Kansas City knows barbecue. The meat was perfect. Stays on the bone until it hits your mouth and then slides right off. Great flavor, great color and that's all you can ask for. I alternated rib and toast for a while, occasionally sipping on some Dew. When I finished, I was done. I began to worry about falling asleep at the wheel thanks to a food coma but figured that if I filled up the cup with some more Mountain Dew that could keep me awake until St. Louis.

On the way out I bought a bottle of their CowTown barbecue sauce to bring home to mom.

Back in the car and on the road, it's time for another mystery and some music. I was into Missouri now and really had no expectations until I hit St. Louis. And then I saw what I believed to be a mirage on the highway. I couldn't believe that I had seen what I thought I had seen. But if it was real, I couldn't let it pass by. I jumped off at the next exit to investigate. Had I been wrong and it was a mirage I would only lose about 5 minutes. If I was right I'd have a story to tell.

I pulled off at the exit for Wentzville, Missouri. It reminded me a bit of the Cortland Town Center in Mohegan Lake in terms of colors and structure for a strip mall. By now I had confirmed I was not seeing things and anticipation was building. It was only fitting that the Rolling Stones were playing as I pulled in to...

White Castle.

I ordered light, since I still had a few hundred miles to St. Louis and well, they don't call 'em Belly Bombers for nothing. So 2 burgers and an order of chicken rings. Of course I couldn't experience this alone, I sent texts to several people and called back to NY to my White Castle compatriot, Richie, who would appreciate this.

His first question, "any white people there?"
"They all are." I answered.

Not only that, but there was no bullet proof glass in front of the counter. It was a strange sight for me to see. But the food was still the food, so it was all good and I was back on the road.

As I was driving I realized this would probably be the best food day of the trip - the best McDonalds in the country, great barbecue and then White Castle. And I still hadn't eaten dinner yet.

I pulled into St. Louis and eagerly started looking for the Arch. I made the mistake of using the GPS again and all it could find was "St. Louis Art". Great, big help.

I eventually made my way over and found a parking lot to drop the car off while I did the tourist thing. First stop, of course, was the Mississippi River. I took some pictures, stuck my hand and acted like a real tourist. Then it was over to the arch. I didn't go inside for time and money constraints, but did stand in what I believe to be roughly the exact middle. Took some pictures, went over to Busch Stadium and took some more pictures, grabbed a burger at Hardees (specifically to use the restroom) and was then back in the car around 8 or so as the sun was going down.

Trying to make it as close to Memphis as I could, without running into my Arizona/Utah problem, when the GPS started reading "Low Battery", I had it find me a local hotel. Another Best Western in Sikeston, Missouri, so I figured it'd be pretty cheap. I pulled in and asked for a room. $73.95. At this point I was pretty tired from all the heat, and wasn't sure if the GPS had enough juice to get me to another place, so I reluctantly said yes.

I got the key to my room and brought my first load of stuff in. I opened the door and looked to the left for a light switch, turned on the lights and expected to see a small bathroom off to the side. Instead I found what looked like a closet. I looked ahead and didn't see a bed, instead I saw a mini-fridge with microwave, a couch, coffee table and arm chair. I stepped in a little more and saw a TV and desk and another room. Inside of the other room was a king sized bed, dresser, another TV, 2 lamp tables and then a separate bathroom. I suddenly wasn't so pissed about the price for the night. I brought in the rest of my stuff and then took a refreshing shower before going to bed.

Sikeston, Missouri - Southern Hospitality starts here. That's what the brochures say, and I'm inclined to agree.

Country Roads: Part 4 - The Bobo's Bungle

I had made sure to set my alarm to wake up in time to catch the tail end of the complimentary continental breakfast in the hotel. I wasn't expecting much, and it didn't disappoint. I grabbed an apple danish, a mini muffin and a bowl of fruit loops and headed back up to my room to shower and plan the next stage of the trip.

I chowed down, input my plans into Google maps and headed for the shower. When I dried off I realized I had forgotten all about the Fruit Loops and had to flush them for they had become too soggy to salvage. I gazed at the map and it's simplistic directions.

Get on I-70E
Arrive Kansas City (6xx miles)

I thought about how I didn't really want to drive 600 miles through Kansas and formulated some alternate plans, namely stopping for the night in either Topeka or Lawrence which were on the way. I was already planning on briefly stopping in Topeka to chow down at another Diners, Drive-Ins and Dive's joint - Bobo's Drive In.
I'll spare you the details of the drive, needless to say that it was far less eventful than the previous day. After leaving Colorado I reached Kansas... and that's all I have to say about that.

Fortunately, I had supplemented my iPods music catalog with a collection of audiobooks, and with nothing but flat lands and hundreds of miles between me and my destination, now seemed like the most opportune time to give them a whirl. I set the cruise control at a brisk 72mph and selected an Agatha Christie mystery to engage my mind and counteract awesome boringness that is Kansas.

I was at first caught off guard that my audiobook wasn't really an audiobook (where someone reads the book to you) but rather a BBC radio production of the book. SCORE! "We present John Moffet as Hercule Poirot, in Agatha Christie's 'Appointment with Death'".

I honestly couldn't tell you anything about my journey for the next hour or so because I was so caught up in the story. Fantastic production. When it ended I pulled over for some food. I believe it was another Burger King (gotta love those gift cards). After a quick meal, I got gas and popped in another mystery, "Murder in the Clouds".

Those stories, and later some music got me through most of Kansas.

I arrived in Topeka shortly after 10pm and set the GPS for Bobo's Drive-In. I got there too late. They close at 8pm.

8pm! In the summer! In Topeka, Kansas - where, I could plainly see, there wasn't anything else going on.

I was dejected. But I made the best of it, jumped out of the car and recorded my trip on my Flip so that it would forever be part of the video record that I was there, even if I wasn't able to eat there.

As I headed back towards the highway I was a bit hungry so I had the GPS tell me where I could find some other fast food options. Suddenly, I saw one that we don't have on the East Coast, and, to make things better, Marc Summers (yes, former host of Double Dare), had mentioned on the Food Network Show, "The Best Thing I Ever Ate" - Steak N' Shake.
I pulled up hoping they'd still be open. My fears were quickly put to ease as the sign read they close at 3am and have malts and shake happy hours from 2-4 (am and pm, eat that Sonic). I went inside to find a quasi-fast food joint, retrofitted to a '50s diner/soda shop motif. The waitress was young and nice and I asked her to excuse my wide-eyedness having never been there before as I looked over the menu.

4 meals for under $4 you say. And one of them is a triple steak burger with fries? Unheard of. Yes I'll have that. And to drink... hmm, double fudge shake sounds good. Yeah, let's go with that.
It was a delicious meal.

Afterwards, I hopped back into the car and headed towards Lawrence, home of the University of Kansas Jayhawks. Also known as, most hated college basketball team #2. (Seriously, it's the one title I'll gladly give Duke every year).

After crossing my first toll road of the trip ($1 to go about 4 exits), I made my way to the EconoLodge I had looked up earlier on Expedia - see, I'm learning. Well to my surprise the guy at the desk actually charged me $5 less than the Expedia rate I was planing on. Not one to argue I took my room card, and pulled the car around.

The room was your standard cheap for the night motel, but comfortable non-the-less. It lacked some of the outrageous amenities of the motel in Denver, but that was to be expected. I had my free wi-fi, plenty of outlets to charge my things and a comfortable bed. What was more, was that I was 4/5ths of the way through another Agatha Christie mystery, "Murder in Mesopotamia" and couldn't wait to get back on the road the next day to hear the conclusion.

I also decided that I would obtain more of these BBC productions once I returned home, and gather mother and sister around the iPod to listen to the stories as we ate dinner some evening. In old-timey Americana fashion. I thought the idea fit me well, merging the modern with the classic, as is so often my way.

And so with that thought I laid my head down to rest on yet another bed, in yet another state.

Country Roads: Part 3 - Highway to Heaven

I awoke on Day 3 around 6am as the sun began to shine through the windshield. I thought about repositioning myself so that the light wasn't in my eyes and trying to sleep a little more, but figured that it wouldn't be long before the hotel staff were awake and discovered me. And the last thing I wanted was to pay for a hotel room I didn't get to sleep in.

So I turned on the car and continued my journey. I needed gas so I made an almost immediate stop at the first place I saw. Bought a 24oz Lemon-Lime Gatorade for breakfast, took most of my medication (all of the important ones) and chowed down on a mini box of Fruit Loops I had packed for just such an emergency. Then I headed out.

I had crossed into Utah under the cover of night so I didn't really see much of it until the next day. The mountains were beautiful. I stopped at a few "scenic turnoffs" to snap some pictures. Then I would jump back in the car and continue to press onward.

Around the town of MOAB, Utah I passed by a McDonalds and needing to pee decided this was a good place to stop. Besides, since I had been driving since 6am I definitely deserved a proper breakfast. As I walked in I noticed the "Free Wi-Fi" sign on the door and after using the lavy (practicing for London), I ran back to my car and got my laptop.

I ordered the usual, 2 sausage biscuits and a medium OJ, and sat down to enjoy and map out my route for the day. I was heading towards Denver. And after the incident the night before, I was more vigilant in looking up places to stay. I got addresses and phone numbers in case the GPS crapped out on me before I got someone, I could call and ask for directions. I also updated my fledgling fantasy baseball teams, responded to some emails and updated my Facebook status. Honestly I could work out of a McDonalds now a days.

I got back in the car, directions in hand, breakfast in belly and continued my tour of Utah. I passed by a small shop offering ATV and Dirt Bike tours and turned around to drive by it 3 more times. I was seriously considering it, as it is on my life's to do list. However, I was exhausted. I realized that it wouldn't be as fun or safe in my current condition. So I continued towards I-70. Once I got on, I pulled over at the first gas station, circled around back and grabbed myself a trucker nap.

I woke up an hour or so later as the sun was now high over head and it was starting to heat up in the desert. I went inside the convenience mart, where I picked up some water and an enticing looking ice cream treat - Snickers Brownie Bar. It was damn good. I got back in the car and kept driving.

A little later on I pulled off again to grab another nap. This time it was at a Kum and Go convenience store. I mention the name only because this is obviously the work of a copywriter. Someone decided that they absolutely had to use a "U" instead of the "O "and "E". Then they realized it may be offensive and unappetizing to, well just about everyone, so they kicked out the "C" and replaced it with a "K" to add a coolness factor to it. I laughed a lot at that.

Back in the car and the day is really long. Stopped for gas and grabbed a quick bite at a Wendy's. But the real hero was the Frizzle.

It's like a slurpee. Whatever this chain of stores' brand. There were two options, "Rock n' Roll" which looked to be a combination of berries and "Dragon Fruit" which seemed to have grapes and a dragonfruit. I made my decision in the only logical way possible. Which one was purpler, because purple-ness is next to godliness. The Dragonfruit won out.

It was incredibly delicious.

Back on the road and I was into Colorado now. I had passed through maybe 2 counties and had seen the rockies (Rich, they really are big. John Denver wasn't lying) in the distance. Now I was driving on what I will forever call the "Highway to Heaven".

This has to be the most beautiful stretch of road in the country. You're driving in between the mountains. The Colorado River is on your side. East and West traffic are separated. There are tunnels through the mountains. The speed limit is 75mph. There's nothing about it that isn't perfect.

Remember in the end of Gladiator, when Russell Crowe is dying and he sees himself walking through the golden fields on the way to his family? I'd like this stretch of road to be what I see when I reach that moment. It's truely remarkable.

So after all that I made it to Denver. I passed by Invesco Field and stopped at a Burger King which had Wi-Fi (to change it up, plus I had a gift card) and got directions to a nearby motel. I called to check availability this time and the woman at the counter told me not to worry. So I inputted the coordinates into Google Maps and was off.

20 minutes later I was back at Burger King. Since my battery in my laptop was dying I didn't pay attention to my starting location, which was wrong, and therefore gave me directions I could never follow. I plugged in after finding an available outlet and re-tried to get directions.

Driving down the road I saw the hotel to my right. Then a sign saying the bridge was out. I went down the next turn and tried to find my way about 700 feet over to get to the hotel. Couldn't do it. Got frustrated and went to look for another way there. Came back again and this time noticed the orange Detour signs. Followed them and got to the hotel.

$39.99 for the night.

I wasn't expecting much. But they had a laundry room so I decided to wash all of the dirty laundry I was bringing with me (since it was the only bag of clothes I could reach and had worn the same shirt and shorts for the past 2 days). When I got to my room I was amazed.

A fridge. Not the mini kind, the same size as my apartment in Binghamton all those years ago.
A microwave.
A sink (kitchen).
A stove.
Plenty of outlets.
A king sized bed.
Plus free Wi-Fi

It was great. I ran down and put my laundry in. Brought up some drinks from the cooler and put them in the fridge. Started charging everything. When the clothes were done I got in the shower, did some internet work and then, around 1 or 2 in the morning, finally went to bed.

Country Roads: Part 2 - He's a Highway Child/Gimme Gimme Shelter

After an exciting, and grueling first day I decided to take advantage of the noon check-out time for my hotel in Vegas.

I woke up around 20 after 10 in order to catch the end of breakfast in the hotel restaurant - it wasn't free but $3.50 a short stack of pancakes isn't bad. Of course when you throw on the apple juice and the side of bacon it turned into an $8 breakfast, but whatever, I need to eat.

After breakfast I went back to my room, showered, and packed up my things. My route was already planned out, I'm going to the Grand Canyon. But first, a stop for lunch at a place featured on Diner's, Drive-Ins, and Dives, "The 4 Kegs".

Guy Fieri was actually a regular customer there when he went to UNLV. I threw the coordinates into the GPS and despite the 95 degree heat, made it. I grabbed a booth next to a sort of wall of fame, where Guy had signed some pictures. I also had a good view of 2 TVs - one showing the Italy World Cup match, and the other college baseball, but with the ESPN bottom line. After weighing my options (something I really have to do when eating out), I decided to throw caution into the wind and order one of the 4 Kegs strombolis. I got the meatball one. I hoped I wouldn't regret subjecting my stomach to it.

It came and looked great. I bit into it and it was gr... friggin hot! I was eventually able to get some in my mouth and was very happy I ordered it. The crust was light and crisp and the meatballs were good. As I was eating Italy tied their match at 1 and earned a draw. After powering through half of the stromboli I was ready to depart.

Back in the car and on to the Grand Canyon! Except that I was stuck in traffic before the Hoover Dam for an hour, maybe longer as there's only 1 lane to go through the security check. To kill some time I called my mom to check in and tell her everything was good - minus the traffic and the heat.

After a long time I finally got past security and got to drive on the Hoover Dam into Arizona. From there it was pretty smooth sailing until I was stopped again on my way into Grand Canyon National Park. Not as much of an inconvenience, just wondered why the line I was on moving about 6 times slower than the other one. Then I saw the $25 access charge and cursed TJ in my head again. Regardless, I got into the park as the sun was getting ready to set. I parked by the visitor's center, grabbed my camera and headed over to the South Rim.

I took a bunch of pictures and tried to get the sunset-ting effect but the SLR kept making things brighter. So I played a little with the aperture and shutter speed, although I'm not sure I made anything better. I silently wished Manolo was around so I could ask him how to take the picture I wanted. Oh well. I suppose I should get a book of digital photography basics, or ask Julie to explain and help me learn, when I see her in London. Her photos are great and I'm not a complete moron, so she should be able to teach me.

Anyway, I got back in the car as the sun had nearly gone down, and started driving out the other side of the park. It was getting darker and darker and I began to plan where to spend the night. I also wanted to make sure that I got enough mileage in, so that I didn't set myself back on the time I predicted for the trip.

I kept driving and looking at the signs for upcoming towns. I eventually settled on Kayenta, Arizona and had the GPS navigate me to a Hampton Inn. I got out of the car and went to the front door.

Locked.
That's strange.

Oh well, there's a Holiday Inn on the otherside of the street and a little ways up. I went in and asked for a room - they were booked. The woman told me that she was pretty sure that the Hampton Inn (that I had come from) and the Best Western down the street were also fully booked. Now if I was smart I would have asked what the hell was going on that all the hotels were booked, but it was late, I was tired and now needed to drive further.

With the GPS as my guide I kept searching for a place to spend the night. By now we're approaching 1 in the morning.

Funny thing, Arizona isn't really dense with hotels so you have to drive a fairly long ways. I went to 3 or 4 more hotels, many closed for the night where I'd have to call to get someone to come back to the hotel. Plus it seemed like $99 for the night was the best deal.

So after visiting hotel number 5 or 6 since finding out that I had no place to stay, I decided to (smartly) rough it. I pulled around back of a nice looking hotel, found an empty parking space, turned the car off, set my cell phone alarm and put my hat over my eyes to get some sleep because it was now after 2am.

It wasn't the most comfortable rest and I only got a few hours (maybe 3), but now I have this story.

Country Roads: Part 1B - Yosemite Sam's a one arm bandit

Car is loaded up and all I need to do is pay to get out of the garage. It's $27 for 24 hours, I had the car parked there 30 or so, and it's $27 for a lost ticket. I've got a brilliant idea - I'll just tell the guy I lost my ticket.

Apparently, I'm not the only genius to have this idea. He tells me to pull the car up to the gate because he has to check the license. Great, I'm gonna get busted before the trip starts and all I wanted to do was save a few bucks for a slurpee on the road. Hey I don't know, maybe he couldn't find it or karma bailed me out but he let me go with a $27 payment and didn't say anything to indicate I had done something "naughty". Now that's a good sign for the trip.

Of course because I'm cliche I turned on "Highway to Hell" as I began the trip. Drove over the Bay Bridge for the first time, was surprised that they don't charge for it, figured that was another good sign and headed out towards Yosemite National Park.

I inputted "Yosemite National Park" into my GPS (a Garmin Nuvi - just so you know) and got the directions. They differed a bit from what I had copied down on Google Maps, but then again Yosemite is pretty big and just figured this was taking me to a different part of the park. Besides, it's easier to look at the little screen on the dash than it is to fumble through a notepad and read stuff.

So yeah. The GPS took me to a park on Yosemite Ave, in a residential section of Merced, CA. I tried several combinations, menus, etc. to find the big fucking NATIONAL PARK listing, but it doesn't appear to exist in the Garmin world. Fucking GPS.

It's a good thing I've hated it just about since I bought it, don't trust it, and had the written instructions, which I followed. Amazing that GPS systems cost money, Google Maps is free and only 1 of them knows how to get to one of the largest national parks in the United States.

When the GPS tapped out and read "Low Battery" after 3 hours or so, I gladly turned it off.

Got to Yosemite and was shocked that you have to pay to get in. Not only that, but it's $20. Silently cursed T.J. in my head. Got into the park and didn't really know what to look for/do - other than I'd be exiting the other side. Sort of got lost, but more like didn't really take the most efficient route, but saw some cool waterfalls and took some (hopefully) good pictures*. Also encountered one of the nastiest and smelliest restrooms/outhouses in the world. Unfortunately when you've got to pee, you've got to pee. That's why there's pocket sized hand sanitizer.

So after I had my fill of beautiful natural scenery (and forgiven T.J. in my head) I started to make my way to the other end of the park. Here's the problem. The speed limit is like 30mph (which makes sense), except that when you chart your course on Google Maps it estimates time/distance combos at around 60mph. So yeah... it was a lot later than I planned on when I got out of Yosemite.

Not a problem though, I just won't drive all the way to Vegas. I'll stop somewhere after I get my 577 miles in. (That's the number per day that I calculated to do my original route in 7 days). Besides, it's almost 10:30pm and I started driving at 10:30am.

Now here's the fun part.

After I passed by a small village with places to sleep at 540 miles or so, I was all set to spend the night in the next area listed on the road signs. Except, it was just a few gas stations.

Okay, I'll stay at the next one.

No lodging.

The next one? Gas station.

So now I'm looking at the upcoming areas signs posted on the road, it's nearly midnight, and there's just one option left.

You guessed it, Vegas.

In a way, I was sort of happy. I'd be doing an all day drive to get to Vegas, at night, and come barreling down onto the strip in all it's glory. Plus, since my original plan was to make it to Vegas on Day 1 (not a complicated feat other than getting slowed down in Yosemite by the low speed limit) - I knew of a cheap place to crash. Even had the address.

I hit the Vegas city limits and I'm looking at exit signs for Las Vegas Blvd. Can't find any. Okay, now we're having problems. Get off at one of the exits and try to find it. Not working. I momentarily thought about calling Mr. Scott back home (since he knows Vegas like I know the script to the movie "Clue") but 3am may be early even for him. So I made a desperate move. I tried to turn on my GPS.

To my surprise it worked and after some fiddling had the address entered. Of course it gave me 2 options, North Las Vegas Blvd, or South. I chose North. I followed it and didn't see the Howard Johnson. Problem. However, I did pass by a Best Western, so I back tracked it over there, crossed my fingers it wasn't more than $60 a night and went in.

$49.95 for the night. It's about 12:30-1 in the morning when I get to my room. I set everything to charge, crank the AC, plan a little of Day 2's route and get to sleep.

*A note about pictures from this trip - I'll add them at the end. I shot/shoot everything in RAW format on my SLR so will do some editing/correcting in Photoshop. (Read as: Manolo told me to do this, so I do it even though I have no idea what I'm doing).

Country Roads: Part 0

You could probably call this a prequel to my cross country adventure. I was planning on leaving today. I even scheduled 3 hours for packing on my Google Calendar.

However, it apparently takes something more like 6 hours and when you've got an 80 degree plus heat beating down on your pasty white ass, it takes even longer. So after much back and forth, constant rests and drinking a ton of water, I decided that it just wasn't worth it to kill myself and will leave tomorrow (Sunday, June 13th).

What's more though is that with all of the crap I crammed into the car, there's still so much I have to leave behind. Tomorrow I"m putting out a "Box o' Free Stuff" outside the apartment before I go. Things in it include: Guitar Hero controller (Gamespot wouldn't buy it), my 1969 Mets framed celebration print, my NY Giants rug - those last 2 I really wanted to take but I can't feasibly fit them anywhere, my Mike Piazza bobblehead, various Google schwag and my ultra comfortable bathrobe (I may be able to salvage that one).

But yeah, anyway it sucks to give up all of these things that I remember what occasion I got them for, from who and what they meant/mean to me. That's because I'm crazy and develop an instance emotional attachment to inanimate objects.

So anyway that's my story for today - not even going to get into the clusterfuck of subletting my room - going to bed now so I can wake up early and get breakfast (hopefully I'll be feeling better and able to eat) then throw some food and drink in the cooler and pack my laptop, maps and be on my way. I'm hoping to be on the road before 10:30am

First stop: Yosemite National Park

That reminds me, I should get directions.

We've come to the end of the road

I'm sitting here, in my room in San Francisco, while everyone else is out. I've been having abdominal pains for most of the day. My room is cluttered, yet without life and personality as most of my important belongings have long since been shipped back to NY or, in the case of my beloved big screen, sold earlier this evening.

Tomorrow figures to be a day of mostly packing, culminating in a trip down to Sunnyvale to pick up my car one last time. Park it overnight in a nearby lot and spent a good portion of the night packing it. If I'm feeling better I may break to have one last hurrah at one of the nearby bars, or randomly call people from school to see who is around and out. When that fails, I'll have a drink alone. Fitting.

As I was about to leave NY I wrote a lot about how I felt, the excitement of "starting" my life, reflecting back on those people who had made the most impact and wondering how I'd get on without them.

Nearly three years later has my life actually "started", or did it do that back in August 1982 and I've just been too caught up in looking for a big moment to realize it? Those same great friends who shaped me into the person that was able to come to California have all since changed. Marriage for many, new jobs for others and we haven't been as close. No visits since I moved. We've only seen each other when I made the effort to come home. That stings.

I spent a fair amount of energy and time ragging on California, comparing it unfavorably to New York and various other things that I could easily see coming across as hatred for the state or the city of California. Neither of which are true. While it is true that I can honestly say that I don't belong/fit here, I cannot diminish that it was this three year adventure that taught me that as well as many other undiscovered things about myself. For that I can be nothing other than grateful.

A big thank you to all, for this life changing experience. I'm finally up in the driver's seat of my own life rather than sitting in the back watching the trees pass by and occasionally asking for the radio to be turned up. Without further ado, the payoff to this post - my attempt at summarizing my time in California with the soundtrack of my life:

1 - California; Phantom Planet - it's happy, upbeat and like me was full of hope when I arrived
2 - California Love; Tupac and Dr. Dre - "well let me welcome everybody to the wild wild west", thank you very much. Nice to be here.
3 - Welcome to the Good Life; Kanye West - going to work for Google and riding high
4 - You Can't Always Get What You Want; The Rolling Stones - the gig at Google isn't what I thought it was going to be, I start to discover other abilities and interests
5 - Fat Lip; Sum 41 - "don't wanna fall in line, be another victim of your conformity" decided that I don't like the Google Kool-Aid. (Regular Kool-Aid however is delicious)
6 - Renegades of Funk; Rage Against the Machine - start the ConOps question wall and co-found the ConOps Fun Council. Outlet for creativity created, countdown started
7 - Gives You Hell; The All-American Rejects - part ways with Google
8 - Juicy; Notorious B.I.G. - complete 1st quarter at Miami Ad School and attend graduation. Mentally re-write this song to be my graduation speech
9 - Public Service Announcement; Jay-Z - win an award for White Castle work, start to come into my own at MAS
10 - New York State of Mind; Billy Joel - always in the back of my head as I continually find slight differences in perception and attitude on the West Coast that I really don't like. (If you're driving a Smart car or riding a Vespa you should be laughed at by everyone, not just me)
11 - Killing in the Name of; Rage Against the Machine - quarter away locations announced, mass competition to go to London. Only know one way to compete, kill 'em all, take no prisoners.
12 - London Calling; The Clash - I am as good as I say I am
13 - Country Roads; John Denver - decide that I have one chance left to drive cross country and this time I'm going to do it.
14 - Here I go Again; Whitesnake - "I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin." - Neo, the Matrix
15 - Good; Better than Ezra - Giving crap is something I do as a term of endearment. It was good living with you.
16 - End of the Road; Boyz II Men - where do you think I got the title from?
17 - Take another little piece of my heart in San Francisco; Janis Joplin/Tony Bennett mashup that I should create - It'll never be "home" but it was for a while. Maybe I'll be able to look back years from now as the place I got my start. The place I came into my own. Maybe it's just three years of bad pizza. Whatever it is, it's a part of me.

God Save the Queen, because I won't

Just about a month after posting this the word has finally come in...

I'M GOING TO LONDON next quarter! Yup, going to be working and studying at Iris in London. I found out last Tuesday so this is almost a week in the making (so you can guess what my schedule has been like since I found out) but all of that hard work for my Door site has paid off.

And to top it off, I'm going with a group of three very talented, easy to get along with friends from Miami Ad San Francisco. I'm really looking forward to it, or at least, I'm subdued-ly looking forward to it right now. I'll go full on crazy excited once I get my moving back to NY situation figured out.

Still though, pretty friggin pumped. So coming this summer, it'll be my blog - live from the U.K.!

London Calling...Sweet Home, Chicago

The school finally got the quarter away application live and online, and I've made my choices.

1 - London, because it's one of the world's great cities and the agency there is very good
2 - Chicago, another good agency and if I don't get London than the cost of living difference between Europe and Chicago can be put towards my next quarter
3 - Amsterdam, mostly because none of the other options were that appealing and I don't want to stay in SF

The application process ends on Monday and then after that it's who knows how long until I find out which greenhouse I've been accepted to. There are 8 openings in London (and just about my entire quarter has applied for it), 8 in Chicago and 14 in Amsterdam.

Obviously I'd love to get to go to London (but it would lose a lot if I was going with a bunch of people from my school). As a result, I'm really high on the idea of going to Chicago. I was excited when I thought (mistakenly) there was a greenhouse in Berlin and was pumped for "beer, sausages and berliners (donuts)" but then realized that Chicago has a big German constituent so if I get that, then I will get beer, sausages and donuts - not to mention the chance to go to Wrigley Field.

Anyway, nothing more to say until I know where I'll be this summer.

McRib Road Trip

It's been an exhausting day, let me tell you.

My alarm woke me up at 8am because I was silly ambitious enough to believe that I could take my medication, a shower, eat breakfast, pack, catch the bus and then catch the 9:15 train. At 8:20 I packed it in realizing that wasn't going to happen. Reset the alarm for quarter to 9 and tried again.

This time I was up, showered, packed and had my pop-tart as I was on my way to the bus. The bus dropped me off at the Caltrain station with about 15 minutes to spare so I figured that was enough time to grab a donut and hot chocolate for the almost 80 ride to Sunnyvale (on weekends all trains run local and with Oregon in town to play Stanford they added an extra stop. Oh joy). Anyway I got to Happy Donut and ordered. Unfortunately, there were a few other people and only 1 woman running the counter so it took a bit longer than expected - i.e. I bought my ticket for the 10:15 train about about 10:14 and jumped on seconds before it started to pull away from the station. Great beginning to the trip.

I managed to catch a minimal amount of zzzs on the train, maybe 20 minutes, after I had finished my donut and hot chocolate. They were good, not Dunkin Donuts good, but not something to complain about. When the train finally reached Sunnyvale I jumped off and began the mile walk to my old apartment. Okay fine, it's .9miles according to Google Maps but I have to change sides of the street so I round up. I was relieved when I made it to my car, one because she was still there in one piece and two because it meant that this trip was really ready to begin. I piled my gear in, selected the first CD and promptly headed to 7-11 to get some on the road nurishment. I was really looking forward to a bear claw but they didn't have any, so I grabbed a frosted apple danish and a Revive Vitamin Water. As I explain in the video, it was a bit too early for the Mountain Dew Big Gulp. I wound up barely drinking any of the Vitamin Water as the hot chocolate just sort of kept me full.

Anyway, after packing up the snacks I programed the GPS and hit the road. I reached California's famed Highway 101 at 12:27pm. The GPS told me that I would be riding it for about 247 miles and at the time I thought nothing of it. Unbeknownst to me, that at about 55 miles out, just past Gilroy, 101 is no longer a freeway and just a two lane road. Almost like the Taconic but without the familiarity I was baffled as to how fast I could go, so I just found some cars and kept up with them.

Then the farmland came. The cows, the crops, the John Deere tractors, all of it. Some of the hills and mountains in the distance were really nice, but oh my god was it boring as hell to drive though. This of course, went on for hours. At around 2:30pm I convinced myself to pull over and stretch/get some gas (I was running at half a tank). About 10 minutes and $31 later I was back on the road. Here's where it started to get fun. When I originally set out my GPS said my arrival time would be 4:40pm. Just before I took a break I had gotten it down to 4:32pm. When I jumped back in the car it was suddenly at 4:42pm and I wasn't happy. Still a two lane road, now with some trucks and stuff so speed is anything but constant. I'm probably about 70 miles from the exit I'm supposed to take off of 101 when my GPS informs me that it's low on battery. Just fucking great. I didn't need it to tell me to keep driving 200 miles and countdown for me, but now when I'm going to need actual directions you're going to crap out on me. Brilliant. I really think I bought into the hype of those things too much. I hate it. I think all of your problems can be solved with a paper map, a navigator or an internet capable phone that can display Google Maps.

I'm getting close to the turn-off and the scenery is incredible. I'm in Pismo Beach, I discover after checking a sign or two. Unfortunately it doesn't last for ever and we're back to farm country. Finally get to make the turn-off. Signs are telling me that Santa Barbara is only another 70 miles away - I can't wait. Then I notice that the next turn I need to make is to get onto 101 South (in about 20 miles). That's the exact road I just got off of. Again, California's highway system is retarded. Also, many fewer rest stops, and small road side conveniences than you'd notice. Jersey - 1, California - 0. So I'm heading towards 101 (again) when guess what? You know it. The GPS goes black. So I know the next direction is to get on 101 S and after that I guess aim the car at the water and try not to go through any walls? I manage to get a few quick glimpses as to the next direction before the battery totally dies. This of course requires me to re-turn on the GPS, wait for it to load, accept the warning not to type or input things while driving, and then hit the map button - while driving; 3 times. I manage to wind up on a road and see a sign for a visitors information booth. Bingo I can find information there.

Except that they're charging $3 for parking and I don't know where the hell I am. So I pass it up and start driving down, what I now know, is Castillo St, right near the harbor. It's really pretty and the sun is starting to set. Well I need to find State St to get my McRib or find a place to stay for the night. (Lesson learned, plan this part in advance for all future trips). I pass by a few streets, and see a bunch of small little motels, all with bright red "No Vacancy" signs. Okay, that's a problem I'll tackle later. I finally find State St and start counting the numbers, I"m looking for 1213. I'm at 26. Great. State St. is the main drag, like you see in all of those movies - typical California. The sides are littered with shops, and restaurants, there are pedestrian crossings every half block and stupid traffic lights. Traffic goes at a snails pace. Oh, and there's no streetside parking either. Despite all of that, I finally make it to the 1200 block and spot MckieDs on my left. At the corner I make a right and follow the signs for a parking garage. I park and grab my video camera, I'm gushing with excitement and the need to pee. I exit the parking lot, cross the street and enter. There are signs, signs saying "The McRib is back!" I'm so happy, it's not in vain. As is expected the guy in front of me takes way too long to order. I wrote a pretty funny short piece about that in high school but can't seem to find a backup copy anywhere. When I'm home I'll have to look for the original paper and re-type it, because it was good. Anyway, there's some funny commentary of me on the video whispering behind him how I will kill him if he doesn't hurry up.

When it's finally my turn I excitedly tell the girl "I want the McRib meal!" She asks if I want the large and for no reason I say "yes". I pay for the food and wait for my order number to be called. I get it and sit down, anxiously awaiting to see the treatment of the McRib. It's got it's own special box! It's big, not the little McRib Jr. they tried to pass off during one of the "McRib farewell tours" years back. This thing is big. I open the buns to check - onions, pickles and sauce. We're good. I close the sandwich back up and take a bite.

Delicious. Look, I know it's probably unreasonable to say that a single food item could be worth traveling 300 miles (when I travel 3,000 back to NY it's for several food items), but it sure seemed close. I loved every bite and the possibly two minutes it took to devour. I think I wiped my mouth twice or it would have been less. After enjoying both the meal and the afterglow I returned to the counter and asked what time they closed that night. 10pm was the answer. Great. I'm in good shape. I exited and looked to tackle my next obstacle. Uhm, I have nowhere to sleep. I started walking up State St. to see if I could find some more hotels, motels, Holiday Inns. With the GPS out of commission I was sorta left to hoofing it. I walked up past the 1800 block and found one place with vacancy. It wasn't much of anything and I had set a reservation price at around $50 when I left. When I saw how Santa Barbara was laid out I figured I'd have to raise it, especially being Saturday night, but still didn't want to over pay. The guy said it was $99 for the night. For that crappy place, I couldn't do it. So now I was a bit worried as I walked back to the lighted sections of the town.

Oh yeah, aside, since I was planning on taking pictures of Santa Barbara at sunset. By 6pm it was completely black, like midnight anywhere else. And the streets are pretty poorly lit so there's no pictures of anything. What a bummer.

So as I'm heading back realizing that all the signs I've previously seen said "No Vacancy", don't have a GPS or Internet connection to help me find new places, I'm sorta fucked. Then I decide to do the unthinkable. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I went back to the car and got my laptop and GPS and charger and headed to Starbucks. I waited 10 minutes or so for a table near an outlet to open up and began charging my GPS. Oh yeah, I ordered a small "Signature Hot Chocolate" for $2.95. They called it a "tall" when they gave it to me but the think was anything but. It also wasn't that good. The medium, actual medium, hot chocolate I got at Happy Donuts for $1.64 earlier that morning was far better. Fucking pretentious Starbucks assholes. Then there's the best part. Since when did Starbucks stop giving away free Internet? I'm sure it was a while ago and I didn't get the memo because I never got there, but now I really have no reason to ever again. So my laptop is useless and I'm waiting for my GPS to charge but that only helps if you pick a specific location it can get you there. I needed Google Maps.

I won't say Verizon to the rescue because I was able to use my phone inspite of them, but it was a saving grace. Note to self, upgrade to Android phone as soon as possible so that I can use the internet when I'm in a bind. Anyway, I wrote down the names of some hotels and played some Elite Beat Agents while waiting for the GPS to charge. Still couldn't beat the last level. GPS is charged, the crappy hot chocolate is done and I'm done laughing at everyone at Starbucks so I'm out.

Into the car I program the hotel. Holiday Inn Express sounds good. If I'm going to have to pay more than I wanted, I better get a name I trust. Of course the GPS tells me to go the wrong way on a way one street and then I somehow pass it, which then renders the GPS useless because if you pass the destination it thinks you, I have no idea what the fuck it thinks, but it doesn't show you how to get back there if you miss it. Helpful.

So driving around Santa Barbara is like driving around those little towns on the Jersey Shore. No lights, small signs and one ways going the way you don't want them to go. I wind up lost I think a town or two over. Great. Pick a new hotel so that the GPS is no longer useless. Days Inn. Should be affordable. After some fighting I convince the GPS that I can't drive through a gate onto a private road and we find away around. I reach the Days Inn to find no vacancy. But at least now I know how to get to Castillo, that main strip. I find a place with vacancy and park the car. But rather than go in, I head a few blocks up to show around. Pass another with vacancy to find a third. So I figure I'll work my way backwards. That third place has a 2 queen available for $149. And now I'm realizing I'm screwed again. Head back to place #2 which now suddenly has "No Vacancy". Great. Head back to where I left the car, still don't go in because I decide I'm going to play with fire. I head to State St. A few blocks up I come across a small hotel whose name I recognized from Google Maps. The guy tells me it's $69 a night plus tax. I walk out and head half way up the street to see if I see anything else. At this point it's around quarter after 9 and McDonalds closes at 10. I quickly dart back in and take the room. Then I run back to the car and drive to McDonalds. Stash it on a side street and make my order - 2 McRibs and a medium Sprite.

Side note - this McDonalds was really weird. Aside from having the McRib, all size drinks are $1 and Big Macs are $1.50.

Anyway, I collect my order and run back to the car. Hop in, pull a U-ie and head back to the hotel. Grab all my backs run up to the room and scarf two 2 more McRibs, both delicious. Now I'm exhausted, I've written this to be posted when I get back home and have an Internet connection and I'm going to call it a day/night.

Although I'm not really looking forward to the ride back. Oh well. All in all, I think this will be a great story.

My apology to the Gay Community

I don't like strip clubs. I'm not a fan of strippers. I have my reasons, but I'll just say that it's the lack of commitment to one value set or another - either you are or you aren't - that bothers me about the profession. Anyway, not important.

Many of my friends do not share my view, which is fine, and as most bachelor parties do, my friend's involved a trip to a strip club. Side Note: Even in Vegas, don't go to a strip club on a Sunday night. The B squad is in.

I'm not one to pull a Mike and flake out on my friends, so I planned to just suck it up for the night and go hang out with my friends. We got to the strip club, I don't know, around midnight maybe midnight-30 and it wasn't very full. We sit down not too far from the "stage" and are descended upon by 4 or 5 girls. Fortunately one was taking drink orders and I decided to keep the vodka flowing for the rest of the night. Additionally, I had something else going in my favor - my look. I wasn't the happy to be there guy, Scott had that taken care of - boom, girl goes to him. I wasn't the shy, nervous looking guy, poor Tim never had a minute alone - boom boom boom let me her ya say way oh, girl goes to him. I wasn't the "he's cute and if I wasn't a stripper and he wasn't paying to see me take my clothes off, I think I'd ask for his number" guy, Brandon's your man for that - boom girl goes to him, possibly questioning her career choice as she does.

That gave me a few minutes to hang out and talk to Scott's brother Graig and enjoy my drink. However, I knew that it was only a matter of time before I was no longer safe. Either a new shift would start, or one of the other parties would stop tipping well or I'd accidentally look like I was interested. I needed a long term plan.

Eventually the time came. She asked me to scoot over and I did, because my mommy raised me to be a gentleman, even to strippers and told me that she'd take good care of me tonight. I had this idea in the back of my head and decided to just go with it.

"Thanks, I really appreciate the attention...but I'm gay."

She pulled a 3 point turn and tried to pass it off like she was talking about Scott but after I told her he was doing alright for now she was gone.

And not a single stripper came and talked to me for the rest of the night. It was wonderful. I got to keep my eyes wandering when a decent looking girl passed by, and I got to enjoy drinking and talking with my friends.

My cover worked a little too well, in that I had to keep the lie up so during a conversation with some guys nearby I had to decline accepting an offer to get up close and friendly with a girl, due to my faux homosexuality, which resulted in the guy we were talking to commenting that if I "liked white guys" I should email him when I got back to San Francisco because he had some friends.

Needless to say, will not be emailing him.

But my idea worked out better than I had hoped and I actually had an enjoyable night. In typical fashion of course, my friend's presented me with an 'It's Okay to be Gay' card the following night at the Hard Rock Cafe after requesting The Village People's classic "YMCA". Gotta love friend's like that.

Sorry got a little sidetracked. Anyway, to the heart of the matter. I, honestly and do sincerely apologize to the gay and lesbian community for pretending to be such just to avoid prolonged contact with strippers. I mean no harm nor disrespect and it is my hope that you will accept my heartfelt apology... and also allow me to continue to pretend to be gay in these situations. As a token of thanks, I will continue to support musical theater, the right to gay marriage and will not judge the homosexual experimentation of college frat boys.

Thank you.

Bite

My friends and I took in a show while in Vegas - I'd say when in Rome but the show was at the Stratosphere, not Caesar's Palace so when in Seattle would be more like it, except that it would ruin the whole concept of the quote because when in Seattle buy an umbrella ella ella and drink coffee. Anyway, the show we went to see was called "Bite". It was billed as a rock n' roll inspired musical show about Vampires but I'm fairly certain that my friend Scott stopped after reading "Topless Revue" and decided that this is what we should see.

The topless aspect being nothing more than a gimmick, I'm sure many of my friends left the show rather unsatisfied or just flat out disappointed. Note: The usage of the phrase "flat out" was not meant to indicate that the performers were flat chested, it was merely a hilarious coincidence in my writing which I feel is better left and overtly explained rather than changed for clarity.

The show itself had a simple premise - Vampire Lord fell in love with a girl, she died or disappeared (didn't really understand how that worked but whatever) and he can't find her. So every night he parties with his coven of (topless) vampire girls and invites people to come join them, in the hopes that he'll find her some day, convert her (apparently mama vampire lord doesn't approve of shiksas) and make her his queen. Like I said - simple premise. The show was executed like Billy Joel's Broadway musical "Movin' Out", namely, in that there was no spoken dialogue, and the story was told through the music. Also to be interpreted as - at least we can hire good looking performers and not have to worry about whether or not they can actually act.

But the music was where this show shined - a classic rock setlist that included maybe tops 2 songs I didn't recognize. Here are some of the hits:

Welcome to the Jungle - cliched start but whatever
Sympathy for the Devil - the GNR cover
Girl You Really Got Me - Van Halen edition
Hot For Teacher
Cold As Ice
Hot Blooded
Rock and Roll Fantasy
Come Sail Away
Moondance
You Shook Me (All Night Long)
Living After Midnight - outro

And plenty more that I can't remember at this time but distinctly remember getting excited about and quietly singing along to. In addition to the rock awesome soundtrack you had some of the Vegas standards - dancing girls, two rings performers (you know, hang from a ring, sping around the ceiling, grab a partner and spin her too?) and a woman who did similiar tricks from some fabric hanging from the ceiling. I know that there are fancy artist terms for these things, but I have no idea what they are. Additionally, not all of the tracks were just pipped into the theater off of a great mix CD. Several were sung by a member of the cast including a great scene performing "Moondance" as the Vampire Lord tried to court his beloved. Imagine that. Of all the nights for us to show up at the show, he finally finds her when we were there. Amazing, wonder what the odds are on that.

So I enjoyed the show immensely, partially due to a curly haired brunette rock Vampire chick named Pain. What can I say - everyone's got a type.

Viva las wifi

Last weekend I headed out to Vegas for my friends Scott and Kristen's bachelor/bachelorrette party weekend. Obviously I am under strict rules and am unable to discuss much of what happened throughout the trip, however, there are some issues that are fair game.

Namely - how the hell can Las Vegas hotels not offer free wifi? They tried to charge $15 a day, just so I could connect to the internet and get my work done. Are you shitting me? If they are willing to comp food and rooms and other ammenities to people to get them to stay and gamble, who's the genius that thought asking for $15 to get the internet in your room was a solid way to endear yourself to guests?

A jackass, that's who.

I got free wifi in my hotel room at the Red Roof Inn up in Cortlandt, New York when I went for my sister's graduation. I could set my fantasy baseball lineups and even check out porn, all for free in a like $40 a night hotel room (of course for graduation weekend they were charging $100 a night but a pig in a dress is still a pig - or Sarah Palin, I don't remember how that joke goes.)

Can't we all just agree that nowadays wifi is like air - it's all around us and anyone who tries to charge you for it is a Spaceball?

A month on the road...

I'm back in California and woke up this morning in a combination of familiar and strange surroundings. I remembered some things and had completely forgotten others. I remembered where I left Scott and Kristen's wedding invitation, and the Congratulations card I was going to send my godson when I got back from New York but completely forgot about the Twix bar I had left in the cupboard or the piles of things I had left in my room in my haste to catch a flight back home.

Getting reacquainted with my surroundings today has had good moments - I rediscovered how great it is to watch TV in HD on a large flat screen, or how smooth Dani rides; and not so good moments - digging my way through a month's worth of mail, the difference between the stock of my fridge and my moms, not to mention planning for school, which starts on Monday, and the realization that I have a bunch of crap in my room/apartment that I have no idea how to get rid of.

Oh well. I'll remember what I was doing/going to do before I left for NY in a few days. Of course by that time I'll be on my way to Vegas. Eh, what are you gonna do.