McRib Road Trip

It's been an exhausting day, let me tell you.

My alarm woke me up at 8am because I was silly ambitious enough to believe that I could take my medication, a shower, eat breakfast, pack, catch the bus and then catch the 9:15 train. At 8:20 I packed it in realizing that wasn't going to happen. Reset the alarm for quarter to 9 and tried again.

This time I was up, showered, packed and had my pop-tart as I was on my way to the bus. The bus dropped me off at the Caltrain station with about 15 minutes to spare so I figured that was enough time to grab a donut and hot chocolate for the almost 80 ride to Sunnyvale (on weekends all trains run local and with Oregon in town to play Stanford they added an extra stop. Oh joy). Anyway I got to Happy Donut and ordered. Unfortunately, there were a few other people and only 1 woman running the counter so it took a bit longer than expected - i.e. I bought my ticket for the 10:15 train about about 10:14 and jumped on seconds before it started to pull away from the station. Great beginning to the trip.

I managed to catch a minimal amount of zzzs on the train, maybe 20 minutes, after I had finished my donut and hot chocolate. They were good, not Dunkin Donuts good, but not something to complain about. When the train finally reached Sunnyvale I jumped off and began the mile walk to my old apartment. Okay fine, it's .9miles according to Google Maps but I have to change sides of the street so I round up. I was relieved when I made it to my car, one because she was still there in one piece and two because it meant that this trip was really ready to begin. I piled my gear in, selected the first CD and promptly headed to 7-11 to get some on the road nurishment. I was really looking forward to a bear claw but they didn't have any, so I grabbed a frosted apple danish and a Revive Vitamin Water. As I explain in the video, it was a bit too early for the Mountain Dew Big Gulp. I wound up barely drinking any of the Vitamin Water as the hot chocolate just sort of kept me full.

Anyway, after packing up the snacks I programed the GPS and hit the road. I reached California's famed Highway 101 at 12:27pm. The GPS told me that I would be riding it for about 247 miles and at the time I thought nothing of it. Unbeknownst to me, that at about 55 miles out, just past Gilroy, 101 is no longer a freeway and just a two lane road. Almost like the Taconic but without the familiarity I was baffled as to how fast I could go, so I just found some cars and kept up with them.

Then the farmland came. The cows, the crops, the John Deere tractors, all of it. Some of the hills and mountains in the distance were really nice, but oh my god was it boring as hell to drive though. This of course, went on for hours. At around 2:30pm I convinced myself to pull over and stretch/get some gas (I was running at half a tank). About 10 minutes and $31 later I was back on the road. Here's where it started to get fun. When I originally set out my GPS said my arrival time would be 4:40pm. Just before I took a break I had gotten it down to 4:32pm. When I jumped back in the car it was suddenly at 4:42pm and I wasn't happy. Still a two lane road, now with some trucks and stuff so speed is anything but constant. I'm probably about 70 miles from the exit I'm supposed to take off of 101 when my GPS informs me that it's low on battery. Just fucking great. I didn't need it to tell me to keep driving 200 miles and countdown for me, but now when I'm going to need actual directions you're going to crap out on me. Brilliant. I really think I bought into the hype of those things too much. I hate it. I think all of your problems can be solved with a paper map, a navigator or an internet capable phone that can display Google Maps.

I'm getting close to the turn-off and the scenery is incredible. I'm in Pismo Beach, I discover after checking a sign or two. Unfortunately it doesn't last for ever and we're back to farm country. Finally get to make the turn-off. Signs are telling me that Santa Barbara is only another 70 miles away - I can't wait. Then I notice that the next turn I need to make is to get onto 101 South (in about 20 miles). That's the exact road I just got off of. Again, California's highway system is retarded. Also, many fewer rest stops, and small road side conveniences than you'd notice. Jersey - 1, California - 0. So I'm heading towards 101 (again) when guess what? You know it. The GPS goes black. So I know the next direction is to get on 101 S and after that I guess aim the car at the water and try not to go through any walls? I manage to get a few quick glimpses as to the next direction before the battery totally dies. This of course requires me to re-turn on the GPS, wait for it to load, accept the warning not to type or input things while driving, and then hit the map button - while driving; 3 times. I manage to wind up on a road and see a sign for a visitors information booth. Bingo I can find information there.

Except that they're charging $3 for parking and I don't know where the hell I am. So I pass it up and start driving down, what I now know, is Castillo St, right near the harbor. It's really pretty and the sun is starting to set. Well I need to find State St to get my McRib or find a place to stay for the night. (Lesson learned, plan this part in advance for all future trips). I pass by a few streets, and see a bunch of small little motels, all with bright red "No Vacancy" signs. Okay, that's a problem I'll tackle later. I finally find State St and start counting the numbers, I"m looking for 1213. I'm at 26. Great. State St. is the main drag, like you see in all of those movies - typical California. The sides are littered with shops, and restaurants, there are pedestrian crossings every half block and stupid traffic lights. Traffic goes at a snails pace. Oh, and there's no streetside parking either. Despite all of that, I finally make it to the 1200 block and spot MckieDs on my left. At the corner I make a right and follow the signs for a parking garage. I park and grab my video camera, I'm gushing with excitement and the need to pee. I exit the parking lot, cross the street and enter. There are signs, signs saying "The McRib is back!" I'm so happy, it's not in vain. As is expected the guy in front of me takes way too long to order. I wrote a pretty funny short piece about that in high school but can't seem to find a backup copy anywhere. When I'm home I'll have to look for the original paper and re-type it, because it was good. Anyway, there's some funny commentary of me on the video whispering behind him how I will kill him if he doesn't hurry up.

When it's finally my turn I excitedly tell the girl "I want the McRib meal!" She asks if I want the large and for no reason I say "yes". I pay for the food and wait for my order number to be called. I get it and sit down, anxiously awaiting to see the treatment of the McRib. It's got it's own special box! It's big, not the little McRib Jr. they tried to pass off during one of the "McRib farewell tours" years back. This thing is big. I open the buns to check - onions, pickles and sauce. We're good. I close the sandwich back up and take a bite.

Delicious. Look, I know it's probably unreasonable to say that a single food item could be worth traveling 300 miles (when I travel 3,000 back to NY it's for several food items), but it sure seemed close. I loved every bite and the possibly two minutes it took to devour. I think I wiped my mouth twice or it would have been less. After enjoying both the meal and the afterglow I returned to the counter and asked what time they closed that night. 10pm was the answer. Great. I'm in good shape. I exited and looked to tackle my next obstacle. Uhm, I have nowhere to sleep. I started walking up State St. to see if I could find some more hotels, motels, Holiday Inns. With the GPS out of commission I was sorta left to hoofing it. I walked up past the 1800 block and found one place with vacancy. It wasn't much of anything and I had set a reservation price at around $50 when I left. When I saw how Santa Barbara was laid out I figured I'd have to raise it, especially being Saturday night, but still didn't want to over pay. The guy said it was $99 for the night. For that crappy place, I couldn't do it. So now I was a bit worried as I walked back to the lighted sections of the town.

Oh yeah, aside, since I was planning on taking pictures of Santa Barbara at sunset. By 6pm it was completely black, like midnight anywhere else. And the streets are pretty poorly lit so there's no pictures of anything. What a bummer.

So as I'm heading back realizing that all the signs I've previously seen said "No Vacancy", don't have a GPS or Internet connection to help me find new places, I'm sorta fucked. Then I decide to do the unthinkable. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I went back to the car and got my laptop and GPS and charger and headed to Starbucks. I waited 10 minutes or so for a table near an outlet to open up and began charging my GPS. Oh yeah, I ordered a small "Signature Hot Chocolate" for $2.95. They called it a "tall" when they gave it to me but the think was anything but. It also wasn't that good. The medium, actual medium, hot chocolate I got at Happy Donuts for $1.64 earlier that morning was far better. Fucking pretentious Starbucks assholes. Then there's the best part. Since when did Starbucks stop giving away free Internet? I'm sure it was a while ago and I didn't get the memo because I never got there, but now I really have no reason to ever again. So my laptop is useless and I'm waiting for my GPS to charge but that only helps if you pick a specific location it can get you there. I needed Google Maps.

I won't say Verizon to the rescue because I was able to use my phone inspite of them, but it was a saving grace. Note to self, upgrade to Android phone as soon as possible so that I can use the internet when I'm in a bind. Anyway, I wrote down the names of some hotels and played some Elite Beat Agents while waiting for the GPS to charge. Still couldn't beat the last level. GPS is charged, the crappy hot chocolate is done and I'm done laughing at everyone at Starbucks so I'm out.

Into the car I program the hotel. Holiday Inn Express sounds good. If I'm going to have to pay more than I wanted, I better get a name I trust. Of course the GPS tells me to go the wrong way on a way one street and then I somehow pass it, which then renders the GPS useless because if you pass the destination it thinks you, I have no idea what the fuck it thinks, but it doesn't show you how to get back there if you miss it. Helpful.

So driving around Santa Barbara is like driving around those little towns on the Jersey Shore. No lights, small signs and one ways going the way you don't want them to go. I wind up lost I think a town or two over. Great. Pick a new hotel so that the GPS is no longer useless. Days Inn. Should be affordable. After some fighting I convince the GPS that I can't drive through a gate onto a private road and we find away around. I reach the Days Inn to find no vacancy. But at least now I know how to get to Castillo, that main strip. I find a place with vacancy and park the car. But rather than go in, I head a few blocks up to show around. Pass another with vacancy to find a third. So I figure I'll work my way backwards. That third place has a 2 queen available for $149. And now I'm realizing I'm screwed again. Head back to place #2 which now suddenly has "No Vacancy". Great. Head back to where I left the car, still don't go in because I decide I'm going to play with fire. I head to State St. A few blocks up I come across a small hotel whose name I recognized from Google Maps. The guy tells me it's $69 a night plus tax. I walk out and head half way up the street to see if I see anything else. At this point it's around quarter after 9 and McDonalds closes at 10. I quickly dart back in and take the room. Then I run back to the car and drive to McDonalds. Stash it on a side street and make my order - 2 McRibs and a medium Sprite.

Side note - this McDonalds was really weird. Aside from having the McRib, all size drinks are $1 and Big Macs are $1.50.

Anyway, I collect my order and run back to the car. Hop in, pull a U-ie and head back to the hotel. Grab all my backs run up to the room and scarf two 2 more McRibs, both delicious. Now I'm exhausted, I've written this to be posted when I get back home and have an Internet connection and I'm going to call it a day/night.

Although I'm not really looking forward to the ride back. Oh well. All in all, I think this will be a great story.