We've come to the end of the road

I'm sitting here, in my room in San Francisco, while everyone else is out. I've been having abdominal pains for most of the day. My room is cluttered, yet without life and personality as most of my important belongings have long since been shipped back to NY or, in the case of my beloved big screen, sold earlier this evening.

Tomorrow figures to be a day of mostly packing, culminating in a trip down to Sunnyvale to pick up my car one last time. Park it overnight in a nearby lot and spent a good portion of the night packing it. If I'm feeling better I may break to have one last hurrah at one of the nearby bars, or randomly call people from school to see who is around and out. When that fails, I'll have a drink alone. Fitting.

As I was about to leave NY I wrote a lot about how I felt, the excitement of "starting" my life, reflecting back on those people who had made the most impact and wondering how I'd get on without them.

Nearly three years later has my life actually "started", or did it do that back in August 1982 and I've just been too caught up in looking for a big moment to realize it? Those same great friends who shaped me into the person that was able to come to California have all since changed. Marriage for many, new jobs for others and we haven't been as close. No visits since I moved. We've only seen each other when I made the effort to come home. That stings.

I spent a fair amount of energy and time ragging on California, comparing it unfavorably to New York and various other things that I could easily see coming across as hatred for the state or the city of California. Neither of which are true. While it is true that I can honestly say that I don't belong/fit here, I cannot diminish that it was this three year adventure that taught me that as well as many other undiscovered things about myself. For that I can be nothing other than grateful.

A big thank you to all, for this life changing experience. I'm finally up in the driver's seat of my own life rather than sitting in the back watching the trees pass by and occasionally asking for the radio to be turned up. Without further ado, the payoff to this post - my attempt at summarizing my time in California with the soundtrack of my life:

1 - California; Phantom Planet - it's happy, upbeat and like me was full of hope when I arrived
2 - California Love; Tupac and Dr. Dre - "well let me welcome everybody to the wild wild west", thank you very much. Nice to be here.
3 - Welcome to the Good Life; Kanye West - going to work for Google and riding high
4 - You Can't Always Get What You Want; The Rolling Stones - the gig at Google isn't what I thought it was going to be, I start to discover other abilities and interests
5 - Fat Lip; Sum 41 - "don't wanna fall in line, be another victim of your conformity" decided that I don't like the Google Kool-Aid. (Regular Kool-Aid however is delicious)
6 - Renegades of Funk; Rage Against the Machine - start the ConOps question wall and co-found the ConOps Fun Council. Outlet for creativity created, countdown started
7 - Gives You Hell; The All-American Rejects - part ways with Google
8 - Juicy; Notorious B.I.G. - complete 1st quarter at Miami Ad School and attend graduation. Mentally re-write this song to be my graduation speech
9 - Public Service Announcement; Jay-Z - win an award for White Castle work, start to come into my own at MAS
10 - New York State of Mind; Billy Joel - always in the back of my head as I continually find slight differences in perception and attitude on the West Coast that I really don't like. (If you're driving a Smart car or riding a Vespa you should be laughed at by everyone, not just me)
11 - Killing in the Name of; Rage Against the Machine - quarter away locations announced, mass competition to go to London. Only know one way to compete, kill 'em all, take no prisoners.
12 - London Calling; The Clash - I am as good as I say I am
13 - Country Roads; John Denver - decide that I have one chance left to drive cross country and this time I'm going to do it.
14 - Here I go Again; Whitesnake - "I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin." - Neo, the Matrix
15 - Good; Better than Ezra - Giving crap is something I do as a term of endearment. It was good living with you.
16 - End of the Road; Boyz II Men - where do you think I got the title from?
17 - Take another little piece of my heart in San Francisco; Janis Joplin/Tony Bennett mashup that I should create - It'll never be "home" but it was for a while. Maybe I'll be able to look back years from now as the place I got my start. The place I came into my own. Maybe it's just three years of bad pizza. Whatever it is, it's a part of me.