My apology to the Gay Community

I don't like strip clubs. I'm not a fan of strippers. I have my reasons, but I'll just say that it's the lack of commitment to one value set or another - either you are or you aren't - that bothers me about the profession. Anyway, not important.

Many of my friends do not share my view, which is fine, and as most bachelor parties do, my friend's involved a trip to a strip club. Side Note: Even in Vegas, don't go to a strip club on a Sunday night. The B squad is in.

I'm not one to pull a Mike and flake out on my friends, so I planned to just suck it up for the night and go hang out with my friends. We got to the strip club, I don't know, around midnight maybe midnight-30 and it wasn't very full. We sit down not too far from the "stage" and are descended upon by 4 or 5 girls. Fortunately one was taking drink orders and I decided to keep the vodka flowing for the rest of the night. Additionally, I had something else going in my favor - my look. I wasn't the happy to be there guy, Scott had that taken care of - boom, girl goes to him. I wasn't the shy, nervous looking guy, poor Tim never had a minute alone - boom boom boom let me her ya say way oh, girl goes to him. I wasn't the "he's cute and if I wasn't a stripper and he wasn't paying to see me take my clothes off, I think I'd ask for his number" guy, Brandon's your man for that - boom girl goes to him, possibly questioning her career choice as she does.

That gave me a few minutes to hang out and talk to Scott's brother Graig and enjoy my drink. However, I knew that it was only a matter of time before I was no longer safe. Either a new shift would start, or one of the other parties would stop tipping well or I'd accidentally look like I was interested. I needed a long term plan.

Eventually the time came. She asked me to scoot over and I did, because my mommy raised me to be a gentleman, even to strippers and told me that she'd take good care of me tonight. I had this idea in the back of my head and decided to just go with it.

"Thanks, I really appreciate the attention...but I'm gay."

She pulled a 3 point turn and tried to pass it off like she was talking about Scott but after I told her he was doing alright for now she was gone.

And not a single stripper came and talked to me for the rest of the night. It was wonderful. I got to keep my eyes wandering when a decent looking girl passed by, and I got to enjoy drinking and talking with my friends.

My cover worked a little too well, in that I had to keep the lie up so during a conversation with some guys nearby I had to decline accepting an offer to get up close and friendly with a girl, due to my faux homosexuality, which resulted in the guy we were talking to commenting that if I "liked white guys" I should email him when I got back to San Francisco because he had some friends.

Needless to say, will not be emailing him.

But my idea worked out better than I had hoped and I actually had an enjoyable night. In typical fashion of course, my friend's presented me with an 'It's Okay to be Gay' card the following night at the Hard Rock Cafe after requesting The Village People's classic "YMCA". Gotta love friend's like that.

Sorry got a little sidetracked. Anyway, to the heart of the matter. I, honestly and do sincerely apologize to the gay and lesbian community for pretending to be such just to avoid prolonged contact with strippers. I mean no harm nor disrespect and it is my hope that you will accept my heartfelt apology... and also allow me to continue to pretend to be gay in these situations. As a token of thanks, I will continue to support musical theater, the right to gay marriage and will not judge the homosexual experimentation of college frat boys.

Thank you.