Bob's Guide to Choosing a Bar

A friend recently said, "I don't know anything about bars" in the midst of us deciding on a location for future plans. Seeing as how I've drink, drank and gotten drunk in a decent number of establishments I decided that I would impart my thoughts and wisdom on the matter, with this, my primer to bars.

1) Acceptable Female/Male ratio - This is el numero uno on the list of important things. The ratio must be greater than 1:1 (too coupley), and my preference is typically for a minimal 1.8:1 ratio, which gives the bar a more noticeable "mixed" feeling to it.
The reasoning being the higher ratio is I find that while guys may go out in smaller groups (2-3) while girls typically prefer larger groups (4+, some of which are mixed company). The inherent "largerness" of girl groups cuts down on the number of unique groups and makes something like a 1.5:1 ratio feel indistinguishable from a 1:1 or worse ratio.
A word of caution however. You want to avoid any location where the ratio swings beyond 4:1. While it may seem like a paradise let's break down the numbers. That means in addition to you, and her, she's got 3 friends on average. If you're operating without a net, maybe you can overcome this but the majority of us work in tandem with a wingman. So, let's add him to the equation. Now you and your buddy have approximately 6 other girls to contend with, appeal to, appease and just generally deal with. Factor in other variables and very quickly paradise is lost.
So stick with a more manageable ratio.

2) Beer (drink) selection - Whether beer or overall drink selection is more important depends on the make-up of the group you are going out with. If it's just you and a bunch of guys watching a game, you need only concern yourself with the available beer selection. If that's the case your decision should focus on the establishment with the most beers available, weighted against the other guidelines to follow. Note: Guys going to a bar to watch a game and drink wine should never have their preferences considered. Rather they should be mocked at frequently and harshly.
Now if you are going out in mixed company, you'll likely have to make some concessions, i.e. - you may not be able to convince everyone that they should follow your lead and attempt to drink 60 beers from around the world. More "upscale" places probably have a website where they like to tout their libation selection but it's generally to be at best the same as you'd find at the local dive. This is where knowing your groups drink preferences can come in handy as bartenders, and by extension, drink strength and correctness vary by location. You can use knowledge of who makes the best Margarita as a handy bargaining chip to sway votes to a bar that has your preferred beer on tap.

3) Drink prices - Just as almost every other decision in life, money is going to come into play. What you are looking for are places with drinker friendly deals and specials on things you and your group enjoy. Don't just go for cheap drinks (or at least go to a place specifically for the cheap drinks towards the end of the night). Here's where your sense of value will come into play. Say Bar 1 is offering $2 Miller Lite bottles from 10-12pm while Bar 2 is offering $3.50 well drinks. All things being equal between the two bars you have to ask yourself, "is it work $1.50 to have to drink Miller Lite?" Provided that the well drinks at Bar 2 aren't watered down beyond belief, your choice should be bar 2, and if in mixed company or with a guy who loves "girlie" drinks it's not even a question. Let him order what he wants, you can make fun of him while he's drinking it.
Finally and I think this needs to be said, there's an under priced beer at just about every bar. With so many varieties available, so many tastes, bars and distributors have to group beers into categories and price based on that, rather than the individual product. Factor in simple economics (supply and demand) and you get an even more perverse pricing system which can work to your benefit. Avoid over priced imports that frat boys drink to look good or show off trust fund money. The majority of them have no sense of taste, which is why you'll often find them with a Heineken or Corona in their hands. Bars know and exploit this lack of taste and will typically charge more for these drinks than a superior ale (Newcastle comes to mind) or lager (Sam Adams). Drink the good stuff that's undervalued and when you hit a cash flow shortage then switch over to Bud and Coors or Miller (if you're desperate). By that time it'll be too late in the night for anyone to notice or care.

4) Reason to go/Gimmick - Something has to get you in the door. Whether it's the largest selection of beers in a 50 mile radius, it's 2 blocks from your place, 10 cent wings, a mechanical gorilla that dispenses peanuts, a great place to see a local band, the lap of luxury, where the beautiful people go, or just where everyone knows your name - there needs to be a reason to go. Different gimmicks will appeal at different times, in different situations so it is a wise move to stay current on unique factors for each place. You don't want to show up at the door wearing a sweater vest and a pair of khakis with a group of uptight accountants to find that your chosen destination is the area's biggest Death/Thrash/Speed and Black Metal venue. Or maybe you do like having the crap kicked out of you, I don't know.

5) Ambiance/Music - Once you're there, you need a reason to stay. Different bars serve different clientele with different needs. If you're going to watch a game, you need big tvs, cheap beer and an open kitchen cranking out burgers, fries, buffalo wings and other snacks. If you're celebrating an engagement (as long as you're in favor of it) or getting into medical school, you'll want something with a few more bells and whistles. I'm not going to go step by step on what ambiance goes with each situation but do put some thought into it early. If you want to have a conversation with friends and catch up - stay lo key so you can hear them. If you're just out to look good, go somewhere loud and bright so that no one can hear the drunken ramblings that come out of your mouth but everyone can get a good look at what your momma gave ya.
Nothing defines what an establishment is more than the music they play. If the music's not for you, avoid going. If you like to dance find a place that plays hip-hop or something created by electronic bells and slide kazoos that someone mistakenly tried to pass off as music. If you want to hang out with buddies and just drink, a jukebox is all you need.

6) How to get home - Always something you should at least put a cursory thought into. If you live in New York City, you know you have the best public transportation system in the country to assist you (just make sure to write those train letters down). Everyone else, whether it's a DD, walking, cabs, or a less efficient public transit system just make sure you have an idea of how to get home safely. Drinking and driving is inexcusable and beyond stupid but I'll save those thoughts for another post.

There you have it, Bob's Guide to Choosing a Bar. Go out and have fun. I'd say "stay thirsty my friends" because it's a great line but the Dos Equis people would sue the crap out of me.