Miller Lite, the bitches beer

After another week of watching football I really need to rant and get this off my chest.

Miller Lite's ads just piss me off. And here's why:

The whole premise is a bunch of attractive female bartenders emasculating guys who order a generic light beer instead of Miller Lite.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of attractive bitchy girls - when they're clever. These commercials aren't clever, or funny and the girls are just offensively rude and oh yeah...

IT'S FUCKING MILLER LITE!
Which no one with a college degree should be drinking anyway.

Wait, a guy has the balls to not care about your "Vortex Bottle"? How dare he, we must insult his manhood.
Do you know how useless this so-called revolutionary bottle is? Incredibly useless. Here's proof:
The German's don't do it, the Czech's don't do it, the Irish don't do it, the Brits don't do it. No self-respecting, beer-loving country puts their beverage in a bottle with a wind tunnel in it except for our gimmick loving, quality blind one. Even the over priced crappy beers (Corona, Heineken, etc.) don't try that crap.

Oh no, a guy dares order a non-Miller Lite beer because he believes they all taste the same!
Quick, cut him off at the nuts. Get a girl in a tight shirt to tell him he's not a man. Perhaps he's not, but it's because he's drinking a light beer in general, so a Miller Lite won't help him grow nuts. (I'll probably expand further in a rant on 'low calorie' beer ads. Spoiler: if you don't want calories - drink water).

I can respect that 2 of the commercials dish out the insults to obvious douche guys - the guy wearing sunglasses at the bar and the obviously clad in Ed Hardy guy. But that's not the point of the ad to make fun of the Axe Body Spray crowd. Other versions seek to make fun of other guys for no other reason than because they have working taste buds and ordered something other than a Miller Lite.

As if I needed another reason to be pissed, there's this ad. Now, I'm fine with making fun of a guy for carrying a man-purse/European carry-all, but it was funnier the first time I saw it, in this ad. And Flo didn't have to be a bitch about it.

So fuck you Miller Lite and you're offensive and offensively shitty (to anyone in the advertising industry) commercials. I like bitchy girls, but you couldn't find one to make me drink your piss water.

Side Note: Wendy's don't think that I didn't notice you taking the same approach with your "2 things" commercial. You've been warned, knock that crap off.

OchoTO: Week 5

So here we are at Week 5 and one thing is abundantly clear - my team is not very good. Looking down the schedule it's possible we can win 1-3 games depending on injuries and bye week luck. I'm not sure what act of hubris I committed that angered the Fantasy Football Gods so, but it's apparent that this season will be my punishment.
Case in point - first time we've ever had a cap on weekly moves, 5 per week. I'm fine with it, in fact I'm in favor of it. Except that on Wednesday (the day the waiver period ends and players make it to free agency) I had to use a move in order to get a fill in WR since Randy Moss and the Patriots are on their bye week. Correction, the Patriots are on their bye week. The next day Moss is traded to Minnesota, effectively burning 20% of my moves for the week. Greeeeeeeaat. As if my team isn't struggling enough. Anyway, enough with the whining - I tell ya these things are much easier to write when you're winning and can just make fun of everyone else's team.

Since we start at the bottom, I'm leading off again this week:

Where's My D-fense? (0-4) vs. Pussies (3-1)

As mentioned, Moss is back in the lineup, now with a new team. Greg Jennings and Dwayne Bowe are still with their old teams rounding out a trio of big name receivers with little production on the season. Reason #1 this team is so bad - as evidence by the fact that K Matt Nugent has more points on the season than both Bowe and Moss. At quarterback Joe Flacco comes off a great real life showing against the Pittsburgh Steelers. He was benched in fantasy, for good reason and now back in the saddle looks to prove that he isn't Reason #2 this team is so bad. Although the 5 INT game in week 2 still lingers. At running back Jonathan Stewart is benched again, despite a flukey TD last week as rookie QB Jimmy Clausen ran for his life and found that no one had bothered to cover the #2 running back 30 yards downfield. His lack of overall production on the season, nabs Stewart Reason #3 and a spot on the bench where he will join "great pre-season sleepers" and Reasons #4 and #5, RBs Jerome Harrison and Justin Forsett. Forsett was beginning to show signs of turning things around, however, with Seattle trading for former #1 Bills running back Marshawn Lynch, it seems as though Forsett has earned #5.
On the other side of the ball, the Pussies are coming off of their first loss of the season. A loss that was so bad, they were knocked from 2nd place to 5th place because of points (they only accumulated 66 last week). Cowboy's QB Tony Romo returns after his bye week to take the reigns from the disaster that was Derek Anderson and fans of the Pussies couldn't be happier. The team is still shaky at wide receiver with Mike Sims-Walker, Santana Moss and Johnny Knox - especially after the Bears have lost QB Jay Cutler with a concussion this week (which severely limits Knox's value) and Jaguar's RB MJD returning to form against the Colts (encouraging the team to hand it to him and not throw it to Sims-Walker). In the running game Ray Rice really needs to get on track or he could be Reason #1 why the Pussies aren't as good as they should be. His runningmate this week will be Tampa Bay's Cadillac Williams - remember him? Highly sought after out of college, was teammates with Ronnie Brown and has done just about nothing except get hurt and be a disappointment in the NFL. But he still cashes a really big check. Perhaps this week he'll help get the Pussies back on top. Most likely though it will be TE Dallas Clark who carries the load and helps the Pussies avoid an embarrassing loss to Where's My D-fense?

Weinenators (1-3) vs. Wide Right (2-2)

The Weinenators come into this matchup 3 men down as projected starters Hines Ward, Stephen Grostowski and the Pittsburgh defense all have the week off. Of the remaining players on the roster, Jets QB Mark Sanchez has looked good each of the previous two weeks and has an opportunity to solidify "start every week" status this week against a tough Vikings team. WRs Steve Smith (Giants) and Kevin Walter will be facing off against each other in real life this week, and the Weinenators can only hope that each guy tries to one up the other on Sunday. Running backs Michael Turner and Beanie Wells will each go against defenses that can be run on, however, in Wells' case it's likely that the Saints will drop 30 on Arizona before they know who won the opening coin toss and the Cardinals will have to all but abandon the running game. Beanie's best chance may be for the Cards to get the opening kick off and then score a rushing TD on their first drive before the Saints get the ball and put the game out of reach. TE Dustin Keller has been impressive all season long, emerging as one of the best pass catching tight ends in the game. However, with the return of WR Santonio Holmes, will Sanchez still be looking for Keller?
Wide Right won last week to even up their record at 2-2 and now looks to get their head above the .500 mark. QB Drew Brees will likely be swinging the ball all over the field against a weak Cardinals secondary as the Saints are again without starting RB Pierre Thomas. I was thinking of making a "French-surrender" joke there but couldn't get it to sound write and ultimately abandoned it. Maybe next week if Pee Air misses a third straight week. Anyway, the receivers on this side of the ball are a couple of great possession receivers all with their own problems - mainly quarterbacks you've never heard of. Larry Fitzgerald will be receiving pass from Max Hall (and I totally had to look that up on ESPN.com) while Louis Murphy seems to have fallen out of favor with Bruce Gradkowski the past few weeks in favor of TE Zach Miller. Fortunately, he plays for Wide Right as well. The running backs will new Redskins starter Ryan Torain and Houston backup Steve Slaton. Slaton is an interesting story as he lead the Texans in rushing yards a few years ago as a rookie, but has since been completely pushed to the back of the line because of new rookie Arian Foster. And with Derrick Ward (currently #3 on the Houston depth chart) facing off against his old team, will Slaton get any carries at all?

AnyGivenSunday (1-3) vs. The I.F.F. (4-0)

The only girl in the league takes on the only undefeated team left in what should be a good matchup. Sunday is lead by QB Aaron Rodgers who continues to put up great numbers each week despite not throwing more than 5 passes towards WR Greg Jennings. Sunday's WRs, Chad Ochocinco and Jabar Gaffney have been overshadowed by their real-life teammates (T.O. and Eddie Royal/Brandon Lloyd/Demaryus Thomas) and now Percy Harvin may be in line for the same treatment now that Randy Moss is back in town. However, this takes pressure off of Harvin, a second year player not really cut-out to be the teams #1 pass catching threat with Sidney Rice injured and Bernard Berrian sucking, a lot. On the ground, fantasy zombie LaDanian Tomlinson continues to impress each week looking like the LT of old, to the point that I"m sure a few people in the Chargers organization have asked each other in the restroom "seriously, how the hell is he doing that? He couldn't do shit for us last year." And with the injury to Michael Vick last week, Brent Celek, as well as loyal dog owners everywhere outside of Philadelphia got exactly what they wanted. Celek now gets a QB who will be looking for him in the middle of the field and he looks to erase a slow start to the season.
Meanwhile the Incredibly Flatulent Farters continue to leave the rest of the league in a cloud of smoke. At least I hope that's smoke. With regular QB Jay Cutler out with a concussion, the man he was traded for (and who is having a better season than he is) Kyle Orton will step in and try to keep things running smoothly as he faces a tough Baltimore defense. He will get some help from his group of emerging receivers - Roddy White, Jeremy Maclin and Malcom Floyd. Perhaps because he plays in Atlanta, few people are aware of how crazy good Roddy White's stats are. I'll admit they surprised me as I had written him off as a flash in the pan a few seasons ago. His consistency is impressive and now that the Falcons have a cornerstone quarterback (Matt Ryan) in place, it's easy to believe that White will be a dominant receiver for years to come. Overall #1 pick Chris Johnson has faced some tough opponents recently and as a result is not leading the league in rushing yards. While that is the case, status lie, he's still the best running back in the NFL which is why the I.F.F. hasn't tried to deal him. This week he gets a Dallas defense that I personally would love to see him shred like rookie Randy Moss did on Thanksgiving all those years ago. TE Antonio Gates and flex Jamaal Charles are also looking for big games this week as they face defense's that aren't particularly good at covering their respective positions.

You Punt! (1-3) vs. The Battery Lasted (1-3)

You Punt! doesn't have very many "big" names on their roster - outside of T.O. - but they do have some quality players who are capable of contributing and getting this team a victory. QB David Garrard isn't flashy, high profile or a big time scorer but he doesn't make mistakes that often. He also suffers from the same ailment that I do, so I really can't say anything bad about him since the last thing I can imagine doing with Crohn's is playing pro football. WRs Miles Austin and DeSean Jackson are, now that T.O. is not in the NFC East anymore, my 2 least favorite receivers in the NFC, so I can't really say anything objective other than the Yahoo projections suggest that they're decent players and could be valuable on Sunday. RB Mike Tolbert isn't supposed to be the #1 back for the Chargers, but after consecutive weeks of scoring a TD and running well, it would seem hard for them to completely hand the workload back to Ryan Matthews this week. Ladell Betts is one of the biggest beneficiaries of the Pierre Thomas injury and he'll get a good share of the Saints carries against the previously insulted Cardinals defense. And look out for the Falcon's defense as a surprise difference maker in this matchup as they face the Cleveland Browns. Jake Delhomme may start (he's had 5 INT games before) or else Seneca Wallace will be under center (and he's Seneca Wallace) giving the dirty birds a chance to do damage on D.
Last week the Battery almost outlasted DingleberrySanders. After a week of recharging they look to notch a W. QB Peyton Manning didn't have much room to operate last week as the Jaguars controlled time of possession by running on the Colts. This week he'll face a Chiefs team capable of doing the same thing. Manning will again have to be efficient since he may not have the opportunity to throw over 350 yards he'll have to avoid turnovers and put up a few TDs to give his team a good opening. Anquan Boldin continues to be the WR that the Ravens hoped he was, and this week against a non-Steelers defense should find the end zone as well as putting up over 100 yards (and not just because I have him in another league). Eddie Royal of the Broncos may be the team's leading receiver this week. Or he may be after Brandon Lloyd. Or Jabar Gaffney. Or Demariyus Thomas. It's anyone's guess really, although conventional logic would suggest that Royal is the one who will have the best performance on Sunday. Speaking of Chargers RB Ryan Matthews, the Battery Lasted is playing him, giving both owners reason to sit really close to the screen and try to determine which back is getting the carry each time that Philip Rivers hands the ball off and screaming when it's the other guy's guy. Should be fun.

Stay Puft (2-2) vs. NomNomNom (3-1)

The Marshmallowed Marauders are seeking to get on the plus side of .500 this week. QB Matt Schaub has had an up and down season so far thanks to injuries to star WR Andre Johnson and the emergence of Arian Foster and a top notch run game. This week he'll face a Giants D which embarrassed Jay Cutler by sacking him more than a potato and then rang his bell, knocking him out of the game. This may make Stay Puft a little nervous going into the game. But if Schaub can deliver a decent game the rest of his team can make up for it, with WRs Hakeem Nicks and Reggie Wayne both having fantastic seasons so far. Wayne was projected to decline this year - hasn't and Nicks was supposed to become more active in the Giants passing game, although he wasn't necessarily expected to become Eli Manning's favorite target and lead the team in TDs. Running backs Adrian Peterson and Brandon Jacobs are a difference in styles: Peterson runs well, keeps his helmet on and is a focal point of his team's offense. Jacobs is the opposite of all those. TE Todd Heap is one of my favorites and is being mentioned here only for that reason. Meanwhile, flex play Thomas Jones is having more of an impact this season than many expected. Then again, the undefeated Chiefs are having more of an impact this season than many expected, so I suppose it's fitting.
Last week NomNomNom handed the Pussies their first defeat, and this week look to chow down on Stay Puft. QB Carson Palmer remains the starter due to Matthew Stafford's injury. You have to wonder if/when this move will catch up to the team as there are several better QBs available. Regardless, the dynamic duo of WRs Johnson and Johnson (Andre and Calvin) have more than enough talent to make up for sub-par quarterback play. Hell, it's what they do. Andre is still banged up but has started to undergo sci-fi esque treatments in order to improve his healing. Personally I think he should just get himself injected with anti-bodies from Wolverine's blood and then he'd have a mutant healing factor and be virtually indestructible. Who knows, maybe after he signs his next contract extension. On the ground Ahmad Bradshaw will go head-to-head against his backup in the Mike Tolbert/Ryan Matthews scenario described earlier, except this battle is likely to be more one sided. NomNomNom's other runners - Peyton Hillis and Jahvid Best should be the difference in this contest as both are solid #1 backs on their teams and in line to get a plethora of touches this week. My prediction is for NomNomNom to feast again this week.

And now, our game of the week. It's brother vs. brother. Silver vs. Ag

#3 GreenZone (3-1) vs. #2 DingleBarrySanders (3-1)

The Greenzone is fresh off their impressive display of power in crushing helpless Where's My D-fense? last week. In this brother battle they'll ask QB Philip Rivers to be at his best and run up the score on division rivals the Oakland Raiders so that they can earn Mommy and Daddy's love. However, the air combat is suspect with WRs Marques Colston and Brandon Lloyd. The enigma of the Denver passing game and who will emerge as the number 1 target each week has already been covered extensively and as such hurts Lloyd. Colston on the other hand is the number 1 receiver on the Saints. The problem however is that Drew Brees will throw to 400 different people and the TDs will go to whoever is open at the time, meaning Colston, despite superior skills, is just as likely to score as anyone else. The 3rd receiver is Steve Johnson of Buffalo. That's all I know about him. On the ground both Frank Gore and DeAngelo Williams are currently experiencing really bad seasons, as are their teams, who have combined for 2 moral victories when each team almost beat the Saints. The 49ers fired their offensive coordinator a few weeks ago, so Gore may see his productivity increase. Likewise for the Panthers, star wide receiver Steve Smith is injured giving QB Jimmy Clausen no one to throw to, so Williams may be the whole offense for the team this week. The GreenZone will need another strong performance from TE Jermichael Finely if they hope to keep it close against younger brother this week.
Meanwhile DingleBarrySanders looks to establish dominance in the family by toppling their older sibling. Lead by QB Eli Manning and one of his older brother's favorite targets, Austin Collie, youth looks to be served. But regardless of younger Manning and anyone in the passing game, the real strength of DingleBarrySanders (as you could probably guess with that name) is the running game. I don't think that any team in the league has a trio of players that can compete with: Maurice Jones-Drew, Steven Jackson and Arian Foster. This week they have some good looking match ups as MJD faces the can't stop the run Bills, Jackson faces the Lions and although looking good against the Bears last week, Foster faces a Giants team that was run on by Joseph Addai. Between the three of them, I say they put up 70 - 90 points this week, rendering the rest of the team pretty much irrelevant.

Here we go, it's week number 5. Maybe I can get one in the win column. Oh wait, I'm counting on Mike Bell and T.J. Houshmandzadeh, forget it.

Taking the battle to breakfast

Burger King has re-vamped their their breakfast offerings and is promoting them with a new (and horrible) ad campaign as seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqdxbfzaSZg

Despite the fact that I think the ads are stupid beyond belief (bad songs, a "flute solo" rip-off of 'Anchorman' and punchlines that make you want to punch the person delivering it in the face) I really hope that the new BK breakfast is popular, and here's why:

McDonald's has ruled fast food breakfast forever. It's one of their most profitable sectors of the business and has been relatively unchallenged. However, now Subway is getting into the breakfast game and as mentioned, Burger King has a new menu presumably with the intent of cutting into Ronald's profits. So why should I/you or anyone care? Because if Burger King can be successful it leaves McDonald's with few options. One would be to accept a loss in profits (which I doubt they would do after enjoying so many years of dominance). The other would be to retaliate. Perhaps they would finally put an end to the arbitrary "no breakfast after 10:30am" policy that has been the bane of everyone's existence - as seen in the movie "Big Daddy".

It seems like the next logical step in the breakfast war - make menu items available to drunkards and people seeking brinner. Fast food restaurants are already staying open later and later, deep into the new day and some 24 hours, so why should breakfast only be served for a small portion of their operating hours? Some places, like Jack In the Box, already serve breakfast all day. Unfortunately, they aren't enough of a powerhouse to force the house of Ronald to reconsider their much hated policy. But maybe Burger King and competition from unlikely sources (namely Subway), can create the change we've been waiting for.

If it does, it will be a great day.
Then we can work on getting the McRib on the menu full time.

OchoTO: Week 4

Grumble, grumble, grumble.

For the first time ever I'm 0-3 and it makes writing these previews a little harder when you're looking over the leaderboard and realize that you're team is bad. Very bad. Prior to this year my worst finish was 4th. In a different year I managed to win the championship AND come in third. Yet this year, I'm about a week away from trading a hand-job for a win. Uhm, maybe not. I'll get back to you on that.

Anyway, as always we start at the bottom, and whoo hoo that means my game is first.

Where's My Defense? (0-3) vs. GreenZone (2-1)

On the plus side, last week Where's My Defense? put up their highest point total of the season. Unfortunately they still lost by 20. As a result, scientists and analysts are scratching their heads at why the team is so bad. QB Joe Flacco finally played up to the level he was projected to. However, WRs Greg Jennings, Randy Moss and Dwayne Bowe all did very little. Despite each having a TD (Moss had 2), none of them caught more than 2 passes or had more than 62 yards receiving. Awesome. On the ground, Jonathan Steward finally got into the endzone, but is still considered useless. And last minute pickup RB Correll Buckhalter, who was supposed to start in place of injured Bronco Knowshon Moreno, saw newly acquired Laurence Maroney get the majority of the carries and average less than 2 yards per rush. Fantastic. So what will Where's My Defense? do for an encore this week? Flacco is benched against the tough Steelers D giving way to Chad Henne. Bowe is on a bye week so Miami's Brian Hartline is slotted in and needs to do his best Wes Welker imitation. Stewart is benched for Justin Forsett (another preseason sleeper who isn't doing much) and they're staring 2 TEs, Aaron Hernandez and Heath Miller. The only plus this week is that half the team plays on Monday Night, saving me from screaming at the TV all day on Sunday.
On the other side, the GreenZone is 2-1 and coming off a big family win last week. QB Philip Rivers (who I hate) is in line for a big game against the Arizona Cardinals who are just inept on both sides of the ball since they lost QB Kurt Warner (retirement) and LB Karlos Dansby (smelled a sinking ship and got the hell out of there). If Rivers is somehow unable to win the game on his own he will have WRs Marques Colston and Jacoby Jones also in favorable matchups. While Colston may not get a ton of targets thanks to Drew Brees' socialist way of spreading the wealth around New Orleans, he is a big target in the red zone, provided Lance Moore doesn't catch a pair of 80 yard bombs. Jacoby Jones on the other hand can usually get some good looks while the entire opposing defense tries to stop Andre Johnson. Brandon Lloyd is also playing and is likely to be one of the top 3 Bronco receivers in the game. Which one he'll be is anyone's guess. RBs Frank Gore and DeAngelo Williams are both having pretty piss poor seasons so far, which means that flex play Joseph Addai may be the team's leading rusher this week. Which is sad because he's the third most talented back. If only Donald Brown would learn to pick up the blitz. With advantages at every position, look for the GreenZone to make Where's My Defense? question his manhood yet again this week.

Weinenators (1-2) vs. The I.F.F. (3-0)

After snagging their first win of the season last week against the defending champion-ess, the Weinenators take on the top team in the league. So much for a winning streak. The Weinenators have put their trust into the Sanchize, but with 3 starters on their bye this week, it would take more than a Joe Willie Namath miracle to upset the to team. WR Roy Williams, TE Kellen Winslow and flex play Marion Barber will all be home in front of the TV tomorrow, and not contributing to the team. Perhaps this is a new strategy to psych out their opponent, or perhaps it's a case of welcome to your first year in the league, you do realize that some weeks you have to play other guys. As for the players who will be on the field come Sunday, RB Michael Turner got over 30 carries last week and seems healthy after suffering an injury in week 2. Arizona's Beanie Wells is also scheduled to play after missing the first 2 weeks of the season. Their air support will come in the forms of Steve Smith (Giants) and Hines Ward. Both are possession receivers capable of putting up double digit points without finding the endzone. However, with Julius Peppers harassing Eli Manning and the Steelers still without Ben Rapelisberger, how many passes either receiver will get his way remains a big question.
The Indigo Fairy Farm sits at the top of the league with an impressive 3-0 record, and so far it hasn't even been close. This week they look to go at it 2 men down (RB Jamaal Charles and K Ryan Longwell), and are still projected to put up more points than the entire Where's My Defense? team. QB Jay Cutler was as shaky as... no, I'm not going to make a Michael J. Fox joke here, and Muhammad Ali could still kick my ass, so no Parkinson's references... a Lindsay Lohan in rehab. This week against the Giants will he have the same luck, or will his careless interceptions stick? WR Roddy White has emerged as a top receiver over the past two seasons and against a 49ers team that is struggling to find itself, is primed to have a big game. Meanwhile the Chargers Malcom Floyd has absorbed the responsibilities of a #1 with Vincent Jackson still looking for more money. In the backfield Chris Johnson is once again expected to have his way with opposing defenses. This week the Bronco's get to be the revolving door he runs through. And LeSean McCoy of the Eagles at flex is a very solid player despite the fact that I despise Philadelphia and will do my best to not compliment them unless it is necessary.


AnyGivenSunday (1-2) vs. Stay Puft (1-2)

The defending champ is having a rough go of it so far this year. QB Aaron Rodgers and his many points per game, look to change that this week though as the team welcomes back old favorite Leon Washington who will be filling in as a flex after 2 kick-off return TDs last week, totaling 200 yards. As for players with a bit more consistency attached to them, RBs Cedric Benson and the zombie known as LaDanian Tomlinson (because I swear last year the guy was dead) are both running well, catching passes out of the backfield and earning their keep as fantasy backs. Kicker Mason Crosby of the Packers is both accurate and has a very muscular leg capable of putting a ball through from over 50 yards away. I bet he gets that thing massaged all the time...aaaah. Also the Jets defense is capable of shutting down any opponent (see New England Patriots in the second half) which leads to fantasy points galore. As previously mentioned, the WRs on this team are a weakness with Chad Ochocinco having to rely on the incredibly overrated Carson Palmer, Robert Meachem getting on the field for about 20% of the Saints plays, and Jabar Gaffney being yet another possibility in the weekly soap opera of which Bronoco's receiver will have a good day. Can Rodgers and the running backs get AnyGivenSunday back on her unicorn? Or will the lack of receivers spell her doom?
After 20 or so years, Stay Puft marshmallows are finally available. These little bastards are packed with caffeine, making them quite possibly the best snack ever. So back to the team for a moment. QB Matt Schaub had a bad game in Dallas last week, but the Raiders aren't the Cowboys and he looks to rebound big time. How big? Let's say Stay Puft Marshmallow Man big. At the receiver spots we have Reggie Wayne (who wears white and blue, much like the marshmallow man himself), Hakeem Nicks (who will be wearing blue and white, and is very big, again like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man) and Mike Wallace (who, if the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man ever did attack New York would do a hard hitting piece for 60 Minutes the following week to tell the misunderstood confectionery creature's story). As for flex play Demaryius Thomas, he has no connection to the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man because he is not white. As for the running game, all you need to know is this - Ronnie Brown vs. the New England Patriots. Ray, if someone asks if you're a God, you say YES! And now I will leave you with this tune to get stuck in your head.

Wide Right (1-2) vs. You Punt! (1-2)

This matchup is a close one, and if the teams weren't both under .500 it would probably be the game of the week. Wide Right comes into the contest a man down (well 11+ men) with the Vikings defense taking the week off. If they don't fix the roster in time it will put extra pressure on WRs Larry Fitzgerald and Michael Crabtree who are projected for big games, despite having done very little so far this season to warrant that prognostication. QB Drew Brees will get his points and Louis Murphy is emerging as a consistent, even if not spectacular, play at receiver. RB Darren McFadden is putting together a very good season after it was speculated in the preseason that he would lose the job to Michael Bush. However, so far McFadden has over 60 fantasy points. He's paired with new pickup BenJarvus Green Ellis (aka 'The Law Firm') who will play Monday Night. At TE is another Raider, Zach Miller, a year ago considered to be the only Raider worth having in fantasy football. New year, new strategy as Wide Right has 3 of Al Davis' guys on his squad. Then again, he is still just 1 and 2.
You Punt! is starting 4 birds this week - Eagles QB Michael Vick and WR DeSean Jackson, as well as Falcons' kicker Matt Bryant and the Atlanta Defense. Other than that they're not very interesting as I previously stated that I will not compliment Philadelphia, and especially not Vick. Why do I have to give the guy a second chance and feel all warm and fuzzy for him now that he's back in the NFL making a shit-ton of money and doing well? I'll give him this, he was a horrible person and now may not be. Congratulations because that's the best you're getting from me. The running backs for You Punt! are the possibly about to lose his starting job, Clinton Portis and San Diego backup Mike Tolbert. Despite reports that Ryan Mathews will play this week, Tolbert is a good choice because I am forced to start him in my money league and need to believe that what I just said is true. Mercedes Lewis will be the flex this week as You Punt! takes a page out of Where's My Defense?'s playbook in starting 2 TEs. Lewis will compliment Vernon Davis as both players are the only viable receiving threat on their team (if you exclude the running backs Maurice Jones Drew and Frank Gore). This one should be a nail bitter and may have a far reaching impact on the league as one of these teams will emerge from the traffic jam of 1-2 teams to reach mediocrity at 2-2.


The Battery Lasted (1-2) vs. DingleBerrySanders (2-1)

The Battery Lasted and that's why my wife told me to sleep on the couch.
Anyway, they are lead by Peyton Manning who is a lot like the energizer bunny - he keeps throwing and throwing and appears in at least 3 commercials every Sunday. All of that aside though, he faces a poor Jaguars defense he'll likely be able to pick apart much like he did to the Giants in week 2. The running backs, a pair of backups, are an interesting story. The Packer's Brandon Jackson stepped in when Ryan Grant was lost for the season, but instead of putting up big numbers it appears as if the Pack are content to abandon the run and let Aaron Rodgers and the defense win games for them. As for Kenneth Darby he may or may not be filling in for Steven Jackson of the Rams. Despite the fact that Jackson is injury prone, he manages to play just about every week. The guy is tough, skilled and being wasted in St. Louis. How he hasn't been traded to a contender in any of the past 3 years still confuses me. Anyway, at receiver look for Anquan Boldin to be a difference maker in the usually hard hitting, run first matchup that is the Ravens and Steelers. The Ravens finally have a passing attack and a wide receiver who will prevent the Steelers from stacking the box. And coming off his 3 TD performance last week, I can only hope he does it again, because I have him in my money league. WR Eddie Royal is listed at 5-3 odds to be the best Bronco receiver to have this week, if those made up odds mean anything to you.
DingleBerrySanders is 2-1 because they faced the I.F.F., otherwise this team has all the talent to be at 3-0. They head into this matchup lead by Eli Manning, setting up the Fantasy Manning Bowl, which sounds a lot dirtier than it really is. Unless you remember that they are both spokesmen for the Double Stuff Oreo Licking League, in which case you're sick and disgusting and should stay away from small children. But back to football. Rumors of Brandon Marshall's irrelevance in the Miami offense seem to have been premature as he has revolutionized the team's offense, making them contenders this season. Partnered with the Great White Hope, Wes Welker, the two can combine for 20 catches a game, tons of yards and a score or two (Welker most likely with his insanely hot girlfriend). Then we throw in yet another possession receiver, Lassie (my new nickname for Austin Collie). Why? What type of dog was Lassie? A collie. And if you ever throw a ball near Lassie, she always catches it, just like Austin Collie. Point proved, it works. These three receivers give DingleBerrySanders a big leg up each week thanks to the PPR scoring. Oh and pass catching running backs MJD and Steven Jackson are pretty good guys to have in that format as well. Seriously, how the hell did we let him get all of these guys?

And now our Game of the Week:

#4 NomNomNom (2-1) vs. #2 Pussies (3-0)

Last week NomNomNom suffered their first loss, at the hands of family no less. This week they look to slide one into the Pussies loss column. QB Carson Palmer faces a bad Cleveland defense, which is good for him, because he is also bad. He'll need help from WRs Andre Johnson (questionable) and Steve Smith (dealing with a rookie QB out of Notre Dame not named Joe Montana) and Calvin Johnson (who lost his starting QB in week 1). Okay, so things don't look too promising so far. But NomNomNom is resilient and their team is stacked higher than a Chicago Deep Dish Pizza from Lou Malnatis. RBs Ahmad Bradshaw and Peyton Hillis face staunch defense's but both are far and away their team's #1 back, providing them with plenty of touches throughout the game. TE John Carlson leads the Seahawks in targets and despite the Rams being improved on defense, should be able to exploit them for a decent game, unless Matt Hasselbeck starts throwing to himself. Flex play Davone Bess had a big game in primetime last week and this week will be facing a weak Pats secondary who will have to spend most of their limited resources on stopping Brandon Marshall, making Davone the Bess choice for a flex this week. Yes, I hate myself for writing that line.
The Pussies have the power...running game that is. With Ray Rice and Rashard Mendenhall, two #1 backs on run first teams. What's the only thing that can ruin this formula? Their run the ball and play great defense teams playing against each other of course. Does this mean that the pussies are vulnerable this week? Possibly as they turn to Derek Anderson at quarterback with Tony Romo on his bye week. The receivers are a trio of one trick ponies: Mike Sims-Walker, Santana Moss and Johnny Knox(ville). However, what these three lack in general football skill, they make up for by being very fast. It only takes a well placed Donovan McNabb deep ball to make Moss look like a real NFL receiver, or for the Bears offensive line to give Jay Cutler enough time to unload a 70 yard aerial strike for Knox to run under. Sims-Walker on the other hand, I've got nothing for. TE Dallas Clark will be tasked with picking up the slack from everyone, and you probably couldn't have a better guy for the job as he remains one of Peyton Manning's favorite red zone targets. And flex play, Pierre Thomas could have a big game against a really bad Panther's team if he plays. And he better, because he's on my money league team.

Will the Pussies go to 4 and Ooh Ooh OOOOOOOOOOOh?
Or...
Will NomNomNom eat them out of the un-defeateds?

Tune in to week 4 to find out these answers and more.

OchoTO: Week 3

After missing all of week 1 due to living in a country whose version of football involves guys actually using their feet to maneuver the ball and spending week 2 jet lagged (yet well fed) on the couch, I'm ready to start a new season of commentary.

Will AnyGivenSunday successfully defend her crown? Could I hate having to write that sentence any more? Will the 5 roster moves per week affect any teams strategy? With a few new players in the league this year, will the title go to a relative rookie? And how thankful are Matt and I to no longer have to wake up early on a Sunday to watch football? All of these questions, and more will be answered as Fantasy Football 2010 unfolds.

We'll start this week's match-ups the way we always do, from the bottom up.

Weinenators (0-2) vs. AnyGivenSunday (1-1)

New to the league, Weinenators are experiencing some early season growing pains. They've got a lot invested in the Sanchize as their starting QB and so far he hasn't been able to get them a win. Possession receivers Steve Smith (Giants) and Hines Ward are solid picks in a PPR league, although without Ben Rapelisberger, Ward has seen his value take a bit of a hit. And Dallas WR Roy Williams continues to be a non factor thanks to his well publicized lack of a work ethic and the also well documented white bro love between Tony Romo and Jason Witten. Miles Austin is milano, so it's okay to throw to him. In the running game Michael Turner is a top 10 back when he's healthy, but last week pulled a groin and watched 3rd stringer Jason Snelling dominate. Turner is back, but we all know a groin injury lingers, so expect the Falcons to split the load between their two able backs. Beanie Wells looks to make his season debut and if Dallas starts to run the ball Marion the Barbarian becomes a good flex option. It's only week 3 so we'll see if they can get their act together.
The defending champion-ess is currently 1-1 and coming off a significant loss. Her majesty's team is lead by QB Aaron Rodgers who will be playing the "ace in the hole" role this week, as the Packers play on Monday Night. The rest of the offense is pass heavy with receivers Chad Ochocino, Minnesota's Percy Harvin and Robert Meachem of the Saints. The Jets Jerricho Cotchery is currently in the flex. I'll be honest, this is a definite weak spot of the team. Meachem is on the field for less than half of the Saints plays, and is somewhere between Drew Brees' 4th and 17th option, with a the tackle eligible ahead of him. Ochocinco is averaging over 100 yards receiving per game so far, but I don't expect that to last. And since it's week 3 we are due for a T.O. public rant on not getting the ball enough. As for Harvin, he may be decent as a flex since Sidney Rice is out, Bernard Berrian sucks and the Vikes couldn't get a deal done for Vincent Jackson. But as a #2 guy, danger for the defending champ. The backs are decent, Cedric Benson puts up numbers despite the lack of buzz, and despite proclaiming him "fantasy dead" last season, LaDanian Tomlinson is proving there is some life left in his legs (ex: the over the pile dive against the Pats last week). This one may be a close one after Sunday but I expect Rodgers to put AnyGivenSunday over the top Monday Night.

Where's my D-fense? (0-2) vs. The Battery Lasted (0-2)

Where's my D finds itself, for the first time, starting a season 0 and 2, and it hasn't been pretty. Having been blown out in the first two games, the veteran owner has made 4 of his allotted 5 moves this week in hopes of turning the Titanic around. Lack of production from key personnel (i.e. Joe Flacco, Jonathan Stewart, Dwayne Bowe and Jerome Harrison) has lead to this once mighty competitor digging around in the waiver dumps. But it's only week 3 and a win this week could propel the team on a streak of some sort. Shane Flacco returns this week to prove that despite a poor showing in the Sugar Bowl, he can lead his Washington Sentinels team to victory (enough Replacements references for ya?). WRs Randy Moss and Greg Jennings are solid and if Bowe can become worthy of his preseason hype this could be a great corps. In the backfield Matt Forte continues his charge for comeback player of the year honors, while Jonathan Steward has been escorted to the bench. Seattle RB Justin Forsett will take his place while last week's running hero Jason Snelling will take over flex duties. Kicker Stephen Grostowski is gone after failing to hit anything more than an extra point in 2 games and TE Heath Miller has been put on notice he's no longer protected. Can these moves translate to a win, or will week 4 be back to the drawing board?
A belated congratulations to proud parent The Battery Lasted who would love to show the little one a win in week three so that he can grow up to respect daddy. It all starts with QB Peyton Manning whos season has begun just like it does every year - lighting up opponents both in the NFL and in Fantasy Football. The receivers are also off to a good start as personal favorite Anquan Boldin is now the #1 option in the Raven's passing game, and should benefit if Flacco can manage to throw the ball to guys on his own team. Eddie Royal is the top guy in Denver now thanks to them shipping Brandon Marshall to Miami and with Moreno hurt it could mean more throws for Kyle Orton...and somehow this is a good thing. At running back Brandon Jackson benefits from the injury to Ryan Grant and given his skill set, has the potential to be the high scoring back that Grant was expected to be going into the season. Donald Brown is still stuck behind Joseph Addai on the Colts depth chart due to issues with pass protection, but if he can manage to block and get on the field for a few series, he has upside potential. The Chiefs defense will face niners QB Alex Smith this week, which may lead to a welcomed surprise of more points compliments of a few INTs. One thing about this game for sure though, both teams really need a win.


Wide Right (1-1) vs. Dingleberry Sanders (1-1)

After 2 weeks Wide Right is hanging in there and seems to have given up being a homer and realizing that WR Lee Evans is not good. The team does have Drew Brees at quarterback, and Wide Right has to be encouraged by a 1-1 start without Brees being at his best yet early in the season. This week's receiver lineup features Larry Fitzgerald who has seen his value crushed by Derek Anderson. An illegally obtained call record shows that Fitzgerald has made over 37 calls to Kurt Warner's home over the past 2 weeks, presumably not to ask how the family is doing. Michael Crabtree has a lot of potential, however none of it was on display last week against the Saints as Josh Morgan seemed to get the majority of the targets. Raiders WR Louis Murphy was a late week pickup, presumably after Matthew Berry's Love/Hate column was posted. RB Knowshon Moreno is out, so Wide Right will have to correct that before tomorrow's kick off, or else Darren McFadden is on his own. The Viking's defense should play an important role this weekend as they were run on, thoroughly, by Miami this week and now face Jahvid Best of the Lions.
On the other side of the ball is the hard luck 1-1 Dingleberry Sanders. The scary part about this team is that it really is capable of putting up 120-140 points per week. QB Eli Manning has weapons at receiver and the Giants no longer seem to be a run first team. Despite being marked as a guy to avoid in the preseason, WR Brandon Marshall is putting up decent numbers in Miami's offense, even with Chad Henne at quarterback. And what can you say about Wes Welker? The Great White Hope has returned for last season's knee injury (which honestly had me concerned) to pick up where he has left off - catching a ton of pass, scoring TDs and perhaps most importantly, dating her. He really is my hero. Runningbacks MJD and Steven Jackson are the perfect for duo for this league format which rewards backs who are threats in the passing game as well. Throw in a point per reception and both of these guys are 10 point minimums each week. Granted Arian Foster won't always have a week like he did against the Colts, but he's part of a very good offense and gives this team a 4th or 5th consistent 10 point per week player (not counting the QB). This team is scary good.

You Punt! (1-1) vs. The I.F.F. (2-0)

Defiant You Punt! looks to hand the International Frenchperson's Federation it's first loss of the season. Philly's favorite son (for the week) Michael Vick looks to run and throw all over against the Jaguars this week to show he is a legitimate fantasy threat. Top real life WR DeSean "Still no one has forgotten how I spiked the ball at the 1" Jackson joins him on the team to combine for a synergy bonus (not as much as in previous years however, when QB completions were point awarded). Previously mentioned for their own reasons, Miles Austin and Terrible Owens round out the passing attack. The rushing yards will look to come from flex play San Diego's Mike Tolbert who will be replacing Ryan Matthews this week, time share back Ricky Williams of the Dolphins and the often banged up Clinton Portis. As well of course as from Vick since I still don't believe he's that good of a passer. TE Vernon Davis continues to be an awesome freak of nature who I wish I could trade bodies with, and not just because unlike Jaguars QB David Garrard and myself he doesn't suffer from a sucky gastrointestinal disorder. Anyway, Davis is both a constant red zone target and security blanket for his team's quarterback Alex Smith, who in his 6th year is trying to prove he's still better than Jamarcus Russell, David Carr, Ryan Leaf and all of the other greats.
Currently sitting in 1st place, with an impressive victory over Dingleberry in week 2 is newcomer the I.F.F. I have no idea what that stands for, and don't care as I've already decide to create a new meaning for it each week. Now how did a federation of stinky frenchmen make it to the top of the standings? Easy - Chris Johnson is good (no shit) and Jay Cutler is currently playing like a quarterback not named Jay Cutler. Can he sustain it? For the sake of my money league team, I hope so. Johnson was slowed down last week by the Steelers and that really means nothing because that's a tough defense. Also, they got behind early causing Vince Young to throw the ball and as usually happens, results in Kerry Collins entering the game. But back to Frenchy over here. The Philidelphia duo of WR Jeremy Maclin and LeSean McCoy should also be given credit for the teams success as they have already combined for 6 TDs. Throw in another 3 from TE Antonio Gates and you can see that this team likes the endzone as much as I like a red-head in tight black leather (Scarlett Johanssen in Iron Man 2, available on DVD and Blu-Ray Tuesday, September 28th. My mom's birthday. Happy Birthday Mom.) The team is good all around and with the Ravens defense as their anchor, they are built for the long haul.


Greenzone (1-1) vs. NomNomNom (2-0)

Ah, the yearly cousins battle. The Greenzone, currently at 1-1 looks to knock his younger cousin from the ranks of the unbeatens this week. At his disposal QB Philip Rivers, who I heard has yet to start complaining this season and a group of talented, yet nicked up receivers. Marques Colston of the Saints is healthy but Pierre Garcon (remember he's from Haiti) and Steve Breaston are not. Breaston another Cardinal hurt by the fact that Kurt Warner retired and helped by the trading of Matt Leinart to a modeling agency for a 3-D TV and a blu-ray player. Running back Frank Gore has put the team on his back, much like in real life, and is showing that he is a top 5 (or better) fantasy back. DeAngelo Williams of Carolina should be a good compliment but is struggling along with the rest of his team. Is this the week he gets things together, does something productive and becomes the MVP of this Family Feud? Cardinals RB Tim Hightower is listed at the flex and if Beanie Wells is out again he is capable of a good game against the Raiders. The ace in the whole for the Greenzone will be the Packers defense, who play on Monday night while all of NomNomNom is comfortably in a food coma.
This season NomNomNom is coming at you from the Central Time Zone! No more 10am kick-off times for this guy, no no. A trio of talented receivers is what this team brings to the table - Steve Smith (Panthers), Andre Johnson and Calvin Johnson - three guys capable of big games every week. Unfortunately, two of them are operating without a net or a competent quarterback as Smith will be breaking in rookie QB Jimmy Clausen and Megatron has lost the emerging Matthew Stafford. Andre Johnson however remains the best receiver in the game and since he's not on my team this year, his QB, Matt Schaub will remain healthy. In the backfield are Jahvid Best and Ahmad Bradshaw, two of only a very few starting runningbacks who don't have to worry about the team's #2 back. Yeah that's right I'm saying it, Brandon Jacobs is this years LaDanian Tomlinson. Drafted higher than he should because he's 'fantasy dead'. This Mike Williams guy on Tampa Bay is at the flex and having a good season so far despite the fact I have no idea who he is. I guess that's what I get for shunning college football.

And in our game of the week:

#3 Pussies (2-0) vs. #5 Stay Puft (1-1)

So far this season no one has been able to lick the Pussies.
I'll give you a minute to recover from that one.

Dallas QB Tony Romo (playing for the appropriate team in this league) has struggled early on in the season and has had to rely on the supporting cast to keep the team unbeaten considering his real life team is currently very beaten. (And I'm loving it). Runningbacks Ray Rice and Rashard Mendalbaum, (louder) Mendalbaum, (louder) Mendalbaum, (loudest) Mendenhall have also yet to get fully going but have the talent to elevate this team even higher in the standings. Flex player, Pierre Thomas can add extra firepower to the arsenal with the loss of Reggie Bush, although it remains to be seen how Sean Payton will alter the game plan without the guy we once thought should have been drafted ahead of Mario Williams. Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Anyway, the receivers are the soft underbelly of this beast and may eventually lead to a downfall should Romo and the runningbacks not get in gear soon. But for now the pussies are primed to come out on top.
Everyone's favorite misunderstood movie villain is hoping to... for the sake for small children and the decency of everyone involved I won't continue that thought.
Stay Puft is lead by Houston QB Matt Schaub and his ridiculous passing statistics. Seriously, last week the guy threw for almost 500 yards. Just like in real life he's got plenty of weapons around him, starting with Colts WR Reggie Wayne and emerging NYGiants superstar receiver Hakeem 'the Dream, not Stevie" Nicks. Mike Wallace, usually gets 1 big piece in 60 Minutes (let me know if that one was too subtle) but typically it's the most memorable. At running back is Adrian Peterson, who despite not being a very talented pass catcher can still run the ball better than 99.9% of the league. His backfield mate, Ronnie Brown is currently not injured yet and waiting to face me so that he can put up 5 TDs before leaving in the first quarter of the following week's game with a season ending injury. Cheers to you Ronnie Brown. The Miami Defense doesn't get much press but here's all you need to know in support of my "they're good" claim - 4th and goal from the 1, in a one possession game, they stop Adrian Peterson for the 4th straight time. Maybe that's the secret of Stay Puft's success.

Alright everyone, a belated good luck this season. Remember to stay active, have fun and of course, don't tell the wifey this is why you can't go with her to her mother's on Sunday.

Oh and one more time for those too lazy to click the link:

Wes Welker is THE GREAT WHITE HOPE. (Rich wanna trade him?) O:-)

IcelandAir good, Iceland not so much

On my way back from London I once again flew IcelandAir, to keep costs low. The airline is fantastic, providing great entertainment options and plenty of legroom. The in-flight entertainment system features about 10 movies which you can select to start at your own convenience, as well as several TV shows. I like this a lot better than the DirectTV option in terms of convenience, although, of course it does mean less variety. Fortunately for me both times I've flown on IcelandAir the selection has been great. On my flight from Heathrow to Keflavik International, I watched the Alvin and the Chipmunks sequel (I'm not proud of it, but I was curious to see what songs they would use/the treatment of the Chipettes, etc. since I was a fan of the cartoon back in the day) and the pilot episode of Glee (because I wanted to see what all the hype was about). That basically kept me occupied during the 3 hour flight.

Then I landed in Iceland, at Keflavik International airport, which, the in-flight entertainment system informed me won best airport in Europe in 2008. Just like the claim that Portland's airport made about winning such an award, I had to wonder, what jackass is voting in this competition? The airport absolutely sucks.
You exit the gate and immediately are forced onto line for passport inspection. Yeah that's normal, except you'd expect a little bit more room to maneuver. You litterally exit the gate and are on the line. There are 4 or 5 other gates with passengers trying to board a plane and it gets crammed and crowded pretty quickly. Once you make it through that checkpoint you have about zero options other than to proceed through another passport checkpoint in order to get your connecting flight gate. Great. Through that and there was a pair of non-police or customs officials with a little table forcing us to show our passports for inspection again - 10 seconds after the Icelandic border patrol just checked it! Okay that was annoying, but I powered on... to the 1 eatery I had access to in the entire airport. It's not a restaurant, it's not a fast food counter, it's 2 commercial refigerators with drinks, a case with a couple of shrink wrapped pre-made sandwiches and a small rotating warming tray with some horrible looking dish that was claimed to be pizza. After a fairly expensive and mostly inedible meal I lined up at the gate where my passport and boarding pass were checked again. However this time we couldn't get to the gate, it was up an escalator that was blocked off. So, the entire flight was then cramped into a small room next to an escalator that was roped off. Once it was opened it was a free-for-all to get on the plane. No organization or anything.

Back on the plane and I tuned in to watch 'Date Night' the Tina Fey and Steve Carrell movie. It was alright. I planned on watching 'Little Miss Sunshine', and then wrapping up with 'Die Hard' (great movie for a plane ride. Die Hard 2 of course, is a horrible choice) but exhaustion caught up so I took a nap. I woke up and programmed a 40 song playlist featuring the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix, Queen and Eric Clapton which, with a few sporadic naps, got me safely to JFK. Flashed my passport a few times, explained I was studying abroad and I was back in the US of A, and it was good to be home.

The hour and a half of traffic to get over the Whitestone Bridge however, was not.

The long road home

It started the other night, when we all hugged Jess goodbye before heading into another bar. She was the first of the 5 to go.

We made it through the weekend and then this morning with one last "Bob Hug" we said goodbye to Julie.

And then there were 3.

I'm leaving Saturday morning, on my way back to the U.S. Back to N.Y. Back to the familiarity of the doctor's office.

They'll be in San Francisco and Stockholm. I'll be at home.

For 3 months we've been about as close as family. We've lived and worked together and had good times and some times that were slightly less fun, thanks to health and just the random issues that pop up in life.
Through it all though we made our way with smiles on our faces and some pretty damn fine advertising for our books.

It was the best of times, it was the greatest of times. It was our tale of this city.