OchoTO: Week 5

So here we are at Week 5 and one thing is abundantly clear - my team is not very good. Looking down the schedule it's possible we can win 1-3 games depending on injuries and bye week luck. I'm not sure what act of hubris I committed that angered the Fantasy Football Gods so, but it's apparent that this season will be my punishment.
Case in point - first time we've ever had a cap on weekly moves, 5 per week. I'm fine with it, in fact I'm in favor of it. Except that on Wednesday (the day the waiver period ends and players make it to free agency) I had to use a move in order to get a fill in WR since Randy Moss and the Patriots are on their bye week. Correction, the Patriots are on their bye week. The next day Moss is traded to Minnesota, effectively burning 20% of my moves for the week. Greeeeeeeaat. As if my team isn't struggling enough. Anyway, enough with the whining - I tell ya these things are much easier to write when you're winning and can just make fun of everyone else's team.

Since we start at the bottom, I'm leading off again this week:

Where's My D-fense? (0-4) vs. Pussies (3-1)

As mentioned, Moss is back in the lineup, now with a new team. Greg Jennings and Dwayne Bowe are still with their old teams rounding out a trio of big name receivers with little production on the season. Reason #1 this team is so bad - as evidence by the fact that K Matt Nugent has more points on the season than both Bowe and Moss. At quarterback Joe Flacco comes off a great real life showing against the Pittsburgh Steelers. He was benched in fantasy, for good reason and now back in the saddle looks to prove that he isn't Reason #2 this team is so bad. Although the 5 INT game in week 2 still lingers. At running back Jonathan Stewart is benched again, despite a flukey TD last week as rookie QB Jimmy Clausen ran for his life and found that no one had bothered to cover the #2 running back 30 yards downfield. His lack of overall production on the season, nabs Stewart Reason #3 and a spot on the bench where he will join "great pre-season sleepers" and Reasons #4 and #5, RBs Jerome Harrison and Justin Forsett. Forsett was beginning to show signs of turning things around, however, with Seattle trading for former #1 Bills running back Marshawn Lynch, it seems as though Forsett has earned #5.
On the other side of the ball, the Pussies are coming off of their first loss of the season. A loss that was so bad, they were knocked from 2nd place to 5th place because of points (they only accumulated 66 last week). Cowboy's QB Tony Romo returns after his bye week to take the reigns from the disaster that was Derek Anderson and fans of the Pussies couldn't be happier. The team is still shaky at wide receiver with Mike Sims-Walker, Santana Moss and Johnny Knox - especially after the Bears have lost QB Jay Cutler with a concussion this week (which severely limits Knox's value) and Jaguar's RB MJD returning to form against the Colts (encouraging the team to hand it to him and not throw it to Sims-Walker). In the running game Ray Rice really needs to get on track or he could be Reason #1 why the Pussies aren't as good as they should be. His runningmate this week will be Tampa Bay's Cadillac Williams - remember him? Highly sought after out of college, was teammates with Ronnie Brown and has done just about nothing except get hurt and be a disappointment in the NFL. But he still cashes a really big check. Perhaps this week he'll help get the Pussies back on top. Most likely though it will be TE Dallas Clark who carries the load and helps the Pussies avoid an embarrassing loss to Where's My D-fense?

Weinenators (1-3) vs. Wide Right (2-2)

The Weinenators come into this matchup 3 men down as projected starters Hines Ward, Stephen Grostowski and the Pittsburgh defense all have the week off. Of the remaining players on the roster, Jets QB Mark Sanchez has looked good each of the previous two weeks and has an opportunity to solidify "start every week" status this week against a tough Vikings team. WRs Steve Smith (Giants) and Kevin Walter will be facing off against each other in real life this week, and the Weinenators can only hope that each guy tries to one up the other on Sunday. Running backs Michael Turner and Beanie Wells will each go against defenses that can be run on, however, in Wells' case it's likely that the Saints will drop 30 on Arizona before they know who won the opening coin toss and the Cardinals will have to all but abandon the running game. Beanie's best chance may be for the Cards to get the opening kick off and then score a rushing TD on their first drive before the Saints get the ball and put the game out of reach. TE Dustin Keller has been impressive all season long, emerging as one of the best pass catching tight ends in the game. However, with the return of WR Santonio Holmes, will Sanchez still be looking for Keller?
Wide Right won last week to even up their record at 2-2 and now looks to get their head above the .500 mark. QB Drew Brees will likely be swinging the ball all over the field against a weak Cardinals secondary as the Saints are again without starting RB Pierre Thomas. I was thinking of making a "French-surrender" joke there but couldn't get it to sound write and ultimately abandoned it. Maybe next week if Pee Air misses a third straight week. Anyway, the receivers on this side of the ball are a couple of great possession receivers all with their own problems - mainly quarterbacks you've never heard of. Larry Fitzgerald will be receiving pass from Max Hall (and I totally had to look that up on ESPN.com) while Louis Murphy seems to have fallen out of favor with Bruce Gradkowski the past few weeks in favor of TE Zach Miller. Fortunately, he plays for Wide Right as well. The running backs will new Redskins starter Ryan Torain and Houston backup Steve Slaton. Slaton is an interesting story as he lead the Texans in rushing yards a few years ago as a rookie, but has since been completely pushed to the back of the line because of new rookie Arian Foster. And with Derrick Ward (currently #3 on the Houston depth chart) facing off against his old team, will Slaton get any carries at all?

AnyGivenSunday (1-3) vs. The I.F.F. (4-0)

The only girl in the league takes on the only undefeated team left in what should be a good matchup. Sunday is lead by QB Aaron Rodgers who continues to put up great numbers each week despite not throwing more than 5 passes towards WR Greg Jennings. Sunday's WRs, Chad Ochocinco and Jabar Gaffney have been overshadowed by their real-life teammates (T.O. and Eddie Royal/Brandon Lloyd/Demaryus Thomas) and now Percy Harvin may be in line for the same treatment now that Randy Moss is back in town. However, this takes pressure off of Harvin, a second year player not really cut-out to be the teams #1 pass catching threat with Sidney Rice injured and Bernard Berrian sucking, a lot. On the ground, fantasy zombie LaDanian Tomlinson continues to impress each week looking like the LT of old, to the point that I"m sure a few people in the Chargers organization have asked each other in the restroom "seriously, how the hell is he doing that? He couldn't do shit for us last year." And with the injury to Michael Vick last week, Brent Celek, as well as loyal dog owners everywhere outside of Philadelphia got exactly what they wanted. Celek now gets a QB who will be looking for him in the middle of the field and he looks to erase a slow start to the season.
Meanwhile the Incredibly Flatulent Farters continue to leave the rest of the league in a cloud of smoke. At least I hope that's smoke. With regular QB Jay Cutler out with a concussion, the man he was traded for (and who is having a better season than he is) Kyle Orton will step in and try to keep things running smoothly as he faces a tough Baltimore defense. He will get some help from his group of emerging receivers - Roddy White, Jeremy Maclin and Malcom Floyd. Perhaps because he plays in Atlanta, few people are aware of how crazy good Roddy White's stats are. I'll admit they surprised me as I had written him off as a flash in the pan a few seasons ago. His consistency is impressive and now that the Falcons have a cornerstone quarterback (Matt Ryan) in place, it's easy to believe that White will be a dominant receiver for years to come. Overall #1 pick Chris Johnson has faced some tough opponents recently and as a result is not leading the league in rushing yards. While that is the case, status lie, he's still the best running back in the NFL which is why the I.F.F. hasn't tried to deal him. This week he gets a Dallas defense that I personally would love to see him shred like rookie Randy Moss did on Thanksgiving all those years ago. TE Antonio Gates and flex Jamaal Charles are also looking for big games this week as they face defense's that aren't particularly good at covering their respective positions.

You Punt! (1-3) vs. The Battery Lasted (1-3)

You Punt! doesn't have very many "big" names on their roster - outside of T.O. - but they do have some quality players who are capable of contributing and getting this team a victory. QB David Garrard isn't flashy, high profile or a big time scorer but he doesn't make mistakes that often. He also suffers from the same ailment that I do, so I really can't say anything bad about him since the last thing I can imagine doing with Crohn's is playing pro football. WRs Miles Austin and DeSean Jackson are, now that T.O. is not in the NFC East anymore, my 2 least favorite receivers in the NFC, so I can't really say anything objective other than the Yahoo projections suggest that they're decent players and could be valuable on Sunday. RB Mike Tolbert isn't supposed to be the #1 back for the Chargers, but after consecutive weeks of scoring a TD and running well, it would seem hard for them to completely hand the workload back to Ryan Matthews this week. Ladell Betts is one of the biggest beneficiaries of the Pierre Thomas injury and he'll get a good share of the Saints carries against the previously insulted Cardinals defense. And look out for the Falcon's defense as a surprise difference maker in this matchup as they face the Cleveland Browns. Jake Delhomme may start (he's had 5 INT games before) or else Seneca Wallace will be under center (and he's Seneca Wallace) giving the dirty birds a chance to do damage on D.
Last week the Battery almost outlasted DingleberrySanders. After a week of recharging they look to notch a W. QB Peyton Manning didn't have much room to operate last week as the Jaguars controlled time of possession by running on the Colts. This week he'll face a Chiefs team capable of doing the same thing. Manning will again have to be efficient since he may not have the opportunity to throw over 350 yards he'll have to avoid turnovers and put up a few TDs to give his team a good opening. Anquan Boldin continues to be the WR that the Ravens hoped he was, and this week against a non-Steelers defense should find the end zone as well as putting up over 100 yards (and not just because I have him in another league). Eddie Royal of the Broncos may be the team's leading receiver this week. Or he may be after Brandon Lloyd. Or Jabar Gaffney. Or Demariyus Thomas. It's anyone's guess really, although conventional logic would suggest that Royal is the one who will have the best performance on Sunday. Speaking of Chargers RB Ryan Matthews, the Battery Lasted is playing him, giving both owners reason to sit really close to the screen and try to determine which back is getting the carry each time that Philip Rivers hands the ball off and screaming when it's the other guy's guy. Should be fun.

Stay Puft (2-2) vs. NomNomNom (3-1)

The Marshmallowed Marauders are seeking to get on the plus side of .500 this week. QB Matt Schaub has had an up and down season so far thanks to injuries to star WR Andre Johnson and the emergence of Arian Foster and a top notch run game. This week he'll face a Giants D which embarrassed Jay Cutler by sacking him more than a potato and then rang his bell, knocking him out of the game. This may make Stay Puft a little nervous going into the game. But if Schaub can deliver a decent game the rest of his team can make up for it, with WRs Hakeem Nicks and Reggie Wayne both having fantastic seasons so far. Wayne was projected to decline this year - hasn't and Nicks was supposed to become more active in the Giants passing game, although he wasn't necessarily expected to become Eli Manning's favorite target and lead the team in TDs. Running backs Adrian Peterson and Brandon Jacobs are a difference in styles: Peterson runs well, keeps his helmet on and is a focal point of his team's offense. Jacobs is the opposite of all those. TE Todd Heap is one of my favorites and is being mentioned here only for that reason. Meanwhile, flex play Thomas Jones is having more of an impact this season than many expected. Then again, the undefeated Chiefs are having more of an impact this season than many expected, so I suppose it's fitting.
Last week NomNomNom handed the Pussies their first defeat, and this week look to chow down on Stay Puft. QB Carson Palmer remains the starter due to Matthew Stafford's injury. You have to wonder if/when this move will catch up to the team as there are several better QBs available. Regardless, the dynamic duo of WRs Johnson and Johnson (Andre and Calvin) have more than enough talent to make up for sub-par quarterback play. Hell, it's what they do. Andre is still banged up but has started to undergo sci-fi esque treatments in order to improve his healing. Personally I think he should just get himself injected with anti-bodies from Wolverine's blood and then he'd have a mutant healing factor and be virtually indestructible. Who knows, maybe after he signs his next contract extension. On the ground Ahmad Bradshaw will go head-to-head against his backup in the Mike Tolbert/Ryan Matthews scenario described earlier, except this battle is likely to be more one sided. NomNomNom's other runners - Peyton Hillis and Jahvid Best should be the difference in this contest as both are solid #1 backs on their teams and in line to get a plethora of touches this week. My prediction is for NomNomNom to feast again this week.

And now, our game of the week. It's brother vs. brother. Silver vs. Ag

#3 GreenZone (3-1) vs. #2 DingleBarrySanders (3-1)

The Greenzone is fresh off their impressive display of power in crushing helpless Where's My D-fense? last week. In this brother battle they'll ask QB Philip Rivers to be at his best and run up the score on division rivals the Oakland Raiders so that they can earn Mommy and Daddy's love. However, the air combat is suspect with WRs Marques Colston and Brandon Lloyd. The enigma of the Denver passing game and who will emerge as the number 1 target each week has already been covered extensively and as such hurts Lloyd. Colston on the other hand is the number 1 receiver on the Saints. The problem however is that Drew Brees will throw to 400 different people and the TDs will go to whoever is open at the time, meaning Colston, despite superior skills, is just as likely to score as anyone else. The 3rd receiver is Steve Johnson of Buffalo. That's all I know about him. On the ground both Frank Gore and DeAngelo Williams are currently experiencing really bad seasons, as are their teams, who have combined for 2 moral victories when each team almost beat the Saints. The 49ers fired their offensive coordinator a few weeks ago, so Gore may see his productivity increase. Likewise for the Panthers, star wide receiver Steve Smith is injured giving QB Jimmy Clausen no one to throw to, so Williams may be the whole offense for the team this week. The GreenZone will need another strong performance from TE Jermichael Finely if they hope to keep it close against younger brother this week.
Meanwhile DingleBarrySanders looks to establish dominance in the family by toppling their older sibling. Lead by QB Eli Manning and one of his older brother's favorite targets, Austin Collie, youth looks to be served. But regardless of younger Manning and anyone in the passing game, the real strength of DingleBarrySanders (as you could probably guess with that name) is the running game. I don't think that any team in the league has a trio of players that can compete with: Maurice Jones-Drew, Steven Jackson and Arian Foster. This week they have some good looking match ups as MJD faces the can't stop the run Bills, Jackson faces the Lions and although looking good against the Bears last week, Foster faces a Giants team that was run on by Joseph Addai. Between the three of them, I say they put up 70 - 90 points this week, rendering the rest of the team pretty much irrelevant.

Here we go, it's week number 5. Maybe I can get one in the win column. Oh wait, I'm counting on Mike Bell and T.J. Houshmandzadeh, forget it.