Ocho TO: Week 8

The universe is more resilient than I thought. A week after Where's My D-fense? notched it's first victory of the season, by knocking off the #2 seed no less, the universe remains in tact and not ripped at the seams as previously hypothesized. So with the future of everything safe for at least one more week, we make our way into November, the month of turkey, holiday shopping and football on the occassional Thursday. Yeah, not going to do an over done Halloween themed column.

AnyGivenSunday (1-6) vs. Where's My D-fense? (1-5-1)

The new bottom of the standings takes on the former doormat this week, in everyone's favorite bickering couple battle. Sunday looks to regain her preferred spot (on top) with a win this week. QB Aaron Rodgers will face a daunting Jets defense this week, and without a running game expect the Jets to lock in on shutting down receivers Greg Jennings and Donald Driver so that they can rush Rodgers continuously. On the surface the wide receivers all appear to have great matchups this week, however, after last week's debacle against the Raiders, is it safe to assume that Jabar Gaffney and the Denver passing game will have any success in London? And while Percy Harvin faces a young and inexperienced New England secondary that gives up the big play - he may be dealing with Tavaris Jackson under center. As for Chad Ochocinco, he has Carson Palmer as his quarterback, who only had a good game last week because I faced him in 2 leagues. So this week he goes back to not being very good. The running back situation is solid and TE Brandon Pettigrew should get a boost from the return of Matthew Stafford.
Celebrating their first victory of the season, Where's My D-fense? would love to create something the others in the league call "a winning streak". It won't be easy this week with QB Joe Flacco on a bye, so young Chad Henne was brought in as a spot starter. The receivers, Randy Moss and Greg Jennings have each played well the past 2 weeks, however Jennings is sure to be left out on Revis island while Moss may be suffering from the same Tavaris Jackson problem as Harvin. If Moss where still a bright eyed youngster it wouldn't be an issue (he made Daunte Culpepper look capable), but we all know that the older Moss has no time for over exerting himself. Additional pass catchers Danny Amendola and Nate Burleson will have easier matchups since they aren't #1s on their team, but could do some heavy damage if they can horde in the catches. RB Jonathan Stewart is getting the start only because real life teammate DeAngelo Williams is hurt and Matt Forte is on a bye. It remains to be seen who his backfield running mate will be on Sunday.

Weinenators (2-5) vs. Pussies (5-2)

The Weinenators are looking for a third win this season, which with some good fortune, could put them back into playoff contention. QB Mark Sanchez continues to be very good at not turning the ball over, yet has not had a breakout fantasy game. In a game projected to be as close as this one is, perhaps the Sanchize's slow and steady pace is the key to a win. WR Hines Ward is enjoying a bump thanks to the return of Bad Ben in Pittsburgh, while it may sound crazy but Roy E. Williams may experience the same thing now that Jon Kitna is taking over for Tony Romo in Dallas. Remember, these two played together in Detroit and it has not been reported that Kitna has the same man love for Jason Witten that Romo does. Meanwhile Kevin Walter remains in the shadow of Andre Johnson and Arian Foster in Houston, so it'll be interesting to see how many touches he gets on Monday Night against the Colts, since the only way this game should be a blow out is if Houston is on top. Running backs Marion Barber and Beanie Wells shouldn't be expected to do much this week, so let's shift our focus to TE Dustin Keller. Keller is a top 5 tight end this season and should have some room to operate in the middle of the field with Santonio Holmes and Braylon Edwards occupying the sidelines in the Jets passing attack. A solid running game will keep the linebackers up, meaning that Keller should be able to get behind them for space at an 8-15 yard clip.
Pussies could use another win like I could use a new digestive system. Quarterback remains an issue as Matt Cassel is the only signal caller on the roster. Perhaps they should explore trading with a team who has a few extras, such as Where's My D-fense? Correction: Just noticed Josh Freeman on the bench. Anyway, the team is vulnerable this week as WRs are again lacking. Mike Sims-Walker is hit or miss no matter who the Jags QB is and Johnny Knox is a deep threat on a team with no offensive line and a QB who enjoys throwing the ball to the other team to show that he's not scared of them. Brilliant. With the Ravens on their bye this week, Rashard Mendenhall will have to carry the load all on his own, although it could be said he's been doing that all season as Ray Rice has been a disappointment. Flex play Dez Bryant had an outstanding game last Monday Night against the Giants in what amounted to garbage time, but fantasy points are fantasy points and if he can duplicate his performance this week it may put the Pussies on a pedestal.

Winning my $$ League (2-5) vs. Wide Right (4-3)

Peyton Manning certainly has his work cut out for him now that TE Dallas Clark is out for the season. How much of a hit will this be to Winning my $$ League's QB remains to be seen. Afterall, he is Peyton Manning. If he is in need of assistance from his teammates though, looking over the roster he isn't going to be thrilled with his options. Best hopes seem to be WR Nate Washington and TE Jason Witten, although no one is sure what sort of rapport Witten and new QB Jon Kitna have. As for Washington, he will have to coral wild passes from Vince Young. And if the Titans do make the move to Kerry Collins, he's already made it clear that he favors former Rutger's Scarlett Knight Kenny Britt. The flex spot remains open and Winning my $$ League could make an early morning move tomorrow as there isn't a need to hold on to 3 defenses.
Wide Right is currently enjoying their most successful season that I can remember. After a surviving a decision to bench Darren McFadden last week, the team is over .500 and in playoff position. Well this week McFadden is in along with Ryan Torrain and Knowshon Moreno. I suspect 2 of the three will be the focal points of the offense this week, but if all 3 get clicking it could be a big win for Wide Right. QB Drew Brees is struggling heading into a matchup with the Steelers on Halloween Night, but he potentially has his 2009 Drew Brees costume in his closet and can break it out for a special one night only "what the hell?" type performance. Still he'll need help from WRs Mike Williams and Larry Fitzgerald. A contribution from Michael Crabtree would be like getting a king-sized Twix bar in your trick-or-treat bag, you're not counting on it but it'll make your night.

You PUNT! (2-5) vs. Stay Puft (3-3-1)

Just barely in the playoffs vs just barely on the outside. You PUNT! is the team trying to make their way in, lead by QB Matt Hasselbeck who know has a bit of an offense thanks to the acquisition of Marshawn Lynch. Against an Oakland team Hasselbeck should be able to provide more pop than his projected 12 points. Still, he won't be able to do it on his own and will need significant contributions from WRs Terrible Owens and Miles Austin. The duo's QB issues have been previously described so I won't reiterate that it's a shaky proposition to rely on these guys. The running situation isn't any better however, as Ricky Williams and C.J. Spiller are both backups who may see a very limited number of carries. Hope comes in the form of tight ends Vernon Davis and Mercedes Lewis, two security blankets for whatever quarterback is unfortunate enough to be under center for their teams. In Davis' case however, it's unlikely that he's taken many reps with Troy Smith. Still, his first name is Troy and not Alex, so it's possible that he's smart enough to get the ball to Davis.
Let's be honest, Halloween is the holiday for Stay Puft. Despite being perfectly mediocre record-wise, this is their week, and the projections show that. QB Matt Schaub may be in for a shootout on Monday Night with Peyton Manning, or he may just need to do a little to get his team the win and let the other guys go nuts. WR Mike Wallace is glad to have Roethlisberger back, as he's scored in each of the games since Ben's return. Kenny Britt is an emerging start at wideout and Reggie Wayne may be Peyton's only reliable weapon left. RBs Adrian Peterson and Ronnie Brown face defenses they can exploit and TE Owen Daniels may have some success if the Colts can't get their pass rush into high gear. Flex play Thomas Jones could be a starting back for any other team, just to give you an idea of how ready to explode this team is this week.

DingleBarrySanders (4-3) vs. NomNomNom (5-2)

The family is at it again, as DingleBarry takes on his older cousin. Bad Ben is in at quarterback while Eli is taking the week off, and he inherits a spoil of riches. WRs Brandon Marshall and Wes Welker to go along with a strong running game. Marshall is in prime position for a good week against a depleted Cincy secondary and no pass rush up front. Wes Welker has had his production decrease significantly since Randy Moss was moved out of town, but after a few weeks to adjust you have to figure that Belicheck has as way to get him back flowing in the offense. MJD is having a disappointing season and it probably won't get any better against the Cowboys. While the G-men were able to run on Dallas last week, the Jags offensive line is nowhere near as good. Steven Jackson will go for St. Louis against the Panther's despite being injured, again. But like always, he's playing. And the player to keep your eyes on? At the flex it's Arian Foster looking to run all over the Colts again.
Despite losing to previously always beaten Where's My D-fense? last week, NomNomNom remains in 2nd place. They look to rebound this week with the help of a loaded passing game featuring Steve Smith (Car), Andre Johnson, Davonne Bess and flex play Calvin Johnson. Each is a number 1, except for Bess who usually just contributes 5+ catches a game anyway. With so much talent on the outside it almost doesn't matter that Carson Palmer is their quarterback. The running game is centered around Jahvid Best who should have some running room against Washington now that Matthew Stafford is back at quarterback. Shonn Greene may seem some increased touches this week against a solid Packer's defense as the Jets have had 2 weeks to prepare and may begin to try to save LT for the post-season. KC TE Tony Moeaki is having an impressive rookie season and with the sudden re-emergence of Dwayne Bowe in the passing game, Moeaki should see less quality coverage, giving him a chance to fact highly in the Chiefs passing game.

And finally, our GAME OF THE WEEK:

#3 GreenZone (5-2) vs. #1 The I.F.F. (7-0)

The GreenZone can make a huge statement this week if they can knock off the current #1. Philip Rivers will be throwing all day, both because the Titans are solid against the run and because that's all he does anyway. The passing game includes WRs Dwayne Bowe and Pierre Garcon whose value is on the rise as well as Brandon Lloyd and Marques Colston who's value may have peaked already. However, if all 4 players can put in a quality effort this week, it may be enough to add the first blemish to the I.F.F. RB Frank Gore is currently looking for a running partner as Panther's back DeAngelo Williams is unlikely to play this week against the Rams. Personal favorite TE Heath Miller is just another of the Steelers who is getting the Bad Ben bump since the return of the team's quarterback. A favorite target for years he's a vital piece to perhaps one of the most balanced offenses in the NFL. This week, his contributions could lead his fantasy team further up the standings.
The Indefinable Franken Furter (hey, it's Halloween) remains unbeaten for now, however with their top two receivers on bye this week, will the current #1 make some early morning moves to keep the win streak alive, or will they take the loss and try not to disturb team chemistry? So that leaves WR Patrick Crayton all alone with the receiving duties this week. Kyle Orton showed signs of coming back down to Earth last week and the poor play of his team has the local fans clamoring for the rookie Tim Teabow. Could it be that the people of Denver deal the most damaging blow to the top seeded team by having his quarterback replaced? With Jay Cutler waiting on the bench that can't be a comfortable position for the I.F.F. to be in. Running backs Chris Johnson, Michael Bush and Jamaal Charles will have to shoulder the burden if the team goes into the game this week with only one pass catcher. Fortunately those are 3 solid backs. Unless Darren McFadden goes nuts again and Bush has to watch it all from the bench. TE Antonio Gates is still hampered by a foot injury which may limit his production, creating an ere of a perfect storm coming together to topple the I.F.F.'s run at perfection.

Just a quick announcement, there likely won't be a preview next week as I'll be in the hospital recuperating from surgery on Tuesday. So, feel free to look over your team's week 9 matchup and make pithy little comments about it to yourself, while I lay in bed hopefully with a supply of pain killers.

Newly thought thoughts on language

I'm not a linguist, nor a stickler for grammar, although I do abhor poorly spelled and confusing emails, text messages and IMs. It's no secret that one of the horrible side-effects of the internet and the constantly in-touch environment it's created is the assault on language. From IM speak, the DrEaDeD 14 year old girl misuse of capitalization and so much more, it's clear that whether or not people are actually dumber on the whole than they used to be, they sound it.
I'll be honest, and you can call it snobbish or elitist if you like, but when I get a piece of electronic communication, either text or email or IM, and it has spelling mistakes and bad grammar, I see it as a negative reflection on the person. Now maybe that was beaten into me by Google, since as "customer support" i.e. non-outsourced tech support over email, we were held to very high standards of grammar, but I'd like to think that my position was already developing organically without their glossaries and style guides. That said, I do owe them thanks for their monitoring and reviewing to ensure the quality of my work.
I recently spent some time in London, a land known for it's accents, "proper-ness" and great writing. Shakespeare, Neil Gaiman, Alan Moore, Agatha Christie, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and more (Dickens intentionally left out because of "Great Expectations"). While studying there with friends, neither art director nor writer alike could resist the urge to examine our own speech patterns, the words we choose, the flow and pace of our sentences and the style in which it is all presented in. It was truly a revelation to hear things said in a way that makes them sound more important and wondrous than they really are. It's a great power to be able to engage someone in the mundane, simply with the way you frame it.

When it comes down to it, that's why I decided to become a writer.

Last night I was watching an old black and white movie, "The Dead of Night" with my mother on Turner Classic Movies. It was remarkable to listen to the dialogue, both narrative to move the plot along as well as the more interesting aspects such as compliments, insults and jokes. I found it inspiring and fascinating and hope to incorporate some phrases or at the very least some of the flow of the dialogue into both my own writing as well as my everyday speech because, truthfully, it just sounds better, classier and has a very attractive style to it.

It beats the hell out of OMG! Did u c the latest Jersey Shore? It'd def be cool to have someone like Snooki as my bff.

Ocho TO: Week 7

Clean out your bank account and take that luxury vacation, buy that sports car you always wanted, use styrofoam and aerosol as much as you want, call that girl from high school and tell her that she will always be the one - because the apocalypse is upon us. Where's My D-fense? came within a tenth of a point from winning a game last week. And if it hadn't been for the trade that sent WR Dwayne Bowe to the GreenZone earlier in the week, every team in the league would have at least 1 win. But almost only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and atom bombs. But don't say I didn't warn you if you awake on Tuesday morning to find yourself face to face with St. Peter, Lucifer or Charles Darwin.

Weinenators (1-5) vs. GreenZone (5-1)

The Weinenators are now all that remains between the GreenZone and king of the family honors, and they don't plan on handing over the crown without a fight. Lead by Brett "Keep it in your Wrangler's" Favre, the passing game has seen an increase, notably in the production of WR Hines Ward, thanks to the return of his sexual deviant quarterback, Bad Ben. The other receivers, Steve Smith (Giants) and Roy Williams will play an important role in this matchup, as they square off on Monday Night. While neither is their QB's primary target, they can each reap the rewards of defense's focusing in on shutting down the other guy. The running game remains a concern. Although Michael Turner has overcome his early season injury to be the focal point of the Falcon's offense the other two runners, Marion Barber and Darren Sproles, have both seen their workload decrease as they have been surpassed by other players on their team. TE Kellen Winslow remains a solid producer and the Steelers defense should provide a stat boost this week against the Dolphins, but will it be enough to prevent the Silver-Weiner Sweep?
The GreenZone continues to roll on their 5 game win streak. Quarterback Philip Rivers continually puts up excellent fantasy numbers despite the fact that he can't help his team win a real game. I suppose it's those types of overrated players that are best suited for winning fantasy teams. It's hard to respect Philip Rivers, or the Chargers, when you've got guys like this supporting the team. Thank you Attack of the Show and mega hottie Candace Bailey. Okay, trying to regain focus. Okay, so the GreenZone is still looking to get some production out of WR Marques Colston. However, since the Saints have been without RB Pierre Thomas you'd have to figure that Colston's best chances of putting up numbers are behind him. And with an excellent performance from backup Chris Ivory last week, the Saints may not need to throw as much any more. Imagine that, a balanced offense. Either way, this means that league leading receiver Brandon Lloyd, and recently acquired Dwayne Bowe will need to pick up the slack. Lloyd is capable of it, but was Bowe's last week a fluke or the start of a re-birth? RBs Franke Gore and Deangelo Williams are talented backs on bad teams with bad quarterbacks. The result, they face defenses' geared on stopping them each week. The good news - their teams face each other this week. So maybe someone will do something productive. And finally, the GreenZone acquired TE Heath Miller to replace injured Jermichael Finley.

AnyGivenSunday (1-5) vs. Wide Right (3-3)

Sunday is looking to rebound this week, much like QB Aaron Rodgers who is coming off a concussion. Sunday night he faces off against the Packers' last QB, now playing for the hated Vikings. The receivers are a bit of a patchwork with Jabar Gaffney, Chad Ochocinco, Robert Meachem and Percy Harvin all fighting for catches within their own team. Of the four, Harvin seems to have found the most consistent niche, as a slot receiver, since Randy Moss came back into town. Meachem remains an inconsistent deep threat and Chad is hampered by both the fact that T.O. is also on the team and that Carson Palmer is not very good. The running game is also a bit spotty. Bengals' RB Cedric Benson can't expect to get much support for Leon Washington who is likely to only see a few plays per game as Justin Forsett and Marshawn Lynch have him burried on the Seahawks depth chart. With Kevin Kolb starting at quarterback for the Eagles again, TE Brent Celek could provide strong production, however it may not be enough to cover the spread if the other receivers can't get involved.
Wide Right is hoping to cross the railroad tracks and get into the winning side of town this week. A win and they move into the winner's neighborhood, with better schools and illegal immigrants to cut their grass. QB Drew Brees has managed to avoid the Madden Curse this year (instead passing it on to Pierre Thomas) and despite his team playing poorly most of the time, Brees' stats remain a big plus for the team. Recievers Michael Crabtree and Mike Williams are beginning to become more incorporated into their respective offenses, while Larry Fitzgerald is still struggling with a nobody under center. I believe Kurt Warner has changed his phone number to prevent Fitzgerald from calling the house any more. I wouldn't be surprised if on the Cardinal's bye week "Uncle Fitz" wasn't there to pick Warner's kids up from school. The running game of Ryan Torrain, Darren McFadden and Knowshon Moreno may be where this matchup is won or lost for Wide Right. Big numbers are projected, however Torrain is an injury risk, McFadden is still battling an injury and has a capable backup and Moreno is coming off an injury, has a decent change of pace back (Buckhalter) and is on a pass first team. These three will need to get 20+ carries each in order to be as effective as necessary to relocate the team.

Winning My $$ League (2-4) vs. The I.F.F. (6-0)

Money can't buy you the feeling of ruing an undefeated season. This week Winning My $$ League will try to cash in on their team's talent and do just that. Donovan McNabb isn't having a stellar season, but his average of 16.78 points a game is certainly something to build on. The team is going pass heavy this week with the inclusion of two of the best pass catching TEs in football, Tony Gonzalez and Jason Witten. Winning My $$ League is hoping each can reach double digits to help supplement WR Anquan Boldin in case Nate Washington and Deon Butler can't get their quarterback's attention. Washington however should have strong-arm Kerry Collins under center instead of Vince Young, so it's reasonable to expect he's more valuable with an experience passer who looks for receivers rather than Young's run first then throw it and pray, style of play. Charger's RB Ryan Matthews has retaken his position as the team's number one back, however against a porous New England secondary his carries may be limited as Rivers will likely throw 40+ times.
The Innocent Fuchsia Farmers remain at the summit of the league. Led by Kyle Orton at quarterback and his ridiculous yards per game average, the I.F.F. looks to come one step closer to securing a playoff spot. Yeah I think it's not too long before they make it official. However they may go into this week short handed as WR Malcolm Floyd has been ruled out of Sunday's game and K Adam Vinatieri will be at home watching on TV. Still, receivers Roddy White and Jeremy Maclin are capable of scoring as much as most teams 3 receivers. On the ground, Chris Johnson faces a defense that isn't great against the run, spelling trouble for opponents real and fantasy alike. Eagles RB LeSean McCoy may see more work as the team is down WR DeSean Jackson who got his bell wrung in on of those controversial hits from last week that we've seen replayed all this week. TE Antonio Gates and flex Jamaal Charles are also expected to have good games this week as the Farmers look to stay perfect on the season.

You PUNT! (2-4) vs. Pussies (4-2)

Definitely going for it on 4th down is lead by Fantasy Football Now co-host Tim Hasselbeck's brother, Matt. He's also known as Elizabeth Hasselbeck's brother-in-law. The receiving corps has recently been upgraded with the acquisitions of former now current Patriot Deion Branch, who seemed right at home with Tom Brady after a few years off, and long time Raven's receiver Derrick Mason. Those two will compliment T.O. who is having somewhat of a resurgence in Cincy, despite the fact that Carson Palmer is his quarterback. RBs Ricky Williams and C.J. Spiller are a pair of backups who figure to get a good share of touches per week. However, with their limited workload You PUNT! will need to start hoping for injuries or that his guys make the most out of each of their few carries. TEs Vernon Davis and Mercedes Lewis can only be as good as their quarterbacks let them. In one case it's Alex Smith and in the other, it's Trent Edwards (the guy who the Bills cut) or a guy making his first ever start. I wouldn't hold my breath on these guys breaking records this week. Unless the Panther's defense can't pressure Smith.
The Pussies are currently in 5th place, however their current point total isn't enough to keep them out of danger, so they'll need to win and score big while doing it. QB Tony Romo, of the 1-4 Cowboys, leads the team into their Monday Night showdown with the Giants. Aside from Romo, the other Pussies are Mike Sims-Walker, Johnny Knox and Santana Moss. Other than Moss, each faces quarterback issues this week. Knox will need to hope that the Bear's offensive line can give QB Jay Cutler enough time to deliver it downfield to Knox on one of his big routes. The running backs aren't Pussies, they just wear the uniform. Ray Rice and Rashard Mendenhall run tough and with each of their teams back at full strength, these run first teams should see their backs getting plenty of touches as their QBs lossen up opposing defenses with the passing game. The Pussies recently lost TE Dallas Clarke for the season but replace him this week with Benjamin Watson, who despite playing in Cleveland, is having a good year. He'll need to put up more points this week to help the Pussies climb in the standings.

Stay Puft (2-3-1) vs. DingleBarrySanders (4-2)

Stay Puft is fresh (get it, it's a pun!) off of their tie last week, where they narrowly avoided being the first victim of Where's My D-fense? This week they try to put the bad thoughts behind them. Lead by team captain Adrian Peterson and his backfield mate, Brandon Jacobs. Acceptance leads to resurrection in Jacob's case as he has rebounded from his prime time tantrum to rebound and contribute to a powerful Big Blue rushing attack. Quarterback Kevin Kolb will look to dissect the Titans secondary using Andy Reid's West Coast offense, while receivers Hakeem Nicks and Mike Wallace look to add to their TD totals this season. 2nd year-er Kenny Britt should also benefit from the change to Collins under center as he is a good route runner, able to get open. All traits that real quarterbacks appreciate and are wasted with a guy like Vince Young at quarterback. TE Todd Heap is tough. A week after taking a big hit from Brandon Merriweather hes' lining up and snapping on the chin strap to go at it again. Flex play Thomas Jones is another big player to watch this week as the Cheifs identity is likely to remain a run first offense.
DingleBarrySanders finds itself with a big fictional lead. Which means nothing. I was going to say "Lead by" but after looking at the roster, this team isn't really lead by anyone, it's just a collection of good players who are consistent and put up quality numbers each week. QB Eli Manning has been solid most of the season, although with the re-emergence of a two headed running attack his services have been needed less often. Recievers Brandon Marshall and Wes Welker are consummate PPR threats, however, since Moss left town it seems as though opponents are keying in on stopping Welker. Maurice Jones Drew is suffering from a bad offensive line and now an injured quarterback, meaning he's the guy opposing defenses are scheming against. That leaves Steven Jackson as possibly the only player this team can unequivocally count own. The duo threat has a great matchup at Tampa Bay and could be the spark the pushes this team through with a W this week. Flex play Donald Driver, formerly known as Brett Favre's favorite receiver, may have a big night against his old quarterback as he and Packers try to defend Lambeau from it's old champion.

Now I know what you're thinking. Each week you start with the worst team and work your way up, but Where's My D-fense wasn't the first preview and they still haven't won a game, what gives? Good observation, and yes the worst team always starts off the column. Unless, they are

THE GAME OF THE WEEK

#12 Where's My D-fense (0-5-1) proj.118.11 vs. #2 NomNomNom (5-1) proj. 116.79

After narrowly missing out on their first victory last week, Where's My D-fense? now believes they have a chance. Looking at the league stats only one team has had more points put up against them this season. So are they victims of bad luck? Are they better than their record suggests? This week they look to prove that they are, and shock the world with an upset of the #2 team. Raven's QB Joe Flacco is facing a not so good Buffalo Bills team and may be in store for either a career day or a short one, if the Raven's over power the Bills quickly and sit on the run game to keep the game short and relatively painless. Last week WR Greg Jennings finally had more than 2 catches, as well as over 100 yards receiving and a TD. If he can duplicate his performance this week, he and Randy Moss may begin to develop into the feared tandem they were predicted to be at the start of the season. And while Dwayne Bowe has moved on to Green(Zone)er pastures, Danny Amendola is a PPR threat as the surprising Rams take on Tampa Bay. The running game remains in shambles with Matt Forte only effective if Jay Cutler isn't on his ass all game. Justin Forsett is a change of pace back to starter Marshawn Lynch, but was able to put up impressive numbers in limited carries last week. Jonathan Stewart has been relegated to the flex and is in jeopardy of losing his job if he doesn't perform against the 49ers this week. TE Aaron Hernandez continues to impress as a rookie but it's time he gets into the endzone if Where's My D-fense? hopes to make this the week to put 1 in the win column.
NomNomNom is fighting to remain near the top of the standings and to avoid the embarrassment of losing to the worst team in the league. They are lead by the often critiqued Carson Palmer at quarterback. Despite as much crap as I and other analysts have given him, he's helped NomNomNom to a 4-2 record. Carolina WR Steve Smith makes his return this week and while Matt Moore is under center, he should help Smith's value more than rookie Jimmy Clausen did. Mike Williams and Mike Thomas are the other passing game options with the former having an impressive season and the later trying to break out with a bad offense around him. On the ground Ahmad Bradshaw and Peyton Hillis continue to get the bulk of their team's carries. However, with Hillis' injuries and the Giants beginning to regain faith in Jacobs will these two guys be the ones to get the ball on the goal-line this week? It's a concern for NomNomNom as yards may be hard to come by. Flex player Davonne Bess is also PPR gold, and with the Steelers trying to stop Brandon Marshall, he may be able to add a TD to his 5+ catches on the day. Saints kicker Garret Hartley has regained his job and while facing Cleveland this weekend could be in line for a busy afternoon that makes or breaks his season. He may wind up with more scoring opportunities this week than anyone else on either team. Look for Chiefs' tight end Tony Moeaki to play a big role in the outcome of this matchup, as he will be Matt Cassell's security blanket if Kansas City is unable to get the running game going.

Keep it Simple Stupid Adman

This commercial is great. It's a simple human truth, executed in an honest and easily understandable way. Nothing pretentious or overly dramatized. It's just a well written piece of copy with a cute visual at the end.

Substance over style (and yet, to me, it's pretty stylish too).

The best holiday present of all

About a week ago I was sent a link from a friend, to summarize, "after 16 years McDonald's is putting the McRib back on the menu nationwide starting November 2nd."

Despite being due to have surgery for, in simplistic terms, you might call a digestive condition I immediately reacted with the same giddy "Oh my God, oh my God" that any other hardcore McRib devotee would. And yes, I'm hardcore here's proof.

So as I sat there starring at my screen in disbelief - after confirming from multiple other news articles, since McRib loyalists have been the victims of many false reports -I anxiously began plotting in my head. I was about to mark the date down in my Google Calendar but then immediately realized how silly that was. Not because the idea of marking the return of the McRib on a calendar is dumb, but because the notion that I may actually forget what day the McRib makes it's glorious return is just plain ludicrous.

This morning I had to vacate the house for a few hours, so I headed over to McDonald's for breakfast and free wi-fi (became reliant on it while driving across the country). While I was walking in I noticed a small window sign, just below the giant "Monopoly is back!" banner. It showed the McRib (and thanks to stupid NY state law the amount of calories per sandwich, 500 in case you're interested). But it wasn't a "coming Nov. 2nd" or "Get ready for the best thing that has happened to you in the last decade, and that includes your marriage" sign. I was cautiously optimistic.

After McDonald's enforced their Stalinish no breakfast after 1o:30am policy, I headed back over to the counter to check out the recently displayed lunch/dinner/everything other than breakfast menu. To my delight it was there. The McRib, even available as a value meal.

What makes this story even better is this - that McDonald's has a 24 hour drive-thru. This calls for a song!

And if you'd like to find a McRib near you, go check out http://www.kleincast.com/maps/mcrib

Ocho TO: Week 6

Almost half-way through the season and we have one team without a win (Where's My D-fense?), and one team without a loss (The I.F.F.). Now it'd be easy and extremely cliche to say that anything can happen, because let's face it - I'm not making the playoffs, and the I.F.F isn't going miss them. Not much of a spoiler for you. But there are 4 teams whose records are either 3-2 or 2-3 and their fates are far less certain. For them, every game is crucial.

Where's My D-fense? (0-5) vs. Stay Puft (2-3)

The bottom feeder of the league is beginning to make progress, amassing their second highest point total of the season last week, and only losing by 25 points. WR disappointment Dwayne Bowe was sent packing this week, ensuring a 10 for 120 and 2TD performance on Sunday. In return Where's My D received fellow Chief Dexter McCluster to try and provide something out of the RB2 slot. QB Joe Flacco remains as one of two bright spots on the team with RB Matt Forte. Randy Moss is hopefully a bit more ingrained into the Vikings offense this week, and may catch a whole 4 passes. Greg Jennings on the other hand will likely not. New acquisitions Danny Amendola and Nate Burleson should provide decent PPR value, giving the team slight optimism for this week.
The big bad marshmallow is attempting to hit the .500 mark this week, led by their captain QB Matt Schaub, who is having a season so disappointing you'd think he was playing for the other team. WRs Reggie Wayne and Hakeem Nicks have been stellar and Mike Wallace should see his production increase now that Bad Ben is back. On the ground Adrian Peterson is always a sure thing and wait... what's this? It's week 6. Ronnie Brown possibly needed to decide the outcome of this matchup? I smell an injury. TE Todd Heap has been less active in the Raven's pass game this season thanks to the WR acquisitions of the off season. However, everyone saw what Dustin Keller did to the Patriots a few weeks ago, so he may be able to put together a big game.

Weinenators (1-4) vs. Winning my $$ league (1-4)

The Weinenators continue to ride the wave that is 2nd year QB Mark Sanchez. The Sanchize is still without an interception this season, and while that's great in the NFL, his lack of yardage and TDs on a weekly basis are not so good for fantasy. The strength of this team continues to be the ground game with Michael Turner. Marion Barber could play a role if you believe the Cowboy's coaching staff that Barber is still the starter. However if that is the case then the Giants won't have to worry about the Cowboys this season. TE Dustin Keller has been the most productive of all the pass catchers so far, however once teams begin to realize they need to double team Giants WR Hakeem Nicks, look for their Steve Smith to see increased targets, and as a result, put up more points.
Their opponent, Winning my $$ league, is having far less success in the league where pride is the only thing that matters. A formidable QB/WR combo in Peyton Manning and Anquan Boldin provide most of the scoring for this team. However, after a few weeks of slowly being worked back into the Chargers offense, RB Ryan Matthews could start to emerge this week as a powerful weapon for this team. WR Eddie Royal remains a gamble in the Russian roulette that is the Bronco's passing game. Last week Brandon Lloyd had the big game, will it be Royal's turn this week? This week Winning my $$ league will be operating out of the 2 TE set, with the Cowboy's Jason Witten and Atlanta's Tony Gonzalez. Two of the best tight ends in the league, they have combined for over 40 receptions, 450 yards and 2 TDs. The team is also hoping to get a boost from the resurgent New York Football Giants defense, as they take on the Detroit Lions.

AnyGivenSunday (1-4) vs. NomNomNom (4-1)

The defending champ is having a rough go of it so far and learning the hard way that winning once is a lot easier than winning twice. QB Aaron Rodgers is expected to start a week after suffering a concussion. He has a good matchup this week against the Miami Dolphins, however you can expect that the fish will try to bring pressure often to get some hits on Rodgers and try to force him to the sidelines. With no running game to speak of, the blitz may be on. WR Percy Harvin showed on Monday Night that he's happy to have Randy Moss back in Minnesota. Harvin was consistently open across the middle of the field and expect that to continue this week. His value takes a big bump, however he'll need Robert Meachem or Jabar Gaffney to contribute more than their usual. In the backfield, Sunday has her dream tandem in LaDanian Tomlinson and FSU alum Leon Washington. However, with the recent trade for Marshawn Lynch expect Washington to only see the field on special teams.
NomNomNom has 5 players listed on the injury report this week and will have to wake up early tomorrow to check the latest on star players such as the Johnsons (Calvin and Andre), Mike Williams, Peyton Hillis and Jahvid Best. In the worst case scenario this team would be without any of it's starting 3 WRs and have only 1 RB. Football is a rough sport. However, should they all play, don't expect as much as you normally would from Best, who faces the NY Giants defense and may be taken out of the gameplan if the Lions have to play from behind. QB pickup for the week Vince Young will face a Jaguars team that I honestly know nothing about. I know they beat the Colts by having MJD run all over them, but you could have said that any year for the past 4. This year's Jags, may be good, may not. All I know from watching last week's Titans/Cowboys game is thank goodness the Titans have Chris Johnson and dont need Vince Young to play well.

You Punt! (2-3) vs. GreenZone (4-1)

Speaking of Jacksonville, You Punt! has David Garrard as their quarterback. Like the Sanchize he's lack of turnovers is a real plus, while his lack of everything else is a fantasy hindrance. The duo of DeSean Jackson and Miles Austin at WR are both there. I still can't and won't say anything complimentary about either of them. Okay, maybe i'll say one nice thing - their jersey's fit them well. Recently re-acquired Patriot WR Deion Branch is hoping to rekindle some of that old magic with Tom Brady but will have to do so against a tough Raven's D. RBs Ladell Betts and Mike Tolbert may seen diminished roles this week as the Saints realize they have no running game what-so-ever and it costs them games, and the Chargers are ready to hand rookie Ryan Matthews back his #1 spot. The 2 TE set with Vernon Davis and Mercedes Lewis may be where the majority of this team's points come from.
The GreenZone is looking for the family sweep after knocking off little brother last week. This week he has his sights set on younger cousin, and plans to show no mercy. Quarterback Philip Rivers threw for over 400 yards last week, dispelling any rumors that the Chargers had a running game. Against the Rams this week, if they can't get anything going on the ground early, expect Rivers to air it out against a defense that gave up over 350 yards passing to Shaun Hill last week. Shaun Hill. WR Brandon Lloyd will look for a repeat performance after being Kyle Orton's favorite receiver last week. For the GreenZone's sake, hopefully Lloyd took Orton out to dinner on Wednesday to try and keep in his QBs favor. RB Frank Gore is expected to be more of the offense, as the 49ers should one again realize that Alex Smith is their quarterback, against the Raiders.

Wide Right (3-2) vs. The I.F.F. (5-0)

Wide Right will try to put a blemish on the record of the I.F.F. this week. Their QB is Drew Brees who has apparently avoided the Madden Curse by way of some voodoo ritual which has instead transfer all curse powers to Saints RB Pierre Thomas. Thanks Drew... dick. The receiver corps look thin but Wide Right is betting that the Patriots got rid of Randy Moss in order to free up more playing time for Brandon Tate. That and because he possibly told Tom Brady that his haircut makes him look like a girl. Truth hurts. Now Moss is telling Favre that yeah, his balls do look old in that picture. The 2 TE set (which is very popular this week) of Zach Miller and Jeremy Shockey, is more potent than one may think. The pair have combined for over 50 catches, 50 yards and 5 TDs. Despite their lack of name recognition (or in Shockey's case people remembering he still plays in the NFL), expect a lot of points to be put up by these two on Sunday.
The Incredibly Formidable Fairies remain undefeated this season thanks to a combination of talented players all over the roster. Their QB is fantasy surprise Kyle Orton who is putting up insane numbers on a weekly basis and constantly forcing residents of Chicago to curse under their breath. Wide receivers Roddy White, Jeremy Maclin and Malcolm Floyd remain consistent each week if not spectacular on occasion. And the running game is what you'd expect from the team with the #1 overall pick. Chris Johnson continues to put up yards and TDs, even if he's not leading the world in yards, and LeSean McCoy has filled in the old Brian Westbrook role of the Eagles offense. When paired with TE Antonio Gates and a resurgent Thomas Jones at the flex, this team is poised for a title run.

And our game of the week, for Week 6:

#4 Pussies (4-1) vs. #5 DingleBarrySanders (3-2)

The week the Pussies lost, they lost so badly that they plummeted from a top 2 team to the middle of the pack. But that's been the team's only defeat and they look to continue their climb back to the top. QB Tony Romo will likely be throwing all game against the Vikings defense, as the Cowboys running game has been dreadful. Factor in a staunch Vikings wall up front and Romo should start icing his throwing arm from now. The WRs continue to un-impress me, with Mike Sims-Walker leading the group. He and Santana Moss continue to be feast or famine type players and paired together leave the Pussies with little recourse should they go hungry through the game. Johnny Knox is more of the same although I wouldn't put him in the category of "Elite Feast or Famine" type guys, making this team vulnerable a weekly basis. But hey, it's worked for them so far. Running backs Ray Rice and Rashard Mendenhall are where it's it for the Pussies. Rice got back on track last week and Mendenhall should face fewer 8 in the box situations with Bad Ben back under center. These power backs are the engine that drives the team and this week they could be driving all over New England and Cleveland's defenses.
DingleBarry has to be upset with last week's loss to older brother. The wide receivers didn't show up (I can relate to that) and flex Arian Foster was corralled for the first time all season. That said, it's just one week. And even though they are 3-2, a win this week and DingleBarrySanders is back in the driver's seat. Why? Because they are the second highest scoring team in the league. With QB Eli Manning, WRs Brandon Marshall, Austin Collie and Wes Welker complimenting Maurice Jones-Drew and Steven Jackson. Add in NFL leading rusher (as of last week) and likely offensive rookie of the year, Arian Foster, and you can see why this team gives opponents nightmares. With good looking matchups for everyone except Marshall and Jones Drew, expect this team to show off the firepower they were lacking last week.

Miller Lite, the bitches beer

After another week of watching football I really need to rant and get this off my chest.

Miller Lite's ads just piss me off. And here's why:

The whole premise is a bunch of attractive female bartenders emasculating guys who order a generic light beer instead of Miller Lite.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of attractive bitchy girls - when they're clever. These commercials aren't clever, or funny and the girls are just offensively rude and oh yeah...

IT'S FUCKING MILLER LITE!
Which no one with a college degree should be drinking anyway.

Wait, a guy has the balls to not care about your "Vortex Bottle"? How dare he, we must insult his manhood.
Do you know how useless this so-called revolutionary bottle is? Incredibly useless. Here's proof:
The German's don't do it, the Czech's don't do it, the Irish don't do it, the Brits don't do it. No self-respecting, beer-loving country puts their beverage in a bottle with a wind tunnel in it except for our gimmick loving, quality blind one. Even the over priced crappy beers (Corona, Heineken, etc.) don't try that crap.

Oh no, a guy dares order a non-Miller Lite beer because he believes they all taste the same!
Quick, cut him off at the nuts. Get a girl in a tight shirt to tell him he's not a man. Perhaps he's not, but it's because he's drinking a light beer in general, so a Miller Lite won't help him grow nuts. (I'll probably expand further in a rant on 'low calorie' beer ads. Spoiler: if you don't want calories - drink water).

I can respect that 2 of the commercials dish out the insults to obvious douche guys - the guy wearing sunglasses at the bar and the obviously clad in Ed Hardy guy. But that's not the point of the ad to make fun of the Axe Body Spray crowd. Other versions seek to make fun of other guys for no other reason than because they have working taste buds and ordered something other than a Miller Lite.

As if I needed another reason to be pissed, there's this ad. Now, I'm fine with making fun of a guy for carrying a man-purse/European carry-all, but it was funnier the first time I saw it, in this ad. And Flo didn't have to be a bitch about it.

So fuck you Miller Lite and you're offensive and offensively shitty (to anyone in the advertising industry) commercials. I like bitchy girls, but you couldn't find one to make me drink your piss water.

Side Note: Wendy's don't think that I didn't notice you taking the same approach with your "2 things" commercial. You've been warned, knock that crap off.