Fantasy Football Preview - Week 5

Alright, so apologies for skipping over an entire game last week. It's not like it included an undefeated team or anything like that. Oh... it did? And they won again and are now the top seed in the league? Okay then, I'll make sure I at least mention them this week.

As always we'll start from the bottom.

NY DAs Office (1-3) vs. Mr. Scott's F**kUps (0-4)

Last week the DAs office went off, handing out indictments for everything from crimes against fashion to jaywalking, racking up an incredible 165.5 points and completely catching Dogs and Guns off guard. How'd they do it? Another near 40 point performance from Peyton Manning, 23.5 from the Giants Steve Smith, 19.5 from Mike Sims-Walker and 20 from Darren Sharper. At least if you have yet to face the DAs Office you can expect Sharper won't have that kind of game again. This week Peyton is in primetime again, taking on the Titans. Early on this seemed like it would be a bad matchup for him, but the Titans have looked nothing like last year's dominant defense, so expect another 30 plus. The runningback duo of Brandon Jacobs and Willis McGahee should tear up the turf against the Raiders and Bengals respectfully. Well the Bengals respecfully, there's nothing to respect in the Raiders. Big games are once again expected out of Smith and Sims-Walker but it may be TE Jason Witten who has the biggest day against the Chiefs.
Last week the F**kUps outscored 3 teams. None of them were their opponent for the week though and they remain winless. With Mr. Scott in Atlantic City it's unlikely his attention is too far from the roulette table. There are some gapping holes in the roster, RB Reggie Bush (bye), DP Stephen Cooper (bye) and another DP spot completely empty, which may cost the F**kUps the game this week. But Mr. Scott is a gambling man and may have read his chances this week were low and is packing it in to play his monster hand when the odds are more in his favor. Or, he's trying to get rich quick at the tables and completely forgot that Sunday is for things other than the early bird buffet special.

Wide Right (1-3) vs LT Get Outta My Way (1-3)

Wide Right was hampered by bye weeks and low scoring receivers last week, but fortunately RB Steve Slaton finally got it going. This week the team should be on unofficial bye week playing against our absentee owner, but some questionable roster decisions - like playing Larry Johnson in any game after 2005 - have them as the underdog this week. Could it be that LT has lured them into a false sense of security like the tortise did to the hare? Could Wide Right be lying half conscious in a ditch somewhere, unable to set his roster using a mobile phone? Did Kelly find out that he plays Fantasy Football and bar him from participating? Or is it something more diabolical - playing to lose the game, in hopes of a high draft pick next year.
As previously mentioned, no analysis will be done on LT's team.

The Breakfast Club (3-1) vs. Giant Ten Pins (1-3)

Oh how the mighty have fallen... to third place. A week after losing a battle of unbeatens to Any Given Sunday, The Breakfast Club is back with perhaps their hardest challenge yet - Drew Brees on a bye week. Dunt Dunt Duuun. Homer QB pick Seneca Wallace will be filling in this week and hopes to get the team back on track. The aerial attack is as primed as the fighter jets that keep flying over my apartment (fleet week here in SF), with Chad and Andre Johnson (like Bernie Mac and Samuel L. Jackson in that movie they did together). However, the Breakfast Club probably wishes they could play 2 TEs to get both Tony Gonzalez and Vernon Davis into the mix. Davis of course is on the trading block for any team in need of a TE. The passing game may be the only way to score points this week as RB Kevin Smith gets a Steelers defense that neither LT nor Darren Sproles could do anything against, and Julius Jones faces a Jaquars team which stopped Titans RB Chris Johnson last week. Will the Breakfast Club get back to their old ways, or did they just by themselves another week of detention?
The Giant Ten Pins were the other team omitted last week. Not that their contribution has been any less meaningful, it's just that if you lament about not including a 1-3 team it's not as powerful as recognizing that you left out the top team in the league. Anyway, this week the Giant Ten Pins are out to make sure that we all remember their name - FAME. Remember, remember, remember. The Ten Pins have put their faith in the Falcons with QB Matt Ryan, RB Michael Turner and WR Michael Jenkins all playing against San Francisco. If I hadn't screwed it up, I'd be going to this game. That's not the point, the point is, that around the league teams may not realize how legit San Fran is on defense. Led by Patrick Willis stacking 3 starting skill players against the 49ers is an awfully big risk. But if you don't play to win, you're just a loser. And to get back on the winning path and hand the Breakfast Club their 2nd straight loss you've got to go for it. This one is lined up to be close which means it could come down to whoever kicks the last field goal.

The New Good Ones (3-1) vs. Wandering Jews (1-3)

Last week the New Good Ones kept rolling thanks to Philip Rivers, Matt Forte and Nate Washington. This week Rivers and Forte are on byes, and Washington is on the bench. A lot can change week to week. The replacement QB is... well this is interesting, Matt Hasselbeck. But Bob, if The Breakfast Club is starting Seneca Wallace, and the New Good Ones are starting Matt Hasselbeck, what does that mean? It means that both owners better wake up early (Matt earlier since games start at 10am out here) and find out who is actually going to play quarterback for the Seahawks. Either way, this is going to severely fuck over one team. Delicious, isn't it? Assuming Hasselbeck plays, the rest of the lineup looks like this: RBs Thomas Jones and Knowshon Moreno against tough run defenses, WRs Anquan Boldin, Reggie Wayne and DeSean Jackson amassing many many points, and TE Visanthe Shiancoe sneaking in 3-9 points. But without a QB, it almost doesn't matter how well everyone else plays.
The Wandering Jews were tired, and thirsty, desperate for a win as they traversed the sands of loser desert. Last week they got a taste of winning and now they want more. QB Donovan McNabb is set to make his return, pushing young 2nd year star Joe Flacco to the bench. RBs DeAngelo Williams and Glen black Coffee no sugar, no cream - should each get upwards of 20 carries and have their opportunity to rack up points. The WRs were happy to see that Brandon Marshall is back, but can he carry the team with backups Patrick Crayton and Deion Branch? TE Ben Watson is a fill in this week for Jeremy Shockey and so far Denver has done an excellent job of preventing opponents from scoring. Will Tom Brady go to plan triple D in order to make it into the endzone this week? Or will the Jews make a wrong turn at Albuquerque (Bugs Bunny anyone?) and find themselves back in the desert?

Vick's Vet Service (4-0) vs Dogs and Guns (2-2)

Vick's Vet Service currently leads the league, despite not getting much press about it. This week they'll take on last year's champion as they continue to get some respect. QB Tony Romo will visit a great place for ribs - Kansas City. However he won't have #1 (at least on the official depth chart) WR Roy E. Williams which means the focus may be on running the ball, or TE Jason Witten will catch 25 passes for 407 yards and 3 TDs. But with those sorts of questions hanging around the QB, Vick's Vet Service will need a total team effort if they want to stay undefeated. RB MJD will have to be anything but MJDLite this week against the Seahawks. Dolphins RB Ricky Williams is likely to get the ball many times on Sunday, but against the Jets defense it's uncertain how many of those times he'll actually be moving forward. The WRs are the wildcards for this team right now. Roddy White is a stud, but San Francisco has the talented corners to take him out of the gameplan and the ability to bring pressure on QB Matt Ryan. Kevin Walter gets open when teams focus 2 men on Andre Johnson. The Cardinals can't afford to put 2 men on any receiver, so will Walter make an impact or will Johnson take over the game? And finally Sidney Rice was introduced to the world on Monday Night Football last week. Against a weak Rams team will he see balls coming his way, or will the Vikings be comfortable to just had the ball to All Day, all day, for the easy win?
Dogs and Guns was cruising along, looking to repeat when they lost their first game. Not a major roadblock they happen. But last week's loss had to come out of nowhere to force them off the road. Now 2-2 and taking on the #1 team in the league, changes were necessary. Carson Palmer steps in at QB for Jay Cutler, who is on his bye. On paper the offense looks ready for a big week with RBs Chris Johnson, Ronnie Brown and WRs Larry Fitzgerald, T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Santonio Holmes all spotted in the double digits. Even TE John Carlson is projected to get 10 points. But how accurate are those numbers? Last week Chris Johnson was held to 83 yards by a Jaquars team that couldn't stop anyone in the weeks before. And the Colts best defense is Peyton Manning. If he puts up a few quick scores on the Titans, can they really afford to hand off 3 times a series? Ronnie Brown also faces the Jets defense. While he may be able to sneak through a few times by taking direct snaps, without a real QB under center you would have to believe that Rex Ryan has his defense keyed in on Brown. Fitzgerald will get his because Arizona can still put up points and having Anquan Boldin around makes him tough to double, but Houston may pick their poison and decide that Boldin will beat them. Houshmandzadeh has had 1 good game all year. It was last week, but 1 out of 4 isn't something I'd put much faith in. Especially if he's covered by Rashean Matthis. Finally Santonio Holmes. He's become a big target for Ben Roethlisberger this season, but against the Lions, do the Steelers really need him or will Mendenhall just run through Detroit and leave scraps for the receivers? It'll be an intriguing matchup should an undefeated fall or the defending champ drop 3 straight.

And finally, our matchup of the week: Duke/Carolina; Yankees/Red Sox; Army/Navy; Dark Chocolate/ well we both like dark chocolate.. anyway, it's

Beer Burgers and Blue (3-1) vs. Any Given Sunday (4-0)

Every season this matchup gets circled on the calendars long before draft day even happens. It's actually affected which players have been drafted in order to fill bye weeks to make sure there was no let down for this one week. And now it's here. Well sort of. Unfortunately, I've been a bit distracted. Despite talking the big game in the what we know post I've been concerned with my team in the money league, currently sitting at 1-3, in 9th place (uncharted territory for me in Fantasy Football) heading into a match up with the 4-0 first place team. Fortunately, losing money is something I do often and losing to girls is something I do slightly less and that's enough motivation to snap me back to reality. A late breaking injury has forced an unforseen replacement be brought in on the defense but it seems almost irrelevant. The key will be QB Matt Schaub. In 4 games this year he's had 2 good ones and 2 stinkers. Last week's stinker was only overcome by team captain Patrick Willis rallying the troops and he himself putting in a monster performance. This week Schaub will have to be a big boy and do it himself, or the consequences will be dire. After a very productive 1st week as a starter, RB Pierre Thomas is vacationing, moving Ray Rice back into the starting spot. Rice will team with all purpose yards master Steven Jackson, who as ESPN put it - "may never score again". He faces the Vikings and the Williams wall this week. Expectations are low. Of course that means the burden falls on the wide receivers, namely Calvin Johnson, who finally put up big numbers last week. This week his QB may be Daunte Culpepper, a man who made his career by chucking the ball downfield and hoping that his fast, tall receiver would catch it.It's a strategy that may work for BBB. Vikings WR Bernard Berrian finally showed glimpses that he's involved in the offense on Monday Night Football, but against the Rams may not be used much, leaving things riding on...The Great White Hope. Wes Welker is expected to play this week and BBB will need WW to have a GG if they want a W. Denver has been tough, but if Champ Bailey is focused on Randy Moss, who is left to stop the sensational slot receiver? No one, I hope. And Heath Miller makes his return, one week after Todd Heap made his return. With Charles Woodson out the defense will need someone else to step up and provide a defensive TD if they want to overcome the 10 and a half point spread.
Any Given Sunday hasn't lost a game all season. She's sitting in 2nd place and could move up to first if Dogs and Guns helps out a fellow jew. (The Wandering Jews are only out to help themselves.) To be 5-0, on top of the league, and hold a victory of Beer Burgers and Blue would be like being crowned Princess of New York for life with a purple parade through NYs canyon of heroes, only to have Derek Jeter ride up on a unicorn and offer his hand in marriage. If she wins big, she made need a change of underwear. While pretty boy QB Aaron Rodgers is on his bye this week, Sunday will turn to the only starting QB in the league with the same last name. A brilliant strategy considering he plays for possibly the only team where he would be a starting quarterback. But who am I to judge? Because of this, the team will be almost completely turned over to RB Adrian Peterson who just happens to get to slaughter the Rams. Don't be surprised if he scores more than QB Campbell. Backfield mate Marion Barber should find it equally easy running against the Chiefs, although he is coming off an injury - which I will hope he re-aggrivates, on every down. The WRs could be the weak link as they are all hit and miss. Carolina's Steve Smith is a top talented WR, his problem is that his QB is Jake Delhomme. Santanna Moss is as consistent as the number 12 appearing as a winning lottery number - and he's already had 2 straight good games. Mario Manningham can get open, but his catch percentage is lower than the literacy rate in New York City's public schools. Plus, he'll likely have Nnamdi Asomugha covering him on occasion, meaning he won't get open. It's a numbers game though. If those teams keep throwing, Sunday may get lucky. TE Brett Celek has had a fantastic year so far and is well rested coming off a bye week, and gets Donovan McNabb back. That's all I'm going to say about him because he's an Eagle so I obviously hate him. In turn he will be the single reason I lose this week. Or David Akers. Fucking kickers.

That's all for this week. Tons of great games to scoreboard watch. I think the NFL is pretty light on interesting matchups this week, so watch scores update or finish your homework. And if you have a spare minute - propose a trade for Vernon Davis.