OchoTO: Week 4

Grumble, grumble, grumble.

For the first time ever I'm 0-3 and it makes writing these previews a little harder when you're looking over the leaderboard and realize that you're team is bad. Very bad. Prior to this year my worst finish was 4th. In a different year I managed to win the championship AND come in third. Yet this year, I'm about a week away from trading a hand-job for a win. Uhm, maybe not. I'll get back to you on that.

Anyway, as always we start at the bottom, and whoo hoo that means my game is first.

Where's My Defense? (0-3) vs. GreenZone (2-1)

On the plus side, last week Where's My Defense? put up their highest point total of the season. Unfortunately they still lost by 20. As a result, scientists and analysts are scratching their heads at why the team is so bad. QB Joe Flacco finally played up to the level he was projected to. However, WRs Greg Jennings, Randy Moss and Dwayne Bowe all did very little. Despite each having a TD (Moss had 2), none of them caught more than 2 passes or had more than 62 yards receiving. Awesome. On the ground, Jonathan Steward finally got into the endzone, but is still considered useless. And last minute pickup RB Correll Buckhalter, who was supposed to start in place of injured Bronco Knowshon Moreno, saw newly acquired Laurence Maroney get the majority of the carries and average less than 2 yards per rush. Fantastic. So what will Where's My Defense? do for an encore this week? Flacco is benched against the tough Steelers D giving way to Chad Henne. Bowe is on a bye week so Miami's Brian Hartline is slotted in and needs to do his best Wes Welker imitation. Stewart is benched for Justin Forsett (another preseason sleeper who isn't doing much) and they're staring 2 TEs, Aaron Hernandez and Heath Miller. The only plus this week is that half the team plays on Monday Night, saving me from screaming at the TV all day on Sunday.
On the other side, the GreenZone is 2-1 and coming off a big family win last week. QB Philip Rivers (who I hate) is in line for a big game against the Arizona Cardinals who are just inept on both sides of the ball since they lost QB Kurt Warner (retirement) and LB Karlos Dansby (smelled a sinking ship and got the hell out of there). If Rivers is somehow unable to win the game on his own he will have WRs Marques Colston and Jacoby Jones also in favorable matchups. While Colston may not get a ton of targets thanks to Drew Brees' socialist way of spreading the wealth around New Orleans, he is a big target in the red zone, provided Lance Moore doesn't catch a pair of 80 yard bombs. Jacoby Jones on the other hand can usually get some good looks while the entire opposing defense tries to stop Andre Johnson. Brandon Lloyd is also playing and is likely to be one of the top 3 Bronco receivers in the game. Which one he'll be is anyone's guess. RBs Frank Gore and DeAngelo Williams are both having pretty piss poor seasons so far, which means that flex play Joseph Addai may be the team's leading rusher this week. Which is sad because he's the third most talented back. If only Donald Brown would learn to pick up the blitz. With advantages at every position, look for the GreenZone to make Where's My Defense? question his manhood yet again this week.

Weinenators (1-2) vs. The I.F.F. (3-0)

After snagging their first win of the season last week against the defending champion-ess, the Weinenators take on the top team in the league. So much for a winning streak. The Weinenators have put their trust into the Sanchize, but with 3 starters on their bye this week, it would take more than a Joe Willie Namath miracle to upset the to team. WR Roy Williams, TE Kellen Winslow and flex play Marion Barber will all be home in front of the TV tomorrow, and not contributing to the team. Perhaps this is a new strategy to psych out their opponent, or perhaps it's a case of welcome to your first year in the league, you do realize that some weeks you have to play other guys. As for the players who will be on the field come Sunday, RB Michael Turner got over 30 carries last week and seems healthy after suffering an injury in week 2. Arizona's Beanie Wells is also scheduled to play after missing the first 2 weeks of the season. Their air support will come in the forms of Steve Smith (Giants) and Hines Ward. Both are possession receivers capable of putting up double digit points without finding the endzone. However, with Julius Peppers harassing Eli Manning and the Steelers still without Ben Rapelisberger, how many passes either receiver will get his way remains a big question.
The Indigo Fairy Farm sits at the top of the league with an impressive 3-0 record, and so far it hasn't even been close. This week they look to go at it 2 men down (RB Jamaal Charles and K Ryan Longwell), and are still projected to put up more points than the entire Where's My Defense? team. QB Jay Cutler was as shaky as... no, I'm not going to make a Michael J. Fox joke here, and Muhammad Ali could still kick my ass, so no Parkinson's references... a Lindsay Lohan in rehab. This week against the Giants will he have the same luck, or will his careless interceptions stick? WR Roddy White has emerged as a top receiver over the past two seasons and against a 49ers team that is struggling to find itself, is primed to have a big game. Meanwhile the Chargers Malcom Floyd has absorbed the responsibilities of a #1 with Vincent Jackson still looking for more money. In the backfield Chris Johnson is once again expected to have his way with opposing defenses. This week the Bronco's get to be the revolving door he runs through. And LeSean McCoy of the Eagles at flex is a very solid player despite the fact that I despise Philadelphia and will do my best to not compliment them unless it is necessary.


AnyGivenSunday (1-2) vs. Stay Puft (1-2)

The defending champ is having a rough go of it so far this year. QB Aaron Rodgers and his many points per game, look to change that this week though as the team welcomes back old favorite Leon Washington who will be filling in as a flex after 2 kick-off return TDs last week, totaling 200 yards. As for players with a bit more consistency attached to them, RBs Cedric Benson and the zombie known as LaDanian Tomlinson (because I swear last year the guy was dead) are both running well, catching passes out of the backfield and earning their keep as fantasy backs. Kicker Mason Crosby of the Packers is both accurate and has a very muscular leg capable of putting a ball through from over 50 yards away. I bet he gets that thing massaged all the time...aaaah. Also the Jets defense is capable of shutting down any opponent (see New England Patriots in the second half) which leads to fantasy points galore. As previously mentioned, the WRs on this team are a weakness with Chad Ochocinco having to rely on the incredibly overrated Carson Palmer, Robert Meachem getting on the field for about 20% of the Saints plays, and Jabar Gaffney being yet another possibility in the weekly soap opera of which Bronoco's receiver will have a good day. Can Rodgers and the running backs get AnyGivenSunday back on her unicorn? Or will the lack of receivers spell her doom?
After 20 or so years, Stay Puft marshmallows are finally available. These little bastards are packed with caffeine, making them quite possibly the best snack ever. So back to the team for a moment. QB Matt Schaub had a bad game in Dallas last week, but the Raiders aren't the Cowboys and he looks to rebound big time. How big? Let's say Stay Puft Marshmallow Man big. At the receiver spots we have Reggie Wayne (who wears white and blue, much like the marshmallow man himself), Hakeem Nicks (who will be wearing blue and white, and is very big, again like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man) and Mike Wallace (who, if the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man ever did attack New York would do a hard hitting piece for 60 Minutes the following week to tell the misunderstood confectionery creature's story). As for flex play Demaryius Thomas, he has no connection to the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man because he is not white. As for the running game, all you need to know is this - Ronnie Brown vs. the New England Patriots. Ray, if someone asks if you're a God, you say YES! And now I will leave you with this tune to get stuck in your head.

Wide Right (1-2) vs. You Punt! (1-2)

This matchup is a close one, and if the teams weren't both under .500 it would probably be the game of the week. Wide Right comes into the contest a man down (well 11+ men) with the Vikings defense taking the week off. If they don't fix the roster in time it will put extra pressure on WRs Larry Fitzgerald and Michael Crabtree who are projected for big games, despite having done very little so far this season to warrant that prognostication. QB Drew Brees will get his points and Louis Murphy is emerging as a consistent, even if not spectacular, play at receiver. RB Darren McFadden is putting together a very good season after it was speculated in the preseason that he would lose the job to Michael Bush. However, so far McFadden has over 60 fantasy points. He's paired with new pickup BenJarvus Green Ellis (aka 'The Law Firm') who will play Monday Night. At TE is another Raider, Zach Miller, a year ago considered to be the only Raider worth having in fantasy football. New year, new strategy as Wide Right has 3 of Al Davis' guys on his squad. Then again, he is still just 1 and 2.
You Punt! is starting 4 birds this week - Eagles QB Michael Vick and WR DeSean Jackson, as well as Falcons' kicker Matt Bryant and the Atlanta Defense. Other than that they're not very interesting as I previously stated that I will not compliment Philadelphia, and especially not Vick. Why do I have to give the guy a second chance and feel all warm and fuzzy for him now that he's back in the NFL making a shit-ton of money and doing well? I'll give him this, he was a horrible person and now may not be. Congratulations because that's the best you're getting from me. The running backs for You Punt! are the possibly about to lose his starting job, Clinton Portis and San Diego backup Mike Tolbert. Despite reports that Ryan Mathews will play this week, Tolbert is a good choice because I am forced to start him in my money league and need to believe that what I just said is true. Mercedes Lewis will be the flex this week as You Punt! takes a page out of Where's My Defense?'s playbook in starting 2 TEs. Lewis will compliment Vernon Davis as both players are the only viable receiving threat on their team (if you exclude the running backs Maurice Jones Drew and Frank Gore). This one should be a nail bitter and may have a far reaching impact on the league as one of these teams will emerge from the traffic jam of 1-2 teams to reach mediocrity at 2-2.


The Battery Lasted (1-2) vs. DingleBerrySanders (2-1)

The Battery Lasted and that's why my wife told me to sleep on the couch.
Anyway, they are lead by Peyton Manning who is a lot like the energizer bunny - he keeps throwing and throwing and appears in at least 3 commercials every Sunday. All of that aside though, he faces a poor Jaguars defense he'll likely be able to pick apart much like he did to the Giants in week 2. The running backs, a pair of backups, are an interesting story. The Packer's Brandon Jackson stepped in when Ryan Grant was lost for the season, but instead of putting up big numbers it appears as if the Pack are content to abandon the run and let Aaron Rodgers and the defense win games for them. As for Kenneth Darby he may or may not be filling in for Steven Jackson of the Rams. Despite the fact that Jackson is injury prone, he manages to play just about every week. The guy is tough, skilled and being wasted in St. Louis. How he hasn't been traded to a contender in any of the past 3 years still confuses me. Anyway, at receiver look for Anquan Boldin to be a difference maker in the usually hard hitting, run first matchup that is the Ravens and Steelers. The Ravens finally have a passing attack and a wide receiver who will prevent the Steelers from stacking the box. And coming off his 3 TD performance last week, I can only hope he does it again, because I have him in my money league. WR Eddie Royal is listed at 5-3 odds to be the best Bronco receiver to have this week, if those made up odds mean anything to you.
DingleBerrySanders is 2-1 because they faced the I.F.F., otherwise this team has all the talent to be at 3-0. They head into this matchup lead by Eli Manning, setting up the Fantasy Manning Bowl, which sounds a lot dirtier than it really is. Unless you remember that they are both spokesmen for the Double Stuff Oreo Licking League, in which case you're sick and disgusting and should stay away from small children. But back to football. Rumors of Brandon Marshall's irrelevance in the Miami offense seem to have been premature as he has revolutionized the team's offense, making them contenders this season. Partnered with the Great White Hope, Wes Welker, the two can combine for 20 catches a game, tons of yards and a score or two (Welker most likely with his insanely hot girlfriend). Then we throw in yet another possession receiver, Lassie (my new nickname for Austin Collie). Why? What type of dog was Lassie? A collie. And if you ever throw a ball near Lassie, she always catches it, just like Austin Collie. Point proved, it works. These three receivers give DingleBerrySanders a big leg up each week thanks to the PPR scoring. Oh and pass catching running backs MJD and Steven Jackson are pretty good guys to have in that format as well. Seriously, how the hell did we let him get all of these guys?

And now our Game of the Week:

#4 NomNomNom (2-1) vs. #2 Pussies (3-0)

Last week NomNomNom suffered their first loss, at the hands of family no less. This week they look to slide one into the Pussies loss column. QB Carson Palmer faces a bad Cleveland defense, which is good for him, because he is also bad. He'll need help from WRs Andre Johnson (questionable) and Steve Smith (dealing with a rookie QB out of Notre Dame not named Joe Montana) and Calvin Johnson (who lost his starting QB in week 1). Okay, so things don't look too promising so far. But NomNomNom is resilient and their team is stacked higher than a Chicago Deep Dish Pizza from Lou Malnatis. RBs Ahmad Bradshaw and Peyton Hillis face staunch defense's but both are far and away their team's #1 back, providing them with plenty of touches throughout the game. TE John Carlson leads the Seahawks in targets and despite the Rams being improved on defense, should be able to exploit them for a decent game, unless Matt Hasselbeck starts throwing to himself. Flex play Davone Bess had a big game in primetime last week and this week will be facing a weak Pats secondary who will have to spend most of their limited resources on stopping Brandon Marshall, making Davone the Bess choice for a flex this week. Yes, I hate myself for writing that line.
The Pussies have the power...running game that is. With Ray Rice and Rashard Mendenhall, two #1 backs on run first teams. What's the only thing that can ruin this formula? Their run the ball and play great defense teams playing against each other of course. Does this mean that the pussies are vulnerable this week? Possibly as they turn to Derek Anderson at quarterback with Tony Romo on his bye week. The receivers are a trio of one trick ponies: Mike Sims-Walker, Santana Moss and Johnny Knox(ville). However, what these three lack in general football skill, they make up for by being very fast. It only takes a well placed Donovan McNabb deep ball to make Moss look like a real NFL receiver, or for the Bears offensive line to give Jay Cutler enough time to unload a 70 yard aerial strike for Knox to run under. Sims-Walker on the other hand, I've got nothing for. TE Dallas Clark will be tasked with picking up the slack from everyone, and you probably couldn't have a better guy for the job as he remains one of Peyton Manning's favorite red zone targets. And flex play, Pierre Thomas could have a big game against a really bad Panther's team if he plays. And he better, because he's on my money league team.

Will the Pussies go to 4 and Ooh Ooh OOOOOOOOOOOh?
Or...
Will NomNomNom eat them out of the un-defeateds?

Tune in to week 4 to find out these answers and more.