Ocho TO: Week 7

Clean out your bank account and take that luxury vacation, buy that sports car you always wanted, use styrofoam and aerosol as much as you want, call that girl from high school and tell her that she will always be the one - because the apocalypse is upon us. Where's My D-fense? came within a tenth of a point from winning a game last week. And if it hadn't been for the trade that sent WR Dwayne Bowe to the GreenZone earlier in the week, every team in the league would have at least 1 win. But almost only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and atom bombs. But don't say I didn't warn you if you awake on Tuesday morning to find yourself face to face with St. Peter, Lucifer or Charles Darwin.

Weinenators (1-5) vs. GreenZone (5-1)

The Weinenators are now all that remains between the GreenZone and king of the family honors, and they don't plan on handing over the crown without a fight. Lead by Brett "Keep it in your Wrangler's" Favre, the passing game has seen an increase, notably in the production of WR Hines Ward, thanks to the return of his sexual deviant quarterback, Bad Ben. The other receivers, Steve Smith (Giants) and Roy Williams will play an important role in this matchup, as they square off on Monday Night. While neither is their QB's primary target, they can each reap the rewards of defense's focusing in on shutting down the other guy. The running game remains a concern. Although Michael Turner has overcome his early season injury to be the focal point of the Falcon's offense the other two runners, Marion Barber and Darren Sproles, have both seen their workload decrease as they have been surpassed by other players on their team. TE Kellen Winslow remains a solid producer and the Steelers defense should provide a stat boost this week against the Dolphins, but will it be enough to prevent the Silver-Weiner Sweep?
The GreenZone continues to roll on their 5 game win streak. Quarterback Philip Rivers continually puts up excellent fantasy numbers despite the fact that he can't help his team win a real game. I suppose it's those types of overrated players that are best suited for winning fantasy teams. It's hard to respect Philip Rivers, or the Chargers, when you've got guys like this supporting the team. Thank you Attack of the Show and mega hottie Candace Bailey. Okay, trying to regain focus. Okay, so the GreenZone is still looking to get some production out of WR Marques Colston. However, since the Saints have been without RB Pierre Thomas you'd have to figure that Colston's best chances of putting up numbers are behind him. And with an excellent performance from backup Chris Ivory last week, the Saints may not need to throw as much any more. Imagine that, a balanced offense. Either way, this means that league leading receiver Brandon Lloyd, and recently acquired Dwayne Bowe will need to pick up the slack. Lloyd is capable of it, but was Bowe's last week a fluke or the start of a re-birth? RBs Franke Gore and Deangelo Williams are talented backs on bad teams with bad quarterbacks. The result, they face defenses' geared on stopping them each week. The good news - their teams face each other this week. So maybe someone will do something productive. And finally, the GreenZone acquired TE Heath Miller to replace injured Jermichael Finley.

AnyGivenSunday (1-5) vs. Wide Right (3-3)

Sunday is looking to rebound this week, much like QB Aaron Rodgers who is coming off a concussion. Sunday night he faces off against the Packers' last QB, now playing for the hated Vikings. The receivers are a bit of a patchwork with Jabar Gaffney, Chad Ochocinco, Robert Meachem and Percy Harvin all fighting for catches within their own team. Of the four, Harvin seems to have found the most consistent niche, as a slot receiver, since Randy Moss came back into town. Meachem remains an inconsistent deep threat and Chad is hampered by both the fact that T.O. is also on the team and that Carson Palmer is not very good. The running game is also a bit spotty. Bengals' RB Cedric Benson can't expect to get much support for Leon Washington who is likely to only see a few plays per game as Justin Forsett and Marshawn Lynch have him burried on the Seahawks depth chart. With Kevin Kolb starting at quarterback for the Eagles again, TE Brent Celek could provide strong production, however it may not be enough to cover the spread if the other receivers can't get involved.
Wide Right is hoping to cross the railroad tracks and get into the winning side of town this week. A win and they move into the winner's neighborhood, with better schools and illegal immigrants to cut their grass. QB Drew Brees has managed to avoid the Madden Curse this year (instead passing it on to Pierre Thomas) and despite his team playing poorly most of the time, Brees' stats remain a big plus for the team. Recievers Michael Crabtree and Mike Williams are beginning to become more incorporated into their respective offenses, while Larry Fitzgerald is still struggling with a nobody under center. I believe Kurt Warner has changed his phone number to prevent Fitzgerald from calling the house any more. I wouldn't be surprised if on the Cardinal's bye week "Uncle Fitz" wasn't there to pick Warner's kids up from school. The running game of Ryan Torrain, Darren McFadden and Knowshon Moreno may be where this matchup is won or lost for Wide Right. Big numbers are projected, however Torrain is an injury risk, McFadden is still battling an injury and has a capable backup and Moreno is coming off an injury, has a decent change of pace back (Buckhalter) and is on a pass first team. These three will need to get 20+ carries each in order to be as effective as necessary to relocate the team.

Winning My $$ League (2-4) vs. The I.F.F. (6-0)

Money can't buy you the feeling of ruing an undefeated season. This week Winning My $$ League will try to cash in on their team's talent and do just that. Donovan McNabb isn't having a stellar season, but his average of 16.78 points a game is certainly something to build on. The team is going pass heavy this week with the inclusion of two of the best pass catching TEs in football, Tony Gonzalez and Jason Witten. Winning My $$ League is hoping each can reach double digits to help supplement WR Anquan Boldin in case Nate Washington and Deon Butler can't get their quarterback's attention. Washington however should have strong-arm Kerry Collins under center instead of Vince Young, so it's reasonable to expect he's more valuable with an experience passer who looks for receivers rather than Young's run first then throw it and pray, style of play. Charger's RB Ryan Matthews has retaken his position as the team's number one back, however against a porous New England secondary his carries may be limited as Rivers will likely throw 40+ times.
The Innocent Fuchsia Farmers remain at the summit of the league. Led by Kyle Orton at quarterback and his ridiculous yards per game average, the I.F.F. looks to come one step closer to securing a playoff spot. Yeah I think it's not too long before they make it official. However they may go into this week short handed as WR Malcolm Floyd has been ruled out of Sunday's game and K Adam Vinatieri will be at home watching on TV. Still, receivers Roddy White and Jeremy Maclin are capable of scoring as much as most teams 3 receivers. On the ground, Chris Johnson faces a defense that isn't great against the run, spelling trouble for opponents real and fantasy alike. Eagles RB LeSean McCoy may see more work as the team is down WR DeSean Jackson who got his bell wrung in on of those controversial hits from last week that we've seen replayed all this week. TE Antonio Gates and flex Jamaal Charles are also expected to have good games this week as the Farmers look to stay perfect on the season.

You PUNT! (2-4) vs. Pussies (4-2)

Definitely going for it on 4th down is lead by Fantasy Football Now co-host Tim Hasselbeck's brother, Matt. He's also known as Elizabeth Hasselbeck's brother-in-law. The receiving corps has recently been upgraded with the acquisitions of former now current Patriot Deion Branch, who seemed right at home with Tom Brady after a few years off, and long time Raven's receiver Derrick Mason. Those two will compliment T.O. who is having somewhat of a resurgence in Cincy, despite the fact that Carson Palmer is his quarterback. RBs Ricky Williams and C.J. Spiller are a pair of backups who figure to get a good share of touches per week. However, with their limited workload You PUNT! will need to start hoping for injuries or that his guys make the most out of each of their few carries. TEs Vernon Davis and Mercedes Lewis can only be as good as their quarterbacks let them. In one case it's Alex Smith and in the other, it's Trent Edwards (the guy who the Bills cut) or a guy making his first ever start. I wouldn't hold my breath on these guys breaking records this week. Unless the Panther's defense can't pressure Smith.
The Pussies are currently in 5th place, however their current point total isn't enough to keep them out of danger, so they'll need to win and score big while doing it. QB Tony Romo, of the 1-4 Cowboys, leads the team into their Monday Night showdown with the Giants. Aside from Romo, the other Pussies are Mike Sims-Walker, Johnny Knox and Santana Moss. Other than Moss, each faces quarterback issues this week. Knox will need to hope that the Bear's offensive line can give QB Jay Cutler enough time to deliver it downfield to Knox on one of his big routes. The running backs aren't Pussies, they just wear the uniform. Ray Rice and Rashard Mendenhall run tough and with each of their teams back at full strength, these run first teams should see their backs getting plenty of touches as their QBs lossen up opposing defenses with the passing game. The Pussies recently lost TE Dallas Clarke for the season but replace him this week with Benjamin Watson, who despite playing in Cleveland, is having a good year. He'll need to put up more points this week to help the Pussies climb in the standings.

Stay Puft (2-3-1) vs. DingleBarrySanders (4-2)

Stay Puft is fresh (get it, it's a pun!) off of their tie last week, where they narrowly avoided being the first victim of Where's My D-fense? This week they try to put the bad thoughts behind them. Lead by team captain Adrian Peterson and his backfield mate, Brandon Jacobs. Acceptance leads to resurrection in Jacob's case as he has rebounded from his prime time tantrum to rebound and contribute to a powerful Big Blue rushing attack. Quarterback Kevin Kolb will look to dissect the Titans secondary using Andy Reid's West Coast offense, while receivers Hakeem Nicks and Mike Wallace look to add to their TD totals this season. 2nd year-er Kenny Britt should also benefit from the change to Collins under center as he is a good route runner, able to get open. All traits that real quarterbacks appreciate and are wasted with a guy like Vince Young at quarterback. TE Todd Heap is tough. A week after taking a big hit from Brandon Merriweather hes' lining up and snapping on the chin strap to go at it again. Flex play Thomas Jones is another big player to watch this week as the Cheifs identity is likely to remain a run first offense.
DingleBarrySanders finds itself with a big fictional lead. Which means nothing. I was going to say "Lead by" but after looking at the roster, this team isn't really lead by anyone, it's just a collection of good players who are consistent and put up quality numbers each week. QB Eli Manning has been solid most of the season, although with the re-emergence of a two headed running attack his services have been needed less often. Recievers Brandon Marshall and Wes Welker are consummate PPR threats, however, since Moss left town it seems as though opponents are keying in on stopping Welker. Maurice Jones Drew is suffering from a bad offensive line and now an injured quarterback, meaning he's the guy opposing defenses are scheming against. That leaves Steven Jackson as possibly the only player this team can unequivocally count own. The duo threat has a great matchup at Tampa Bay and could be the spark the pushes this team through with a W this week. Flex play Donald Driver, formerly known as Brett Favre's favorite receiver, may have a big night against his old quarterback as he and Packers try to defend Lambeau from it's old champion.

Now I know what you're thinking. Each week you start with the worst team and work your way up, but Where's My D-fense wasn't the first preview and they still haven't won a game, what gives? Good observation, and yes the worst team always starts off the column. Unless, they are

THE GAME OF THE WEEK

#12 Where's My D-fense (0-5-1) proj.118.11 vs. #2 NomNomNom (5-1) proj. 116.79

After narrowly missing out on their first victory last week, Where's My D-fense? now believes they have a chance. Looking at the league stats only one team has had more points put up against them this season. So are they victims of bad luck? Are they better than their record suggests? This week they look to prove that they are, and shock the world with an upset of the #2 team. Raven's QB Joe Flacco is facing a not so good Buffalo Bills team and may be in store for either a career day or a short one, if the Raven's over power the Bills quickly and sit on the run game to keep the game short and relatively painless. Last week WR Greg Jennings finally had more than 2 catches, as well as over 100 yards receiving and a TD. If he can duplicate his performance this week, he and Randy Moss may begin to develop into the feared tandem they were predicted to be at the start of the season. And while Dwayne Bowe has moved on to Green(Zone)er pastures, Danny Amendola is a PPR threat as the surprising Rams take on Tampa Bay. The running game remains in shambles with Matt Forte only effective if Jay Cutler isn't on his ass all game. Justin Forsett is a change of pace back to starter Marshawn Lynch, but was able to put up impressive numbers in limited carries last week. Jonathan Stewart has been relegated to the flex and is in jeopardy of losing his job if he doesn't perform against the 49ers this week. TE Aaron Hernandez continues to impress as a rookie but it's time he gets into the endzone if Where's My D-fense? hopes to make this the week to put 1 in the win column.
NomNomNom is fighting to remain near the top of the standings and to avoid the embarrassment of losing to the worst team in the league. They are lead by the often critiqued Carson Palmer at quarterback. Despite as much crap as I and other analysts have given him, he's helped NomNomNom to a 4-2 record. Carolina WR Steve Smith makes his return this week and while Matt Moore is under center, he should help Smith's value more than rookie Jimmy Clausen did. Mike Williams and Mike Thomas are the other passing game options with the former having an impressive season and the later trying to break out with a bad offense around him. On the ground Ahmad Bradshaw and Peyton Hillis continue to get the bulk of their team's carries. However, with Hillis' injuries and the Giants beginning to regain faith in Jacobs will these two guys be the ones to get the ball on the goal-line this week? It's a concern for NomNomNom as yards may be hard to come by. Flex player Davonne Bess is also PPR gold, and with the Steelers trying to stop Brandon Marshall, he may be able to add a TD to his 5+ catches on the day. Saints kicker Garret Hartley has regained his job and while facing Cleveland this weekend could be in line for a busy afternoon that makes or breaks his season. He may wind up with more scoring opportunities this week than anyone else on either team. Look for Chiefs' tight end Tony Moeaki to play a big role in the outcome of this matchup, as he will be Matt Cassell's security blanket if Kansas City is unable to get the running game going.